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When You Are Away

AE_BH_GoodLifeSeries

A few weeks back I got an email from Becky Higgins asking me to contribute a post to her Good Life series she's running on her blog this year. This was the post I ended up writing - it was shared on her site last Sunday and I want to post it here in my archives as well:

Part of cultivating a good life is knowing we can make it through hard things.

Two years I ago my life changed in a million big and little ways when I went through the process of an unwanted divorce.

There is nothing easy about divorce but in our case, through intention, hard-work, mutual respect and a shared love of our children we've been able to move forward in a best-case scenario that I'm thankful for every single day.

I don't want to sugar coat this experience or give you the impression that it's no big deal or easy or everything is wonderful all the time. It isn't. It's gloriously imperfect. There are scars. There are emotional challenges. There are missteps and backwards slides.

But every single day we choose love.

One of the hardest things for me, especially in the beginning of this life change, was not having my children with all of the time (not that they were with me every single moment before but there is no way to discount the acute pain that came from the times when they weren't with me because we were getting a divorce). This has gotten easier over the years as I've come to appreciate the time I have to myself, especially for cultivating my own interests and relationships. But in the moment it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my body.

I've been thinking about writing something to my kids about what I do during the times they are with their Dad. Sometimes they ask me when I see them again but most of the time we just give a whole lot of hugs and move on with whatever is next (often popcorn and an evening movie all cuddled up together on the couch - a re-entry tradition I started when we first began sharing our kids between our separate houses).

Someday down the road they might be curious about I do when they are away.

Many of the scrapbook pages I have created include letters to my kids as the main journaling component. It's an easy way for me to organize my thoughts and share with them something from my heart. I think that writing a letter is a great way to share this with my children and I'll be taking this text and turning it into a layout soon.

I want my kids to know that we, all of us together and each of us individually, can make it through hard things. We do that by supporting and loving each other even when it's hard, even when we'd rather go hide under the covers.

We can choose to make the best of what's in front of us right now, even when it's hard.


Dear Simon & Anna,

Someday down the road you might wonder what I do on those days and weekends when you are with Dad.

I think it’s important for you to know that I miss you when we are apart. I think it's important for you to know that I know you are safe and being cared for in a very loving environment which I am so very thankful for. It is important for you to know that you are so very loved, whether we are together or apart. It’s also important for you to know that what I try to do during those days we were apart is live the length and width of my life.

Sometimes I work ahead on my "work stuff" so I can be more available and present and less distracted with my to-do list when we are together.

Sometimes I play. That might mean going to the movies, a concert or other travel to near or far away places.

Sometimes I travel for work, often with Katie along for the ride.

Sometimes I do nothing and simply rest in the cocoon of my bed and blankets.

Sometimes I mess around in the yard or clean up your rooms or re-organized things around the house.

I often do laundry.

Sometimes I go to more than one movie in a row.

Sometimes I exercise for longer than I usually can when you're both here. Maybe at the gym. Maybe on my bike. Maybe at the pool.

Sometimes I go out for dinner and drinks with friends and celebrate that we all made it through another week in our crazy lives.

Sometimes I sleep in late, read the paper at the dining room table, and never change out of my jammies all day.

Sometimes I feel sad and sometimes I'm so happy I feel like I can fly.

Sometimes I try to learn something new. I think I need to do more of that.

I often dream.

I often think of you guys and what you might be doing (I usually know) and hope you are enjoying time with Dad and his family.

In case you ever worry about me, I want you to know that I am okay.

And man do I love it with all my heart every time you return home.

Love, Mom

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45 thoughts

  1. Brooke says…
    03/13/2014

    I so loved reading this post on Becky's blog. A while back you said you had a post on divorce sitting, waiting to be written in your drafts folder. I think you just wrote it.

    I love so much that I found you because of your creativity but what I really got was lessons on life.

    Reply 0 Replies
  2. Hebie says…
    03/13/2014

    I met you at PLAY in Anaheim and was able to talk to you briefly and about being divorced. I have followed your journey as my divorce happened at about the same time as yours. I have the same perspective as you....you have to choose LOVE. Otherwise you let bitterness win and I don't want that to be my legacy to my kids. I have so loved reading this post- it's refreshing and I applaud you Ali. Hugs.

