The Path Towards Thriving | Living Hands Free
Throughout 2014 I'm planning to blog about my One Little Word journey as I investigate what it means for me to thrive. I don't have a set schedule in place but will share as I identify areas, recognize strengths or weaknesses, ask questions, learn lessons, and hopefully make life-affirming choices along the way.
No. 1 | I believe that for me to thrive I need to live a less distracted life.
"You know we're going to have an intervention about that soon right?"
We were sitting on the couch after dinner, chatting and getting ready to play a couple rounds of Mario Bros on the Wii.
Darn it (that's not really the word that came to mind but you get the point). "Yes," I replied and felt a wave of shame wash over myself.
My connection to the phone and the online world is powerful. It's where most of my work-life exists (I'm on the type-A, take-care-of-this-right-this-very-minute, obsessive end of the personality spectrum), where many of my friends exist, and to be honest, sometimes some of my self-worth is mixed in here too.
I put my phone face-down on the couch next to me and turned to face him, "I know."
In my head I could rationalize it. I was waiting for him to get things set up. I was probably checking my email one more time because I'm responsible and I pride myself on being accessible and taking care of stuff immediately or I was peeking at Facebook seeing if any responses were needed or if there was a comment on a photo I'd recently posted on Instagram.
But I knew he was right.
I need a major iphone boundary check.
Another evening we had a discussion about parenting after Anna refused to put her coat away. She was exhausted and defiant. I was exhausted and not ready for battle because it seems like battling is all we do lately. During the discussion he said he thought she was mean to me. He had watched, unsure where to step in and when to step away.
It was a good talk about who we are and who we want to be as parents. I listened carefully, trying hard not to take anything too personally, listening instead for suggestions I could implement the next time an opportunity arose. It was hard and easy at the same time because I know what he was saying was coming from a loving place and that he was right.
As I reflect on how Anna and I have been interacting lately I think so much of it comes down to me being a distracted parent. Distracted by my work, distracted by the dishes in the sink, distracted by the running list in my head, distracted by pressures both real and imagined, distracted by a million other things.
Damn.
I don't want to be this person. I know there are times when I've been less distracted but over the last couple of years I've become that person again and it's definitely time for a re-alignment.
I have lots of excuses for my distractions but really none of them matter more than my relationship with my kids and those closest to me.
It's time to start living that way.
I wrote out the above stories a few days ago as I started working on this post.
Since then I've taken a few steps forward and a few steps back. The simple act of acknowledgement - and for me this has been a growing acknowledgment over the past few months - is starting to result in me actually taking action.
One of the first things I'm doing is reading Rachel Macy Stafford's new book Hands Free Mama. Rachel runs a blog of the same name that you might have seen me mention or link to in the past. She's a wonderful story teller and truth teller and is really inspiring life-changes by encouraging people to get connected to what really matters. I reviewed an advance copy of the book last year but feel like I'm really reading it for the first time now. And PS - this book isn't just about creating meaningful connections with your kids - it's about removing the distractions that keep us from deeply connecting with the people we claim to care about most.
One of the suggestions from Rachel is to go public about your intention to live Hands Free so here I am.
Hi, I'm Ali and I've been living distracted for far too long and I'm ready to let go and make a very meaningful change in my life.
Tonight I started reading a chapter book out loud to both kids in the evening. It's an opportunity for the three of us to do something together that doesn't involve a screen.
We're starting with Charlotte's Web.
Beautiful post Ali. I love Hands Free Mama. So much of what you said has been my life and over the last year I made a conscious effort to be more connected. I know my children loved it. I did too. Sometimes though I couldn't slow down because of returning to work full time but they had a new understanding that somethings have to get done. It worked and I see the positive outcomes from it. BUT it exhausted me. By the end of last year I was spent. I was happy but I was spent. I had given so much to everything else trying to connect I felt silently exhausted mentally and physically. I know a balance needs to happen now to still connect but to give my self something back. I also need to learn not to feel guilty about giving back to me either. I know you'll THRIVE Ali because what matters most always presents itself and you'll be there Thank you for your raw honesty. I loved reading it cause it still resonated so much in me.
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Thank you for your honesty Ali, I believe this is why you resinate with me and so many other woman of all ages. I too am a Type A personality, trying to juggle my family of two daughters and a spouse and work for a Fortune 5 company. I am always seeking a balance that just never seems to be exist. I am participating in One Little Word and have chosen the word Commit. I want to commit to the activity or person that is in front of me at the moment. I too am distracted by technology and have to remember that that iPhone will not give me value as a person. Those on the other end understand if an email is not resounded too within 8.5 seconds of receiving, their expectation of me is far more reasonable than mine is of myself. Thanks for sharing. Keep being the awesome Mom, friend, partner, sister, daughter that you are. Have a great week. Believe in yourself.
