The Path Towards Thriving | Living Hands Free
Throughout 2014 I'm planning to blog about my One Little Word journey as I investigate what it means for me to thrive. I don't have a set schedule in place but will share as I identify areas, recognize strengths or weaknesses, ask questions, learn lessons, and hopefully make life-affirming choices along the way.
No. 1 | I believe that for me to thrive I need to live a less distracted life.
"You know we're going to have an intervention about that soon right?"
We were sitting on the couch after dinner, chatting and getting ready to play a couple rounds of Mario Bros on the Wii.
Darn it (that's not really the word that came to mind but you get the point). "Yes," I replied and felt a wave of shame wash over myself.
My connection to the phone and the online world is powerful. It's where most of my work-life exists (I'm on the type-A, take-care-of-this-right-this-very-minute, obsessive end of the personality spectrum), where many of my friends exist, and to be honest, sometimes some of my self-worth is mixed in here too.
I put my phone face-down on the couch next to me and turned to face him, "I know."
In my head I could rationalize it. I was waiting for him to get things set up. I was probably checking my email one more time because I'm responsible and I pride myself on being accessible and taking care of stuff immediately or I was peeking at Facebook seeing if any responses were needed or if there was a comment on a photo I'd recently posted on Instagram.
But I knew he was right.
I need a major iphone boundary check.
Another evening we had a discussion about parenting after Anna refused to put her coat away. She was exhausted and defiant. I was exhausted and not ready for battle because it seems like battling is all we do lately. During the discussion he said he thought she was mean to me. He had watched, unsure where to step in and when to step away.
It was a good talk about who we are and who we want to be as parents. I listened carefully, trying hard not to take anything too personally, listening instead for suggestions I could implement the next time an opportunity arose. It was hard and easy at the same time because I know what he was saying was coming from a loving place and that he was right.
As I reflect on how Anna and I have been interacting lately I think so much of it comes down to me being a distracted parent. Distracted by my work, distracted by the dishes in the sink, distracted by the running list in my head, distracted by pressures both real and imagined, distracted by a million other things.
Damn.
I don't want to be this person. I know there are times when I've been less distracted but over the last couple of years I've become that person again and it's definitely time for a re-alignment.
I have lots of excuses for my distractions but really none of them matter more than my relationship with my kids and those closest to me.
It's time to start living that way.
I wrote out the above stories a few days ago as I started working on this post.
Since then I've taken a few steps forward and a few steps back. The simple act of acknowledgement - and for me this has been a growing acknowledgment over the past few months - is starting to result in me actually taking action.
One of the first things I'm doing is reading Rachel Macy Stafford's new book Hands Free Mama. Rachel runs a blog of the same name that you might have seen me mention or link to in the past. She's a wonderful story teller and truth teller and is really inspiring life-changes by encouraging people to get connected to what really matters. I reviewed an advance copy of the book last year but feel like I'm really reading it for the first time now. And PS - this book isn't just about creating meaningful connections with your kids - it's about removing the distractions that keep us from deeply connecting with the people we claim to care about most.
One of the suggestions from Rachel is to go public about your intention to live Hands Free so here I am.
Hi, I'm Ali and I've been living distracted for far too long and I'm ready to let go and make a very meaningful change in my life.
Tonight I started reading a chapter book out loud to both kids in the evening. It's an opportunity for the three of us to do something together that doesn't involve a screen.
We're starting with Charlotte's Web.
This is really hard. One thing I think we can all do, even though we are struggling to implement the ideals ourselves, is support each other in the culture out there about what is expected.
Today at work a woman who also works part-time mom asked me in a meeting (aka called me out) about whether "you check email at home or, when you're home, you're home." Among the commenters here I would say I try...and that means I try to just be home. But that is not what she meant was the professional, even the respectable answer. (She got my real answer, stumbling though it was :)
I can definitely feel (negative) shift in how I am perceived at work since letting go of my workaholic habits, and that self-worth thing runs deep! And the women are way tougher on it than the men! I hope we can all speak up for each other to make it easier to live this way in the work we need to do.
