Structure & Schedules & Expectations.

Hi Ali,
I know exactly what you are talking about. I have never been good about getting my to do into an organizer and following a schedule. My day changes according to how I feel and what I want to do.
However, my son Jacob (diagnosed with high-functioning autism)loves having a schedule. He is always worried about "what's next" and gets so fixated on it that he sometimes can't function. For him, we had his teachers institute a schedule. Even though he is only a kindergartener, he can read so they write a schedule for him before he starts class everyday. He checks off each activity as he finishes and moves onto the next one. (We need to design a kid version of the Franklin organizer for my boy because it has helped him sooooo much.) I haven't been very good about setting up one for him at home but then I'm afraid it may lock me into something when I want to work on mommy time. He's starting to tell time so I will soon be locked into a very strict schedule by my own son. Oh well, it's all good. Anything to help him succeed.
Take care. It will all work out. I enjoy reading your blog. It is so insightful. Thanks for letting us share the journey.

it's hard isn't it? Dh often says the same thing around here..when i'm gone he runs things like the military LOL. Kids seem to really thrive on schedules, but I'm so not a schedule person, so it's hard for me! i hope you can find a happy medium that works for all of you.

Very brave woman you are... It takes alot to realize and admit that we are being selfish. That just because we "do the right thing" stuff doesn't always work out the way we hope. There is work involved. Work that has zero to do w/ us. Selflessness is a very hard thing to acheive. I am proud of you for putting it out there and trying to change it. You will change it, b/c Simon deserves it.
P.S. Can't you make a little velcro "Art Journal Time" block for Simon to fit into the daily schedule??

Ali,
I have been reading your site for about 3 weeks now. I am always amazed at your insights and enjoy your comments. Reading today I thought I would write. I am the mom to 3 boys ages 13, 9, & 7. When you talked about "structure" and "schedule" today I thought I would share. I think that instead of labeling it "structure", it is easier for me to think of it/label it, regarding children, as "boundaries". You have a comfortable structure in your daily routine as you have described, but the issue becomes boundaries for kids. They need to know what their limits are and what your expectations are, which gives them "structure" in a sense. We as parents do have to "let go of ourselves" and focus on our children, what they need and what we need to give them, teach them and be to them, but we also need to remember that the part of "hanging on" to ourselves is what gives us balance. When we find that balance in our lives our children tend to have more balance--at least this is what I have found in my life and my experience. My kids react to situations and cope much easier when I am in balance. Good luck finding your balance. Remeber to balance your idea of "schedule" with what Simon needs--it's about baby steps to change : )

I know that little ones seem to do better on "their" schedules. But don't be too hard on yourself. You are still an important member of the family. And I think you are absolutely right, Simon will adapt and learn flexability from you. He may come to appreciate that aspct of you. A Lot. Try not to beat yourself up to much. Make your picture schedule a challenge, an adventure, maybe a bit less important in itself and allow it to help you. Just a thought from a "non" mama. Happy Memeorial Day weekend!

hi my friend. Take it slow...and let Chris help!
You are an amazing mom and just because you don't have an air-tight schedule doesn't mean you don't have a routine going on.
At our house the kids are with Jeff most of the day here at home and he's never had them on a strict schedule...enter me & I'm the exact opposite (but I need that for me) LOL! It's all about balance and finding the fit for all of you.
Have a nice long weekend--and go do a cartwheel or two :)

Ah - so hard being a parent! I find that it's so hard to get my head out of the clouds, as you said, get scrapping out of my head, get creating out of my head, and just focus on the moment, on the kids, on their needs at that exact moment. sigh. I'm there with you! Keep doing what you're doing - you are a great mom!

