Seeing.

I don't know if this helps. But my twin boys are four and going out to eat was never fun. My mother in law always has great ideas. Like buying little inexpensive things that they don't know that she has bought until the moment arrives. Such as, when Simon is finished eating. My boys love puzzles and there like a dollar. Or maybe something that he usually doesn't get to play with like play-dough or stickers. Just something different. I don't know if this helps but I wish you the best of luck.

My son is not autistic but an active 4 year old never the less. Everything you described is exactly how he is after about 20 minutes at a restaurant. Even at night when we sit down to dinner at home, it is usually a quick meal. I think he just has too much to do...explore, sitting and talking loses appeal quickly. Maybe we are to easy going because we don’t fight it. If it is an important dinner out I try to prepare him way in advance setting expectations, what to expect, who will be there, etc and that does help. Simon sounds like a normal boy with who is way too busy exploring then to stop and eat which to them is boring!

Bless your heart for all you DID DO for Simon to keep him occupied. I know my 3 (4, 2, & 3 mos) never let us enjoy a meal out so we have decided to do carryout from now on and not put the kids in those situations that they are just not capable of handling yet. I really don't have any advice for a little boy with autism but just wanted to say I think you are doing a great job, all things considered, and I could take some advice from you instead. Keep up the good work.

Ah restauraunts-- fun places. LOL We took Kenzie to one over the holidays- she lasts about 10-15 minutes and then needs to explore. She is a very busy girl. DH and I usually take turns walking around the place with her- not around the restauruant per se- but to the front waiting area, sometimes just outside, often we explore the bathroom. This one in particular had a jukebox- that was good- kept her busy. She finished her food in like 5 minutes and was trying to escape under the table. Three year olds are a handful I tell ya. I think you did a great job. I know that with a non-autistic child I get stressed out. There is always soooooooooo much to look at at reastauraunts- total eye and ear candy I think.

Ali - I completely know they feeling of not knowing what to do. My daughter is not autistic, but with her cerebral palsy and other delays we have to deal with some of the same kind of sensory and otherwise behaviors.. We made the choice to adjust our eating out places a lot. It is rare we eat out anyplace that you have to wait or we want to make sure it has the foods that my Tacy will eat. There have been instances as well where I have picked up and left a place because I wasn't comfortable being there anymore. We have discussed being more firm too... do we be more firm or do we change our ways? I think in the long run it was better for us to change - it has made everyone happier - us and Tacy. It also has made it special for my husband and I to eat at some of our favorite places that we don't go to anymore when we have evenings just for us. Family and friends that we go out to meals with have understood that it isn't easy for us to go to the not kid-friendly places. We do have routines at home that we follow at our mealtimes and we try to be more structured with her then (sitting through the meals and staying at the table with out pushing your chair back and getting down before everyone is done eating) I think working on it here at home will eventually help when we are out and about. It has gotten better going out to new places with time. And we still have our difficult moments, but honestly I think every parent does ;)
I think for every special needs child there has to be adjusted expectations - there are just somethings that have to be different - in every area.

Hi Ali! Looking forward to seeing you in a few weeks in Irvine for classes...
I think this situation would have been tough for most kids, issues or no issues. My 3 1/2 year old can handle twenty minutes MAX at a restaurant from the second we walk in. And that's with packing the special toys and books and crayons, etc... Children can only handle their own versions of settings like this, they can't handle adult versions. I think that makes sense...I truly think its our job as parents to set up our children for success with various life situations, especially when they're younger like this. Expectations for Simon will not be the same expectations that other children will have. Expectations I have for my daughter cannot be the same expectations that are had for her little best friend who is the same age- kids are just all over the page with what they can handle and what they can't. Some of the worst behavior scenarios and some of the most distressing "what are we doing wrong as parents?!?" talks have resulted from eating out GONE BAD. So to answer your question- it's my opinion that we SHOULD adjust our expectations for our children. It's hard, isn't it, this delicate balancing act we do as parents between trying to honor who they are and what they can do while also trying to teach them and stretch their boundaries?... Sometimes during challenging moments as a parent (and there are many of those) I reach for this wonderful book called "Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting" by Jon & Myla Kabat-Zinn. HTH!

Hey Ali....just wanted to pop in and tell you that my students with autism do soooo well when they are promised a prize at the end. I don't know if this would work for Simon but it might be worth a try. Maybe a little chart that you could put stickers on .... if he gets all 4 stickers while at the restaurant...he gets _____________. I know this is a bribe...but it does work well in our classroom. Another more expensive option...maybe one of those little portable DVD players (like a very mini laptop) and a Dora movie. Would that help him to stay at the table? It is tough to know how hard to push, when to give in, etc. Like many others that have already commented~~ I respect your parenting immensly and I've neer even met you. Simon is lucky to have you. Hang in!