Thank you for telling your story!
Contratulations for being home when you are home. We need more people to stand up and say when I am here I am working but when I am at home I am doing that, far more important, job. When I talk to older people, and at 51 reflect on my life so far, at NO point do I ever wish I had spent more time on work issues! I DO regret time spent away from my husband and children though. I know work is essential for many families and keeping your job is important. However, I have often found when one person has the courage to speak up in a group and say something that goes against the perceived belief many others will follow and speak up too. It takes one brave soul to encourage all the others less confident. And why is it that women as so hard on each other? I work with mostly men (two full-time and one part-time women in a 25+ team) and the men as no way as hard on themselves or each other than women can be. Curious....
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Like so many others Ali, this post struck me. I too, am a distracted parent. Not only by my electronics, but my my work, my to do list, and all the million things I plan or organize and feel that I need to accomplish. I was thinking about your post and my one little word came to me:"present."
I want to be present in the moments of my life. Mono- tasking. Not multi tasking.
Thanks, Ali
Mono-tasking! What a great word. I will borrow it (for keeps). Thanks.
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For your children to thrive, you need to live a less distracted life.
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I totally get this. One of my personal goals this year is to unplug more. While my business goals include utilizing better marketing strategies and developing my blog voice. So hard to balance.
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Some of the best and most memorable times come from reading out loud. It is great for children to read out loud but they learn even more when we read to them. They hear how it should sound, the rhythm, pronunciation, and so much more. Enjoy. Those times will be gone before you know it. My oldest 3 children are married or preparing for marriage, all within 13 months. Again, enjoy. Don't blink. Don't turn. Just soak it up.
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Damn, Ali. That was powerful stuff. Really, girl. I've been feeling the same way -- distracted by technology, the need to complete my own projects, checking thing off on my list, etc. And sometimes, when I'm with my boy, I think of all the stuff I should be doing. What the heck? I don't want to be that parent either. I've read some of Rachel's posts and it makes me re-evaluate my relationship with my son, my husband and people in general. I'm with you, sista. Going hands free.
I decided to go with thrive too. I want to thrive emotionally (really need to keep my emotions and patience levels in check), relationally (if that makes sense -- work on my relationships with folks who matter), physically (so I can do all the active stuff with my boy), financially (finances can strain a relationship so I'm working on simplifying and building up savings), and mentally (reading more books (like Hands Free Mama - ha!) rather than Facebook, etc).
Here's to a year of less distractions. Here's to a year of building relationships that matter. Here's to living Hands Free.
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Michelangelo said, "I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free."
If we chiseled away your iPhone, I suspect we'd set free The Thinker (but I wouldn't rule out the possibility of an angel).
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BRAVO..MS.ALI!!!
You are truly an amazing example for us all.
Thank you.
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Just remember that we do the best we can with what we have. I am a mom of 1 (4 years old). Married to an amazing man. BUT I WORK FULL TIME! Talk about my guilty conscious everyday when I fetch him from day care and 2 hours later it is bed time.... Ladies you are the best mom to your children no matter what... (Yes some people are in fact really bad parents - drugs alcohol related etc etc...). yesterday I was witnessed someone who would have given their all to keep their child just one more day... I think you all have done a pretty amazing job... and Ali thank you for writing this...
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This is too coincidental! I just heard about this book several days ago and have been reflecting lately that I too am way too distracted and it's effecting my relationships with my two younger children. You're not alone Ali!
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Thank you for this post! Everything you wrote about your parenting and Anna so much is true for me and my little girl Emilia too.
Love to hear more of your journey as I always want to focus more on my children, but I still get distracted far too often.
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Wow...! This could have been me described here. I'm not sure I could have put it as well, though.
I'm not only distracted from my two girls, I'm also distracted from myself. Need to work on better habits... And be even more aware that meditation is not taking time from other things, it is bringing attention into my life.
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Thank you so much for sharing this Ali, for trusting us and inspiring us. My heart goes out to you, I've been there and it's not fun, girls have so much drama and are stubborn. Be kind to yourself and you've made this firs step, way to go! Sending you prayers, hugs and patience and lots of smiles to help you along!