    Reply 0 Replies
  3. KathyinMN says…
    03/13/2014

    I read that, and laughed at the 'unwanted divorce' part. As someone who is divorced and knows plenty of divorced people, no divorce is ever wanted. Cripes its a painful, awful process, even when the two people are not in love anymore! But someone who isn't divorced would never understand. Hard process, appreciate you sharing all of that with the scrapbooking world.

    Reply 0 Replies
  4. Michelle t. says…
    03/13/2014

    Very touching. Thanks for the perspective. Beautifully written letter to your kids. Michelle t

    Reply 0 Replies
  5. Debora Prass says…
    03/13/2014

    Thanks for sharing, it is very brave to open your heart like that.

    Reply 0 Replies
  6. Angie Hall says…
    03/13/2014

    Ali, thank you for being so transparent and open. My husband and I are going through a really rough patch right now. But when I read your words,"...supporting and loving each other even when it’s hard," it caused me to pause for a moment. Thank you for that.

    Reply 0 Replies
  7. heidig says…
    03/13/2014

    I've been there. This brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing Ali.

    Reply 0 Replies
  8. Ann says…
    03/13/2014

    I read this piece earlier in the week and resonated with each word. As a divorced woman at year 6 following the hardest days, I appreciated how you made no attempt to sugarcoat your feelings or cover up how darn hard it is sometimes. Yet you don't leave us there as you tell a story of how everything has changed and that there are even some good moments. Thank you for your honesty.

    Reply 0 Replies
  9. Arlyna says…
    03/13/2014

    Thank you so much for sharing this story because this really made me feel thankful while at the same time sad. This is the first time I am really opening up because to be honest, when I started following your blog and your work, I thought how lucky you are to have a fantastic life and family. And when you shared about your divorce, it somehow shook me to the core. All the while I was thinking how could it be? And then I selfishly told myself this divorce thing will not happen to me (esp coming from a Catholic background).

    And on the eve of our 12th anniversary, it happened, a fight that led to separation and divorce and betrayal. So I was totally wrong! It has taken me a long time to recover especially after the betrayal, because I didn't think this was going to happen to me.

    I feel so bad and so wrong for thinking what you went through will never happen to me. I've been so naive.

    You had been an huge inspiration to me since then lifting me up with your stories and seeing a lot of positive things as a result. And could be a blessing-in-disguise as I get to go on adventures with my kids, do more fun stuff, do more hugging and cuddling...

    And so I want to say THANK YOU for sharing and for continuing to be an inspiration.

    (Sorry this is a bit long winded...)

    Reply 0 Replies
  10. Kimberly says…
    03/13/2014

    Ali, I admire your strength and resiliency. I am in the beginning of an "unwanted divorce" and everything is quite raw for me. Your letter was so beautifully written. I hope to achieve the level of strength you have as I too go through this process. Thank you, so much, for sharing. You are so inspirational to so many!

    Kimberly

    Reply 0 Replies
  11. Amanda N. says…
    03/13/2014

    Thank you for writing this, Ali. My son still asks what I have done while he is spending time with his dad (even after 5 years). Thank you for always sharing your heart with all of us.

    Reply 0 Replies
  12. {vicki} says…
    03/13/2014

    with a tear in my eye....

    I think your kids do need to hear that you are okay if they are worrying about you when they are gone.
    I have been divorced but I did not have kids...and now that I am remarried and have a son...I think the very hardest part for me too would be the separation/sharing of the kids. God bless you on your continuing journey! I know you will "THRIVE!"
    Great post!

    Reply 0 Replies
  13. BETH P says…
    03/13/2014

    So love this Ali <3 This is so heartfelt and I know Simon and Anna will love to have this from you, for them to read when they want. Just beautiful xxx

    Reply 0 Replies
  14. Marie-Pierre says…
    03/13/2014

    I admire you, Ali. For your way of seeing life and for sharing it with us. I like following you for your creativity, for sure, but even more for who you are and for how you see things, and for how you say things. I learn so much from you. You are a great inspiration. Thank you. Marie

    Reply 0 Replies
  15. Nicky from Okotoks says…
    03/13/2014

    Thank you for sharing such a hard life experience. It is wonderful to see the positive for your beautiful kids. We all must count our blessings each and every day and remember that Life is Good, even when we have tough times!!