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Thank you for being so real. I have been reflecting on this as well over the last while... again I have been finding excuses / reasons why this is happening. I need to find the strength and make many decisions to start, just start.
I need to snap out of this way and intentionally live, but it is hard.
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Oh, wow! You could be talking about me and that makes me feel so sad. I need to stop being so distracted and start being present before it is too late! Thanks for sharing
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Thank you so much for sharing this Ali. I too am guilty of this and it is s constant battle. One of the strategies I want to put into place is to switch the phone off from when I get home from work till the kids go to bed. I'm ashamed to admit that even this is a battle. Reading your article reminded me that I must do it. So, tonight it begins. Thank you Ali. Always an inspiration. x
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Thank you for your honest words. I cannot wait to download this book as soon as it is released!!! I struggle with this very issue and it is at the top of my list of things to work on this year as I say "Yes" to the things I want more of in my life. Connected time with my girls and my man sits right up there at the top. Here's to diving in and offering ourselves grace when we slip up.
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Your open and loving spirit shines through this post. You
picked
a great story to share with your kids:)
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Great post Ali! My favorite part: You chose Charlotte's web to read first :) Such a cozy picture in my head of your kids enjoying time with you and one of the best books ever :) you're a good mama...
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I have always loved to read your post but this one especially. I love how honest you are about your life and include the positive and the negative.
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Ali, can I just say, FINALLY!! Seeing parents on their phones while walking with their kids makes me SO SAD! Sometimes walking down the streets in DC I see parents walking so far ahead of their kids I seriously consider stopping the kids and talking to them and waiting to see how long it takes the parents to notice. YOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS! Nobody puts on their tombstone, "I wish I spent more time on the phone/computer/ipad."
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Oh, Ali...just when I thought I couldn't love you more?! What a great post.
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Thank you for your honesty. You have a LOT of company, myself included. I really know I need to be present, and I could cry every time I think about how fast my kids are growing up. I started reading "The Hobbit" with my kids last week. It helps to have something planned so we don't default to screens. Thanks again.
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You know Ali you are not alone in your habits or your quest. I am guilty of this as well and I know what I should be doing but sometimes I just don't want to change. This has been on my mind a lot over the past couple of weeks and I know that when I devote time and energy into my kids (rather than just being in the same house as the kids) they respond better, they behave better, they are happy, I'm happier and life is better. It's just a matter of having to "snap out of the bad habits" that we have let slip. Being a full time single parent for the past 6+ years I get tired and there is never any down time for me like when there are two parents in the house so sometimes it's hard to be all things to everyone every minute of the day. At the moment we are 5 weeks into 8 weeks of school holidays and with finishing school and the 3 weeks leading up to Christmas things are hectic and busy so I never catch my breath so I find in the beginning of January I'm exhausted, snappy and tired of the house being a mess when I really want to feel refreshed and happier at the start of the new year. I do know with particularly with my eldest son (10) that when I spend more time one on one things immediately improve so it's a must for this family. Thankfully I do not have facebook and have no desire for facebook but I do read my blogs and Instagram but outside of that the computer should be turned off. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia
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Great post Ali. I had to laugh at the irony of reading it in bed this morning, my twins lying next to me playing their DS's. I think as parents we are all distracted; distracted with life. I try to be present with my boys when they are in my presence, sometimes I'm more successful with this than others. My word for the year is Perspective, and the reality is that we are all doing the best we can at that given moment. Yes we can try and improve each moment, but beating ourselves up about it doesn't help us become less distracted and more present, it merely makes us resentful.
I resonate with you on the iPhone, it's become an appendage that I need to let go of. I read somewhere that the online world is making us all a bit attention deficient, because we get so much information that our brains simply cannot process it. Add to this the FOMO (Fear of missing out) component and it can be hard to be offline for any length of time.
We are having a lazy summer school holiday day today, one son is alternating between playing with his lego, riding his bike and playing his DS, the other comes in and out of the house after riding his bike, playing cricket, basketball or football, role-playing with his bat cave and action figures and watching a dvd. I worry that we are not 'doing' something everyday of our school holidays, that they are not being entertained, but my husband reminded me today that they are creating their own play and thankfully not all of that play involves a screen.
Thanks for making me think and for sharing yourself with us.
