The Weekend Lens And The Photos I Didn't Take
Pretty quiet weekend with the kids here at home.
Actually very quiet when you consider that we had a no screen-time weekend. NONE. No movies. No TV. No computer time. No ipad. No iphone. It all started as a consequence for a behavior issue Simon had at school on Friday (and the established consequence in advance was the removal of screen-time).
If you are a kid and you wake up on Saturday morning and don't immediately turn on the TV what do you do?
They found things to do: legos, games, books, playing outside, helping with the dishes, weeding, chasing each other, making up stuff to play.
I liked the pace. But it was also admittedly a challenge. I had to be more engaged. I (selfishly) didn't get as much downtime and didn't feel like I was able to begin the week rested. I think honestly there was a bit of withdrawal in this scenario for each of us. And it's not even that we have a screen on all day during the week or on the weekends but we are definitely used to it as something to turn to - a distraction, a salve, a babysitter, an entertainer.
On Sunday afternoon I made the executive decision to unhook the cable box. I've been thinking about doing this for quite awhile and just hadn't made the move - the experience this weekend pushed me over the edge. We'll still have Netflix (via Apple TV and on computers) and other DVD's as options so in reality it's not that big of a move - but it is definitely "action" in terms of regaining control over screen-time.
And really, all this regaining control started with the chart a few months back. It's all a process.
Here's some of the other goings-on that I didn't capture on film:
- Napping on the couch on Saturday and on Sunday. On Saturday Simon broke the no-screentime rule while I was taking a nap (found him in Anna's room watching a movie on the ipad) with the consequence being the elimination of the planned movie we were going to watch on Sunday evening. My nap on Sunday included Anna and George (the cat).
- Attending mass for the first time in years. Both kids asked a million questions and fidgeted through the whole thing. The priest gave each of them as a fist-bump as he entered and exited.
- Yelling at Anna in the car about her not-listening-to-whatever-I-had-just-told-her-to-do and her complaining about listening to The Muppets. The next time we got into the car the only thing she wanted to listen to was The Muppets. It's a constant push and pull between Simon wanting to sing/Anna wanting to sing and/or Simon wanting it quiet/Anna wanting it quiet. It feels really rare (and like something to celebrate) when they want the same thing. I posted that last image of Anna and I napping on the couch (took it after I woke up) on Instagram with the following caption: "Finally got her to rest with me on the couch. She's busy and opinionated and independent and smart and sometimes I'm at a loss over how to guide her in the "right" direction and lovingly communicate with her best."
- Melting-down on Saturday night before bed (both kids). Possible withdrawal symptom from screen-time or side-effect of the cold/allergies that seem to be plaguing each one of us to different degrees. Possibly just done with each other. I was super done with the day by that time.
- Reading Zero Waste Home, Sunset and Country Living (which seemed especially awesome thing month).
- Thinking about what it meant to have no screen-time for them and for me. Considering doing it again, or at least nothing during the day with one movie in the evening. Thinking about the ways in which we connect with one another. Thinking about how much I liked having them help me in the yard and that I need to invite them more. Thinking a lot about my own growing up - our down times (forced "quiet" times) around the house, the sports, working/helping/watching my parents work in the yard, playing golf, hot dogs and cokes for weekend lunches.
My husband came up with a wonderful plan that has worked for our daughter. For every minute she reads she is able to watch TV or a movie. In the beginning she would have us time her and keep track down to the nano second. What we discovered was wonderful...she no longer asks for tv, movies, etc. She loves to read, paint, and play board games and listen to music. I love that you are encouraging them to work with you in the yard, I have fond memories of the country life on a farm working in a huge garden with my parents. Love your post and pictures!
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I love this idea...and I know it would be an easy thing for myself to do, but the hubs on the other hand...anyone got any advice on getting the man to come on board?
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Loved reading this. I know we are going to have some work to do along these lines when Matt is done with command at the end of June and we have some reconnecting/relearning how to function as a family properly again. Also: I bought the most recent Country Living (sucker for chalkboard design) and thought the same thing... and, have you seen this? http://vimeo.com/51028035
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As a parent of a now grown daughter, I reflected on what you said in your post. We, as mothers, often suffer along with our children when we are trying to do the right thing, as in no screen time. It is definitely hard! I am sometimes very thankful for a new day, a begin again day, a chance to wipe the slate clean....and just start loving those children all over again.
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I like the no-screen time. I wish I was not so {used} to just having it there. I do find it is more like what I do when I am just tired and don't want to pursue other things. My brother has no cable but has his large tv hooked up to a computer, so they watch Netflix and a lot of YouTube videos, but its cool to see my nephew more interested in videos about surfing, skiing and space. He also loves the occasional silly cat video. I think it def has sparked a curiosity in him, rather than just watching cartoons.
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Loved this post. I love it when others show us "real". Admitting you were done with the day, wanted to get more done, etc was inspiring to me. Too often I have these same thoughts and feel guilty when I do...we need to recognize we are human.