Ali -- my best friend has a son that is the "Not Otherwise Specified" category uf ASD. He is very low functioning, and for a long time, she was at war with herself over just these issues. She has had to figure out when he should be there, versus when he shouldn't. Big family dinner after sister's baptism....needs to be there. Absolutely. Last minute pizza dinner, not so important, if he can stay home with therapists. Again, however, he is very low functioning. No dietary restraints, just completely non verbal, with alot of behaviors.
Do what feels right for you, Chris and Simon.

My boy do not eat any food eather, so we do take food with us , more than he can eat and drink, then get some desert, like ice cream or pudding, and have FULL back pack with small toys, like cars, small train, alarm clock, somethings new with buttons, and everytime he try to get up, get one of them out of back pack, just one at a time. all that usually give us enough time to order and eat our food.
Good luck!

I don't have children of my own, but I take care of other people's children for a living so I feel like I am experienced enough even though I am not a mother to give my two bits.
First off, be proud of yourself for every thing you did to keep Simon busy and quiet. Even if it didnt work, hey...you tried.
I have a few suggestions that work for me when I take children out in public-although I totally admit I have no experience with autism so you may just laugh at this stuff. :)
-always give them tons of warning and lots of explaining about what will happen. Like, "Simon in 5 minutes we are going to get in the car and go out for dinner." "Simon, in 1 minute we are going to go in the car to have dinner with Grandma." "Simon its time to go." "Simon, we are going to a restaurant to eat dinner. At restaurants we sit quietly and stay at the table." "We are going to sit at the table and talk with Grandma, and you can play with your book." etc, etc, etc...
-bring along a bag or a little kit of some sort filled with quiet toys. I sometimes pack one and just keep it by the door to grab on the way out. Crayons, books, little cars, candy, etc. New things that they only get to use when they are "Out" somewhere.
-praise him over and over when he does sit or when he does play quietly at the table with a toy. Over and over and over.
But really, as long as he's not shouting and screaming and tearing around the restaurant sticking his fingers in other people's food...don't feel guilty. Anyone who gives you a rude looks obviously has NEVER taken a preschooler out for dinner.

Hey Ali! As you know, Ethan is almost 11 now so he's an old hand at restaurants :) but when he was Simon's age eating out was an adventure. We would have favored toys that were just restaurant toys. Also we would collect Happy Meal toys from friends (new stuff was often good for 10-15 minutes of quiet) Oh - and a small tub of theraputty with safety scissors (he would hide coins in it and cut them out)
We would also choose restaurants where there was at least something he could/would eat, noisy enough so if he was humming or singing to himself that he wouldn't disrupt others but not so loud that it would cause him sensory overload. Oh yeah - and we would just go for dinner - no apps or dessert :( We usually made him sit at the table for safety reasons (he was great at getting under the servers feet) though there are a couple of restaurants around Boston that are super kid-friendly (with play kitchens and chalkboards in the dining room for all the kids to play at) but have really excellent food.
As to expectations, you and Chris are doing a great job! Simon's an active boy and all active boys hate to be cooped up. That's a kid thing - not an autistic thing and I would always bring him to dinner(if he's invited) unless you know it will be intolerable for him (like a fancy 4 course - 2 hour long meal.) Peace.

the two photos are neat to see. I see you've gotten some bits of hints already & my thoughts aren't based on anything but parenting my five year old son. it is so clear that you & chris have the best intentions with simon & as long as that is the case I can't imagine how you will ever do anything but what is right for him. kwim? you just have to go with your gut...read lots, ask questions...all that. but mostly...go with what feels best for each situation that is unique to simon. also...I remember he likes thomas & videos work well for him...sounds like you could so justify a portable dvd player. I have to say...I do admire as a mother & a creative being :o)

Hi Ali,
I have 3 young boys. It sounds like you did all the right things for Simon. I know with my boys some days it works and some days it doesn't. I always try to sit in a booth, if possible, so it's harder to get out. Never underestimate the power of tape. I brought a roll on a plane for my 4 year old and it kept him busy for 25 minutes. He taped things on paper, made balls... If you could find a dessert that meets his dietary needs you could also order him that while you're eating dinner. My kids don't usually get dessert that often so if we're at a non-kid-friendly place I let them have a sunday or a bowl of strawberries with cream. Good luck!