Well, welcome to parenting, but certainly not "get off your ass." This is actually something that most mothers don't really figure out until there is more than one child. I, too was VERY resistant, being primarily interested in "creating" a child who coped very well with change, and who had the ability to create his OWN schedule. What took me a very long time to realize was that like every good lesson, it must be modeled. In creating structure, we allow kids the freedom to expand in a "safe" environment. Sorta like not just handing them the keys and telling them to teach themselves to drive...You're an awesome mom, and not because you don't make mistakes, but you honor yourself and Simon by constant self-assessment.

It's bittersweet. seeking balance sucks the dang life out of you. structure soooo works though and i need to get off my ass and get a new schedule for summer - summer scares me. i think I'm going to look at that "super nanny" book to see if she has good ideas, lol, but I'm totally serious. "Open play" usually turns into "tv" in these parts and I've been lazy about it lately.
tell me/us more about your schedule when you feel like it - it would be nice to see what others are doing - maybe get some ideas.
smooch.

this parenting stuff is dam hard at the best of times and we all fall into these habits that force us off course. don't forget, you deserve a little bit of you time too, so don't feel guilty about being a little selfish. schedules are good - kids love routine too. you're doing a fabulous job A....it shows in all that you do!

We are lucky that I am a schedule type of person by nature. But I must say that we have many many friends who didn't put things in order in their house and wondered why, when their first child was 4 or 5, things were completely out of hand. Lots of people approach that first child as though he can just move into THEIR lives, that the child will adjust to fit into whatever they are doing. So, they go about their regular from-before-they-had-children days and try to make it work. Sometimes it does. But lots of times it doesn't and they don't see it until the child isn't doing so well.
And, on my own front -- I may or may not have anything to brag about...
(3 boys - 19, 14, 11)

isn't that what we all struggle with? Part of me does not want to constantly cater to my children, allowing them and teaching them to be self-reliant is a good thing right? But on the other hand one wants to be a positive presence in their child's life, not just halfway there, balance is the key and it is soooo hard when you feel tugs from so many different directions..
Good Luck,
Rochelle

Ali, I can so feel for you in this situation. This is exactly the way that I have always gone about parenting. (I have 3 under the age of 4)Sometimes I laugh to myself and say schedule, what's a schedule? Or I try something and always fail. It works for a few days and then we forget about it. Recently got some news from the Dr. about son number 1 that is going to cause us to adjust everything about the way we eat! So not happy about it and at a loss for where to even start! So trust me, girl. I feel for you and want to wish you good luck! You have inspired me to get started sooner rather than later!

Mark likes to say that I lived in "Joanna's World" until Cole came along...now it seems MUCH more like Cole's world 24-7!

I really struggle with schedules for the same reasons you listed. I am scared they will interfere with me and my flow of the day. I often want the kids to just "come along for the ride" I guess. Schedules are for sure good, we have a bit of one, but similar to what you described, we do the same things each day and often deviate according to our liking. Good for you for getting things down on paper, and adjusting your expectations and balance. I agree, it comes in baby steps. So don't be hard on yourself. There still needs to be room for "you" time as well.

oooh, I would struggle with the schedule thing, I just know it. I'm totally a *wing-it* and go with what works at the moment type person. BUT, I imagine that after going schedule....it will become easier, and thus, feel more natural. Stay tough!

I can't tell you how many times I have said to Sam that our we need more structure in our lives. For us, for Zoe, for ME to have some sanity! We both agree... but do we get off OUR asses and do it? Of course not!

Totally awesome. So many times, people are not willing to make the changes necessary for success in any endeavor. They want to have it their way and some how, miraculously, get different results than they have always gotten. FABULOUS that you recognize, are willing to do what it takes for Simon's success. After all, his success will be shared by you, you will forever be a part of it. How inspiring!!!

Uh . . . thanks. No, really. I'm also HUGELY guilty of being selfish regarding MY schedule. I am also resistant to give it up -- because it's like the only thing I am totally in control of!! My (very little) ME time. I applaud you for recognizing the difference in types of structure. I don't think I could have if you hadn't so nicely pointed it out!! You rock!! Another one joining in the "Get off your ASS" club . . .