Loved the no screen time! Need implement one of those soon at our house.
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Have you read the book, Love & Logic by Jim Fay? It's a very helpful parenting book. It helps you to let go of your anxiety as you establish limits or guidelines. Both child and parent end up with the respect
they deserve. Check out their website. I've found their guidance very
valuable.
YES! I credit "love and logic" philosophy with getting my boys into young adulthood intact. They have both recently said "thank you" for raising them the way we did!
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Congrats on getting back to Mass! Keep going it gets easier with the kids and you all need the graces provided. I don't know how I would make it at all with 6 kids and OCD Hubby without those graces!
It is harder without TV but we need to make more social times and being without all the techy items! Great job and keep up the good work...;0)
My boys, now ages 20 and 22, are so grateful that we "taught the habit" of weekly worship. The first half of their lives, we taught commitment...attending a church that maybe wasn't the most trendy but had amazing "family-type" relationships. They still cherish those relationships with people of a vast variety of ages. The second half of their growing up was spent at a different church that appealed to them as teenagers..."teaching" them the excitement of worship and learning. Both worked well at different times in our family life. All that to say, I (and our kids) are glad we made the effort each week and sometimes it takes a bit of searching to find what works best at different times in our kids' lives. Saying prayers for you as you work to best figure this out for your family right now!
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This is such a great topic. Thanks for making me feel like I am not the only one in the war against screen time. My kids do not watch a ton of TV, but love the iPhone and Wii. Its such an internal battle for me. I like the downtime when they are busy with their electronics, but always feel guilty for not being engaged with them.
Side note..I too have so often been done at the end of a long day with children. As much as I love them with all my heart I also love bedtime!
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Ten years ago this year - we chose the internet over cable TV. While my two kids (age 12 and 9 now) still watch TV - we CHOOSE what we want and for how long - no channel flipping or couch surfing. Netflix and Hulu have expanded our choices the past few years - but it still is a choice rather than whatever is on TV at the time. I believe this has helped them become voracious readers; good brothers and independent when they want to play. And I've never had the whining for toys/games etc that come from the endless commercials. Imagination reigns free in our house - and I will never go back to the cable company again. Good for you Ali...
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We haven't had cable in probably 2 or 3 years....best move ever. Yes, we have streaming Netflix and WiFi so there are plenty of options but cable just has this 'suck you in' quality that I hated. I have to make a conscientious decision to watch something on Netflix. MUCH better.
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Ali, thanks so much for sharing the ups/downs of your weekend. Love when you share the REAL here with us, so nice to have others to help you thru this.
We struggle with the car music too, my one daughter loves to sing so loud and is the singer in the family but then it's hard for the other two to sing over her. Taking turns works most of the time or I just say the drive will be a non music one then.
LOVE LOVE the no tv/screen time, it's more fun to head outdoors and explore or play games. The older I get the less tv/movies I watch, love quietly sketching/reading at night and too busy during the day. Now if only the kids would feel the same way more often they do.
I am going to start a no screen on Sunday's to get us started and hoping to slowly add more days to it.
My heart breaks just hearing about you and Anna, it is a tough job being a mom and knowing the right way to raise them teach them. Just do the best you can and take time outs when you need them too. Anna has some spunk in her and will keep showing it as she gets older. I have one like that too and at 14 we still have our bad moments but our good moments are sooooo precious and good. Hang in there!
Was Anna mad about the no screen time due to Simon misbehavior? That is the hard one at our house. How to punish just one and not have all of us suffer too.
I have wonderful memories growing up and playing outside all the time, hardly any tv time. When it was cold, books were my favorite and still is.
Thanks again Ali, love the pictures too!!
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oh, life with kids!! Sounds like you need a weekend after your weekend. Don't we all sometimes?!
My boys think the only reason we got along fine without computers when we were kids was because we didn't know any different. As if because now that they have computers, they couldn't get along without them. LOL! (computer games are the biggest screen issue in our house)
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Ali, love all the sharing. So glad your family made it to Mass. My daughter would ride the church bus by herself for a few years because of my work schedule I didn't go. I have tried now to go with her now even though I may not have gotten much sleep. It is one of the things where it is just the two of us. We cut out the TV satellite several years ago due to financial reasons. Even though we soon maybe able to afford it agian hubby has said no. It's just not worth what the companies are charging. We do have digital antennea and get quite a few channels. I have a cooking show I like in the daytime when I work late or it's my day off. So the TV is on for an hour for that. The rule for my daughter(10) is to get her homework done first. However I have a hard time with hubby wanting to turn the TV on while she is trying to finish. On the weekend if I work late and there are no sports and hubby is outside I try to keep it off as long as possible. I think it does suck you in. And there are so many other things that can be entertaining. Sorry if this is too long.