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Good on you, Ali. I think that unplugging is such a conscious action and it's so hard to do. It's awesome that you are aware of it now and make the changes that you need. Good luck!
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Well said.......you are so spot on! One day, Ali, you will look back and realize what an awesome Person you are. You so inspire all of us!
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Love this. And, I love the idea of nourishing relationships with kids - I need more of that.
We've been focusing on non-electronic family time. So far, we are really liking http://www.amazon.com/Spin-Master-Games-20042857-Quelf/dp/B00421AGOS/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389055377&sr=8-1&keywords=quelf+jr for silly family time (my kids are 11 & 7) and http://www.tabletopics.com/Family-Edition-Cube for fun dinner time conversations.
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Distraction, my friend :( When our kids were small I was (foolishly) proud they didn't get parked in front of the TV (they were born 1983 and 86). No, they were parked in front of Disney movie DVDs and Sesame Street. No ads for my girls - but let's be honest that just made my life easier! I feel so sad when I hear/read of mothers stressing because they work long hours, their huge house takes so much caring for and they need their expensive cars and holidays to recharge and get so quickly from one place to another. Been there, done that. Did nothing for me or the children. I so wish we had done then what we have for our retirement - sat down and talked about what REALLY matters TO US, no one else. A massive house, nope. A garden to potter about it, absolutely. Fancy cars, nope. Time to sit and read, you better believe it. Consequently we are purposely designing a home and life that supports our true desires, not a lifestyle devoted to maintaining material things that may impress others or fit their idea of acceptable but do not fulfill us. Please do not think I am criticising those who must work for their families basic needs. I did that too and know the difficulty in balancing all those demands and needs. Bless you all. But then, for me, the needs grew larger and were influenced by other people and ideals and "keeping up". Constant reflection on wants vs needs and genuine desire is essential for me to ensure my life is serving me and I am not a servant to endless consumption. Some may have heard of the slow food movement - I advocate the slow life movement!
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Just wanted to say that in my 23 years of parenting, reading chapter books aloud has been one of the very best investments of time I have ever made with my kids. You will be surprised how those characters become part of your personal family narrative. Enjoy the books Ali, that was an excellent move!
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Ali, I can't believe I read what I just did...it was as though you took the words right out of my mouth. right before I read this post I had gotten distracted by my daughter while I was trying to read my emails..and I thought to myself, "what are you doing? She needs you. put your phone down and read that later.". I too am a "don't procrastinate, do it NOW..."! but sometimes our kids need us now and everything else must wait. Reading at night to my kids has changed since they both are proficient readers...but I missed OUR time reading. we brought it back in December, and it has brought us much closer together. And Dance wii!! I love it when my 9 yo son says, "mom, verse me in wii, I bet I dance better than you!". I love it. I am committing to leaving my phone on the charger from after school till they are in bed so my kids have all of me. Ali, a perfectly timed post for me, my tears have dried and I have clarity now. Thanks. I think it will help me with my OLW, SOAR!
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When we started chapter books last year, Charlotte's Web was our first book and probably still my favorite. We just started James and The Giant Peach last night.
And I'm thinking I could've written this post verbatim...
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i SO appreciate your incredibly honest and raw feelings you shared here. so much of it i can relate to!!! We are in the middle of a snow storm and lost power and i can't tell you how detached i felt feeling like my phone was going to loose power--- seriously! aren't there more important things to take care of?
i think you are awesome and look up to you in so many ways! thanks for always sharing your heart!
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Wow, Ali, you are just as much an inspiration to me in real life as you are in the scrap booking world. I think we can all relate to your "true confessions" in one way or another. I blame some of my issues on procrastination, but you are right about getting distracted. I wish you success in your venture...being type A will actually help you!!!
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thank you for your honesty ali! a lot of what you wrote here rings true with me. i know i need to do something about it! thank you for mentioning the book, it sounds like something i could really use right now!!
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Hi Ali ... i tried to skim through all the comments in case someone else mentioned this. Sorry if i'm repeating but a few weeks ago i went to a talk by the author of a new book called 'The Big Disconnect' (link included here). She was an amazing speaker - and it was all about how we parent our children and live our lives as family in the digital age. I know this isn't the only thing you're referring to in this lovely post of yours today but i wanted to pass the title on. I can relate to this as well, also follow Hands Free Mama's blog and started reading Harry Potter to my 9 yr old a few months ago for the same reasons.
http://www.amazon.com/The-Big-Disconnect-Protecting-Relationships/dp/0062082426/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1389064165&sr=8-1&keywords=the+big+disconnect
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