    Ever inspiring.

    Reply 0 Replies
  16. Maggie says…
    03/13/2014

    Loved this post so very much. I always appreciate you sharing these intimate glimpses into your life, as so many of us can relate in one way or another.

    Reply 0 Replies
  17. Carrie says…
    03/13/2014

    Yes, friend! We can do hard things! And be better for it. Love you.

    Reply 0 Replies
  18. Katie says…
    03/13/2014

    I agree with everyone that has already posted - THANK YOU for being so open and honest and sharing your heart with us as you share it with your children. I too am divorced and being away from my children is the absolute hardest part of it all. We are not quite to the level that you and Chris are but we are getting there. I think I will be writing a similar letter to my children. Thank you again.

    Reply 0 Replies
  19. Meghan says…
    03/13/2014

    Ali, so many times you have inspired me or made me laugh or brought tears to my eyes. I too, suddenly, am going through an unexpected divorce. Right now I feel like my heart is being ripped apart whenever the girls are gone. But I have to be strong, for them and for me. I see how you have made this divorce a growing part of your journey, and reading this gives me more comfort than I can say. Thank you for your sharing and your amazing outlook on even the harsh parts of life.

    Reply 0 Replies
  20. The Necessity of Hard | simplyspokn says…
    03/13/2014

    […] my feed included a post by the inspirational Ali Edwards (Read Post here). As I read it, I had to suck back the bitter taste of my own divorce 3 years ago. Not only was it […]

    Reply 0 Replies
  21. Kim Schofield says…
    03/13/2014

    I think really sharing with your children is very important as they age and consider "what went wrong" in your marriage. My parents divorced when I was eight (my brother was two) and now, at 47, I still struggle with their decision. I think part of the issue is that neither of them really talked to my brother and I...we don't really know why they divorced (of course we have one side of the story but not the other). They kind of tried to act like it was no big deal. No matter what adults say, divorce is devastating for children. I understand that sometimes it can't be avoided but I do think it's so important to keep the lines of communication very open...even if it means showing them the difficulties. I think it's a great thing that you're documenting for them. And I'll do my best to not strongly dislike your ex for putting you all through such a difficult process. LOL! I'm so, so happy that you've found someone else and hope that he's a keeper and treats you like a queen! :-)

    Reply 1 Reply
    1. Raylene says…
      08/22/2014

      Thank you for sharing, Kim. Same boat for me less than 2 years ago. Lots of people told me that it was 'none of the kids' business', that divorce is strictly between spouses. I just could NOT agree with them. I know it doesn't matter what age kids are . . . mine are 34 and 32 . . . they are still devastated by the break up. They need to know what went wrong. "We outgrew each other" or "went different directions" is a neat little package to tell strangers, but those little white lies are blown apart when they see you struggle for your life. My doctor says what kids need to see is Mom very happy and taking care of herself. I agree. But it was HELL for 17 months. All that time i was committed to working on myself through therapy and coaching. I am pain free 17 months later! It took lots of support and living with an open heart. Today my daughter and I have returned to "us" but my son & I are estranged. Sad fact is that he blames me. He might turn out like his Dad and prefer to sweep things under the rug . . . more's the pity . . .

  22. Kathy says…
    03/13/2014

    I left you a question from your blog post two days ago. Would you please send me a answer. It regards your pages on starting to digital scrapbook. Thank you

    Reply 1 Reply
    1. Ali says…
      03/13/2014

      Sure - here you go (it was actually listed above at the bottom of the content on that post): http://aliedwards.com/2010/01/getting-started-digital-scrapbooking.html

  23. Roberta says…
    03/13/2014

    Ali,
    Bless you Ali, for choosing love, for struggling so hard in the muck (divorce is so fuuullll of muck), for being strong, and for sharing this with us so we can grow and flourish also. Thank you!

    Hang in there! Your kids are so beautiful - and Simon is getting so tall!

    Reply 0 Replies
  24. Mikki says…
    03/13/2014

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I too went though an unwanted divorce years ago and hearing you talk about your story always makes me optimistic and glad to hear that I am not alone.

    Reply 0 Replies
  25. Lenni says…
    03/13/2014

    Thank you Ali for sharing your personal journey. I wish I had your courage.

    Reply 0 Replies

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