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[…] I read Ali Edwards‘ blog post yesterday morning, reaching out and grabbing many of her words. I am sure others can relate as […]
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It's strange when I read one of your post and I think you are talking about me. My youngest and I are battling it out more often than no t too. It's interesting to think about being distracted because that's how I feel most of the time. Thanks for being brave enough to talk about it and work through it with all of us.
Great choice for a read out loud book. I read this last year to my boys and we really enjoyed the time together.
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This post, among other posts and other ways in which you maneuver through this creative universe, Ali, are inspirational to me. Thank you for sharing vulnerably and honestly. You're a cool cat. A class act.
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Thank you for your honesty
xo
being distracted is a constant struggle. I feel like focused attention is a muscle that has to be constantly 'kept in shape' or you lose it.
(we're reading the focus manifesto for my book club this month: http://lemonandraspberry.com/book-club/)
I did something similar last year, btw - blogging roughly every Sunday about some small BRAVE thing I did to keep me accountable AND to help celebrate the little things. I think you'll find this new blogging series helpful.
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Technology will take over your life if you let it. It is an addiction and needs to be treated as such. I am really sad about how people seem to be losing the ability to be present with the people they are with-all looking at their smart phones instead of connecting with each other. Kind of hard to build community when you are NOT present. Why would someone text a message to someone in the same room with them (I actually have seen this happen with teens)?!? Put your cell phone somewhere that is "off limits" for x amount of time. Maybe start off for short periods and extend it. I only check my email at most 2x a day, often only once. It can be done, one day at a time. Claw back to living your life as it is actually happening. You can't give your loved ones a better gift than being present with them.
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Thank You!
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I was just thinking about the same thing, and how to make the change to be more fully in the moment. As a SAHM, I feel I need space sometimes, and web-surfing or texting feels like my break. However, it needs to be limited. Seriously limited for a healthy relationship with my daughter. Happily, she is joyful, and well-adjusted. Want to keep her that way!
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Hi Ali. I replied earlier, but wanted to tell you I thought of you every time I was tempted to pick up my iPhone last night. While cooking dinner, during homework....I didn't realize how much I did it, until I consciously made myself aware when I was doing it. (Kind of like tracking everything you put in your mouth, my shock and horror of my little snack here and there.) And then I saw this, I though I'd share here...
http://www.artthesystem.com/2013/12/after-i-saw-this-i-put-down-my-phone.html
Have an amazing day! xoxo
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Add me to the list of people who were touched by your post. I found a quote, Just last week, that I wrote on my kitchen chalkboard...
"LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE."
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So hit home with me, Ali! I often tell myself "what's so darn important that it can't wait until tomorrow when they are at school?"They grow up so darn fast and I won't regret not answering an email or checking instagram later in life, but I will regret not playing a board game or watching a movie with them....they are so much more important to me!
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Hi! Thank you. I am the mom of five children, I work full time and find that I hide in my distractions. They make me feel like I'm seeing to myself, like I'm taking care of myself somehow- when in reality I'm really keeping myself separate from my family. I was challenged by a friend this past fall to really engage with my children, that when I did they I might not feel like fleeing all the time. At times it works and is amazing, though I must admit I still feel like running away to ... anywhere somedays. :-) And so we read books at the dinner table before we put away our dishes, we try a new park or outdoor area out about once a week and I practice taking deep breaths! Because I want to be the mom that stays with her children, that enjoys them and sees them as people. Thank you for your insights and encouragement!!!
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This book is on pre-order for me, so hopefully it's being sent to my house by now. I also have the exact same issues - obsession with being touch at all times, to the expense of my children, of taking care of our house, even of making dinner at times. My daughter and I battle daily about packing her backpack for the next day, taking her nightly shower, having good manners at the dinner table, etc., but that whole time, I have got my iPhone (or sometimes my iPad) in my hand. Something's gotta change. Good luck with Thrive! I hope you make some progress this year!
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