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That's something that I've been wanting to try for some time but I can't get the other adult in the house on board. I think it would be a huge benefit for my family...
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Having read your post I feel that you are punishing yourself and not so much the children. Children bounce back due to there age but as you get older not so much. Let them have there screen time and you your time also to do what you need to do. I have 3 wonderful boys all grown up and we never had time out or less screen time. They never watched tv all day but when weather permitted played many hours in the garden. We solved our differences by making a cup of tea and talking about things.
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A great post!"screen time" is a huge issue in today's culture. We have never had a TV in our home. Our kids are grown and gone. Two have continued this. One loves hers. The computer though is JUST as tough. It is so good to see your children with their inborn creativity blossom :). Loved seeing Anna assisting with the dishes, both working in the garden, resting with momma. It's so neat to see you stick to your commitment with consequences. That is a HUGE help in raising them in love. Much blessing to you as you continue on in your parenting journey.
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Thanks for sharing this post. I tuned in more to the flow of your days, thinking about how we can work on changing some stuff about how our family's days flow more so than the screen time. Reason - my daughter is 15 with ASD and social anxiety, so the screen time is actually part of her social time with Tumblr, you tube etc -- she doesn't care about clothes, makeup, after school clubs etc, matter of fact she is usually stressed out after making it through the school day - so I don't want to remove the social media, but at the same time I want to incorporate more responsibilities and face time with family. Starting a garden and planting some flowers is something I really want to try next and you have pushed me "over the edge" to make it happen this weekend. Seems like no sooner than we moms figure out one age/stage with our kids and their challenges than (boom) the next age/stage is here ... lol
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I also love the realness of your post. My 15y old son is currently being referred to a specialist to see if he has Aspergers. We have way too much screen time here and it is so hard to set consequence rules for behaviour (because, yes, it affects everyone in the house). Hoping we get some help to sort out our situation but feel inspired by you that this can be done. Thanks for sharing.
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My kids are 13 and 15 and they still constantly argue in the car. Over who sits on what side,over silence versus singing. I doubt they'll ever get past it.
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One of the things children have to learn in order to be fully functional adults is that your behavior has consequences for other people, not just for yourself. I think a few adults I know of missed out on this important lesson!
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We went not screens for Lent this year. A very long 40 days for us all with cheating here and there for sleepovers and such. My middle son who is admittedly addicted to Stars Wars lego on the wii, went through major withdraws. It was a serious challenge for him and me.
Although we are back in full swing of screen time, we don't have it on much and the boys are ok with that. Me, too! I totally relate to everything you said.
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Two quick things I wanted to mention -
First, a pair of noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs if the kids will wear them, can go a long way in keeping the peace in the car. We have a system that works well and encourages respect for another's choices. I can write more if needed, but you are so creative and in-tune with your kids, you will find what works best for them. I like the headphones, because it gives some control to the person who really needs the peace and quiet, when the person whose choice it is chooses music or singing.
Second, If you haven't read the book 'Don't Shoot the Dog' by Karen Pryor, you might look in to it. It is a book about behavioral training that is very applicable for parents as well as pet owners. The science behind the training is well documented, and the positive reinforcement allows for the building of relationships and maturing of choices. Be careful - It works so well it might be manipulative. :) One thing I think might be helpful for you is to give some instant reward for good behavior instead of waiting until the end of the day for a reward.
I love to read about your genuine love for your children, and you write about it so well. Thank you for sharing the easy and difficult parts of your life with us. I know parenting is exhausting most days, but your efforts will be returned to you a thousand fold as your children mature, and they begin to make more and more choices on their own. Having difficulties with teens and beyond can be a nightmare, as your chances for influencing their decisions begins to drop. Your foundation of teaching them to make good choices now will pay off for you!! :)
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Wow People look at the passion in both this post and the comments. So many can relate to these individual choices we all make and remake everyday about parenting, TV, modelling good behaviours and more.
Ali's thoughts reminded me of a decision around desert that we made this year. I felt the kids were (are) getting too much sugar so I 'gained agreement' from my husband to cut out the week day deserts during lent. He could have whatever he wanted, he's an adult and can make up his own mind, but from the kids perspective and as far as the kids could see, we all gave up weekday deserts. I was hoping that by the end of lent they would have got so used to the new routine that there would be no more requests for weekday deserts. And it worked - was tough going for the first two weeks but then they got into the swing of it and it was fine.
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Always appreciate you sharing your real life parenting woes......My daughter is turning 5 in a couple of weeks, and i'm always amused by the similarities between her and Anna.
From what l've read Anna appears to be a very normal 4-5 year old girl ! My daughter tends to have her father's personality, which is very laid back and passive, but she still has her moments. Within her circle of friends there are some VERY independent and confident girls. Truth be told, l think l was one of them too .....
Really, we want the woman of tomorrow to be all of those things, but what we need to teach them is how to channel that energy :-)
Hugs.
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