Ali - your heart is in the right place, and you're love for Simon and Chris is so apparent. Don't be too hard on yourself - you're learning as you go, and thats "a good thing." Some of us recognize a problem and do nothing about it because the solution might require too much work/discipline. You are an inspiration to so many - and not just scrapbookers! Keep the faith! :)

Ali,
I totally relate. Josh is *very* into schedules, and he benefitted tremendously from a picture schedule when he was Simon's age. Remember, though, that while a picture schedule does require some adjustment now, is not a life sentence. It will help Simon while his verbal skills are developing, and while he is likely to always be fond of routines and predictability, but you will not be putting little pictures up to tell him the schedule for prom. {grin}
Also, I once met a woman who had a very interesting perspective on balance. She disliked thinking about achieving balance, because she thinks that balance is inherently unstable and thus found it to be a somewhat futile endeavor. She instead liked to think about her *life collage*, where she may want to add a little more of this or cover up a little of that, but while she was modifying she didn't feel like the current thing was wrong, but rather that she was just seeking something that she liked better. I quite liked the idea that instead of being off balance, perhaps I just need to play with my collage. She has a book, "Creating Your Life Collage": http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0609804103/qid=1117199927/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/104-4808486-7159122?v=glance&s=books&n=507846
Ali, as always, thank you for sharing yourself with us.

ya know ali, i am so like that too, don't feel bad. we have NO structure here....it's go to bed whenever you want, get up as late as you want, breakfast at 10 , lunch at 3, it's CRAZY.....but it works for now....i figure i have to get on lifes schedule soon as savannah starts kindergarten next year......i feel for ya, i do!
tara

Ali,
Gotta love the Boardmaker program (for the little picture signs) We used it all through preschool with Ethan. Many non-verbal kids use it to communicate (known as PECS). Wasn't our issue so we used it like you are for structure & a schedule. Funny thing is that I got to really enjoy the schedule - (I just scheduled my me time in as well...)
Once you get Simon used to the schedule and anticipating the next steps on the schedule THEN you work in the flexibility and go with the flow-ism 'cuz many kids on the spectrum have real issues with rigidity.
***For those who might be interested (?Cathy), there is a device that you can buy called the "Time Scout" that you plug into your TV or Computer (or any electrical device you have time issues with). You load a usage card with a set amount of time and when you want to watch TV, slide the card thru to activate, when your time is up, the TV shuts off and can't be turned on again without another active card (parents can reload cards each day or as often as they want). We use it in our house during the summer 'cuz I find the boys will watch hours of TV/play on the computer & I hate nagging.

Ali - I love the edited/added part of your message. It's so awesome that Simon just 'gets it'. Jacob will turn 2 in July. We started doing a picture schedule with him for bedtime a couple of months ago... and it's amazing - HE GOT IT. Immediately. What was once a challenging task (bedtime), turned into something that he enjoyed. All because he knew what to expect.
Our SLP has told me that it's impossible to put everything on a schedule. To just focus on those things that are challenging. For us that is bedtime. We're also trying to work on some First-Then boards. Basically, Jacob LOVES to draw... or I should rephrase. He loves to watch us draw. So I have to use that activity as a sort of reward. "First we eat, then we draw". This way you can still have some flexibility, and don't have to plan an extended sequence. And your child still gets to know 'what's next'.
Anyway, thanks for sharing. :)

Having kids is os hard isn't it? It's hard to let go and give up the life we were usedto before them and re-structure. It's hardto find that new balance. I havefound Mack loves schedlues and nknowing what is coming next. The way I relate to it is that for me I always know in my head on any given day what "I" have planned out- what my internal schedule will be but I have to remember to share that schedule with Mack and let her in on my plan - makes it so much easier. She has so little control of what happens in her world that she thrives when she knows what is happening when. It's tough though. Parenting is such a hard job.