I was struck by something last week as I was standing near my sewing machine, smiling to myself as I “cooked” some embossing ink with my heat gun.
Actually it’s been a theme for me since getting divorced last year: reclaiming/reconnecting with the “fun” me.
In conversations with friends recently I say things like, “I used to be fun.”
To some of them I say, “Do you remember when I was fun?” and to others I say, “You haven’t even known me when I was fun.”
To some I’ve said, “I feel like I’m coming home to myself. To that place where the old me and the me of today are meeting up and finally getting on the same page.”
I laugh more. I feel lighter (physically and emotionally). I’m working on not taking things so darn seriously all the time (this is an ongoing battle). I smile easier. I’m much quicker to say yes to impromptu adventures.
I want to be living the length and the width.
This also translates to my creative life. I feel like it’s been a long time since I’ve felt the actual heart-pounding delight – almost like a high – that comes from creative play. From making messes and experimenting and what if this goes with this instead of this. I felt that way today while I was working on Project Life. It was a letting go of perfection, of holding on too tight. I was also simply taking the time to allow for fun within the realm of the creative things I do already.
I think it’s also a reason I haven’t scrapbooked as much or shared as much of my story in this space. I’m finding my voice again bit by bit (Who was I before? Who am I now?). And I think reclaiming the “fun” me is definitely a part of it.
I still feel lost at times. Scared. Unsure. Sad. Just this past week I had “one of those days” that essentially boiled down to me needing to be reminded that I need to find happiness within myself first and foremost. That I have to own, all the way through my bones, that I really am enough.
Music has been a great catalyst of fun for me. I have a physical reaction to music. We play it loud in the office. I play it loud in the car. I’ve been attending and making plans to see live music. I’ve been making time for old and new friends and we laugh and drink and eat and make merry and listen to music and I remember the lighter parts of myself that existed before the layers of years and responsibility and stress and loss and experience - that whole crazy combination life that includes all the awesome stuff as well as the things that are really hard.
I’ve learned that I have to allow and create opportunities for myself to have fun, personally as well as on my scrapbook pages.
And I have to let go.
And I have to be open.
So here I go, trying to fearlessly live the length and the width, inviting in the fun.