Parenting can be such a struggle to balance when we or the world need to adapt to our child's needs, and when our child needs to adapt to us or the world.
Personally, I'd err on the side of adapting to the child, especially when he's young, and even more so with special needs.
Now 3 tangible suggestions...
-I buy those little pills you put in warm water and they become little foam figures (anyone know what I'm talking about? what are they called?) You can find them at dollar stores, etc. They take a bit to dissolve and keep my son distracted while waiting for service. Helped us at WDW.
-I try to make sure he's been outside and active before we go out, so that he's more likely to want to sit.
-I try to pick foods that take him a while to finish (green apples are our favorite!)
None of these are fool proof, but ya gotta keep adding to your bag of tricks. Looking forward to reading more ideas here.

Hi Ali,
I really want to encourage you by saying it's not your parenting! I have twins - Jaron (4yrs)is DD - he has huge meltdowns which happen randomly. Overstimulation is a huge problem for us. Before we go out to a stimulating place, I usually give him some type of deep pressure (hugs or little massage). Sometimes I draw a little picture schedule of exactly what we're going to do. Then if he is really struggling, one of us will take a little walk outside the restaurant to try and recompose. This has worked most of the time (emphasis most). My heart is right there with you. It's so hard. You have such a great attitude and I love that you have not let Simon's disability keep you from trying new experiences with him. Your whole family will benefit in the long run.
P.S. I loved your Christmas Art Journal. I don't usually comment because I figure you're so busy.

Hi Ali,
I second the advice about stickers and a reward at the end.
We have eaten out with our kids since they were babies and they really are "trained" now. However, When they have gotten antsy we have asked for the help of the restaurant staff (we go to the same restaurants so they know us by now!) Some of the hosts/hostesses have been great about giving us a "tour" of the kitchen, where the desserts are & how they're made, the computer where the orders go, the big dishwasher etc... while we're waiting for our food. The kids love it and it gives us stuff to talk about while we are eating. I don't think that would overstimulate Simon...but it would keep him busy.
I say take Simon anywhere you darn well please :) He is a customer, just like me and there is no better way for him to learn about places and experiences than to have him be an active participant.
Can't wait to see you in 2.5 weeks!

I don't have any experience with autism, but the situation you are describing sounds pretty normal in my family. My children are nearly 3 and nearly 2 and in this family, a quick meal is a good meal! We ate out a lot as a couple and like to still try to go out to restaurants now with the kids, but sometimes I feel like I'm not sure why we bothered. We basically know we have a short timespan in a restaurant where the kids will sit still, so we get in and order straightaway and usually we can keep the kids occupied until our meals arrive (books, colouring in or travel size magna doodles are good too) but pretty much as soon as we are all finished, we have to leave. In fact sometimes my husband is paying the bill with one child in hand while I am trying to finish my meal, skull my wine and pack up the other child! Probably pretty comical to watch! For us, sometimes going out to eat works and sometimes it doesn't. But we feel like we want to keep trying. So please don't feel like you are the only one - autism or not, children just don't want to sit still too long! Sounds to me like you are doing a brilliant job!

it's a tough one. I don't know first hand from an autistic perspective how things are. I know that we eat out regulary (too much) and when E was a bit younger, it was brutal...we did have times where we ended up having to leave b/c he just couldn't handle it. I find restaurants can often have a lot of stimulation...bright colors, lots of noise, tons of things going on..etc. I can see that could be extra hard for Simon. Ethan would last a maximum of 45 minutes by being entertained constantly when he was younger. Over time we've worked our way up and we can now go out for dinner and 1 hour is average, maybe 1 1/2 if we're lucky. We do bring toys along, try order something fun (even if it's just a drink with a special straw), but if often depends on his mood and the time of day that we go too.
I love someone's idea above of a portable DVD player! that would totally rock. I bet Simon would love that. And give you some time to enjoy the meal too :)

ohhh, I could write a book on this subject. We found that it definately was better to eat at very loud resturants. When occasions come up where you have no other choice, what we used to do is make sure we had a ton of toys and distractions. The only time I allowed Abbey to get up and walk around the table area was when it was my last resort to make her quiet, other wise she had to stay in the booth. It was a very tough time up until she was about 2 1/2 or so, then she started to understand more and settle down easier. I would be very consistant in explaining things to her, even though it looked like she wouldn't understand me. They really understand and comprehend more then we think. Getting down on her level always to make sure I had good, or at least some, eye contact helped her a lot Her speech improved and over time so did her behavior. I don't necessarily think it's a special needs issue as much as it is an age issue. It was very tough but we made it a point that no matter what, we were not going to be confined or change our life style because of it. She is now 4 and doing great, in regular pre-K, I haven't had her re-evaluated since her last evaluation concluded she only had a speech delay.

Hi Ali,
You know Anthony has PDD-NOS and he is the most amaizng kid when it comes to restaurants.............when we take his gameboy with us! He can sit still for hours. I know it isn;t what you want or first think of, but for our kids it is so difficult to sit still for such a long time, even harder than for other kids. Sorry this is it, tv videao or gameboy is the only thing I can come up with but I don;t think simon has one on his age. MAybe you can buy him a cheap version with just one game on it, just to find out if he likes it as much as anthony does.
love the pictures by the way!
oh just saw someones telling you about a portable dvd player, that will do the trich, I know for sure!!
good luck sweetie and have fun!
corinnexxx

I see we are all in good company! My 3rd dd is just 4 and still cannot sit still anywhere. My other 2 (ds, 9 and dd 7) were pretty good at restaurants from even age 2 but this one, she's a different breed - lol. We have done much more take out and go to kid friendly places like Chili's or local places that like families and serve up meals FAST! You did all that I would have done and I still get that "sweat" factor of can't we finish up faster. So dd is not as bad as she was at 2 1/2 but still not great...I think it is much like your AQ quote - I try not to get through the dinner so fast and enjoy the chaotic moment. Babysitters and take out and child friendly restaurants seem to help us the most. ps - LOVED your garden layouts!

(single mom with 2 autistic boys)
You do what is comfortable for the family. If you don't mind him standing up at the table, and he is not hurting himself or others, you let him do it.
Mostly, we don't go to places like that. Even at fast food places my boys behave "oddly" for the norm. Andy likes to hang out in the vestibule. It took me a while to accept it, but it doesn't bother me anymore.
If you can't relax and enjoy yourself because of his behavior, then maybe you shouldn't go or shouldn't take him. Remember, he is still young and even though he will always be autistic, he won't always be little. His behaviors will get better.

I have a son with autism who is now 14. I encourage you to go do the things you would naturally do with Simon. When they are young it is hard and they don't understand the social "rules" but you need to do it together. I am a single mom of three and I took all three with me everywhere! I loved being out and about and I think it helped my son adjust to new surroundings. It wasn't easy during the early years but now I can and do take my son everywhere! He and I will be together until the end of my days and recently I took him and his 12 year old brother on a week vacation to South Dakota! If you had told me that this would have been possible, I would have laughed. It was the best vacation I've ever had. My son memorizes maps and had a great time seeing all the sites that were listed on the maps. I guess my final suggestion is pick and choose your battles. There are many to come. If you need a relaxing time out, then maybe a sitter would be good. I know I have gone and left many a place because it just wasn't going to happen and then there have been other times when we actually made it through a dinner. It does get better with time and age. I just wanted to give him the same experiences I gave my other two children. You are fortunate to have such a great partner to tag team with! I wish they had had portable dvd players when my son was young! Disney is King here.....still! Good luck and hang in there! By the way, hope to see you in Iowa City this Spring at Reminisce. I am one of their project designers and am looking forward to meeting you! Take care! Shelley

Having a 3 year old sit through a meal is a challenge in itself without adding autism or any other additional challenge to it. MJ rarely can sit through a meal, always anxious to jump up stating "I'm done" as soon as possible. And taking her to a restaurant is pretty much the same as what you described. You are doing great and all that you can do. It is stressful to take kids out to eat and so I just tend to avoid it for now. I know with time it will be more manageable.
All the best to you and your family in 2006.

Your a good Mom Ali. You give Simon opportunities and chances to succeed. You set the stage so that he can be a success at HIS life, no one else's life, just his. Sometimes it'll work (hopefully, most of the time). Sometimtes it won't. Hang in there. You know your kid better than anyone else. If you think he can succeed in a given situation, take him. If you think it's too much to ask, then don't ask him to do it.
All we can do is provide the opportunity for our child to succeed, based on their ability, skils, needs, ...etc. Here's hoping you can feel comfortable with what works/doesn't work for Simon and for you. And if eating out doesn't work for Simon, don't feel bad, it doesn't necessarily mean it will NEVER work, just that it doesn't work now. Things change. Kids grow. Parents change. We're in this together.
Hang in there... you're doing great.