Seeing.
Our friend Jason took this photo last weekend when he and Chris took Simon and Ruby to the Kid's Museum. I love this photo. It is a behind the scenes look at what was happening right before this shot was taken:
Capturing the moment of capturing a moment.
I have gotten a few requests for the Anna Quindlen quote I had over on the side of the blog for awhile. Here is it:
" ...but the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three on them sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6, 4, and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in a hurry to get on to the next things: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less."
And on to another topic:
Celebrated Chris' Mom's birthday tonight at a great place called Lucky Noodle. Not super kid-friendly. But my kid is not really ever comfortable in any restaurant where he is expected to sit. Add in his dietary constraints and it makes it pretty tough to just relax and enjoy a meal.
I know there are other parents of autistic and special needs kids out there. What do you guys do in these situations? Just not take them? We brought along one of his favorite books (a Thomas magnet book) and a lunch box filled with things he does like to eat. He ate them but he was done too soon and then all he wanted to do was escape from the table. I was able to keep him occupied for a bit by writing out the ABC's and drawing some shapes - but that did not last long either.
My other questions: should we have adjusted expectations for him? Driving home we wondered if we give him too much latitude? Like letting him stand up from the table (we were sitting in a corner area) as long as he does not try to escape - which ends up being all that he wants to do. Should we try to make him sit? Is he not doing it because we are telling him to sit? Or will he not sit because he really just can't mentally handle the instructions and/or stimulation in the restaurant?
Curious about others' thoughts on this...please share...
My brother has 3 children, and his middle - my nephew Skyler, is autistic. Incredibly smart, sweet and pretty high functioning. They rarely go out to eat anymore. Mostly carry-in, unless it's date night just the 2 of them. However, there came a situation this year when we had many group family functions and eating out was in the plan. Sky was explained to, very directly, that we were going to a nice place to eat and what he was expected to do. They gave him no latitude. None. Do not stand. Do not shout. Use your manners. Eat your food. They brought crayons and white paper. If he squirmed or whined they had a signal, putting their hand on his leg - that meant "Pay attention, I don't like what you are doing". Somehow that physical touch was the key. He did great.
My advice, go out sparingly, but when you do - stick to a plan.
Good luck.
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We take our two "active" boys to restaurants all the time and I have found that taking them to a park before we eat to get that extra energy out helps a lot. They arent autistic, but my five year old is ADHD and taking him outto eatcan be a tiring experience! I have also found that if I complement him about how good he is being, what a gentleman he is being and what excellent manners he has, he will try even harder to please us. If its a really nice restaurant, we get a babysitter because I know the kids will have more fun at home playing and we will have more fun not being stressed out.
It looks like Simon had fun at the Portland Childrens museum. We went there this summer when we visited my parents and the kids LOVED it there. I have a funny picture in the water area of my two year old chasing a guy in a really nice suit about to pour a cup of water on him! Luckily i was quick enough to grab the water from him before the man got soaked. We all loved the clay area too! That was too much fun. I plan to go back on our next trip to see mom and dad.
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Hey Ali,
I work with autistic children as an intervention specialist. You asked some really good questions that are challenging to answer. On one hand you're trying to enjoy an evening out with family, but on the other you're questioning the compromises you have to make in order to enjoy that night out. I always tell parents of my students to think about how important it is to share an experience (like going out to dinner) with their child and what it will take in order to enjoy that experience. If you're stressing and Simon is not wanting to sit (which most children his age, autistic or not, won't want to do) then maybe you shouldn't bring him along, or maybe you could do something more kid friendly, like just go out for dessert somewhere. I think that any parent with an autistic child has to have different expectations for their children. No one will know better than you what Simon can and can't do, so instead of doing things that lead to stress, think of other ways to enjoy your time together. I love the idea shared about providing incentives (like a sticker chart) - that's a great way to reinforce positive behavior and many children respond well to it. They see their small successes (earning one sticker) lead to the bigger picture (filling up the chart and earning a reward). Just remember to make the first reward he earns very easy - set him up for success, then gradually increase your expectations. Parenting is a challenge - special needs or otherwise - and what is equally challenging is allowing some time for yourself. I used to resent my son when his behavior would interfere with something I wanted to do. Now I try to step back and view the situation through his eyes, keeping in mind where he is developmentally. It's not fair of me to expect more of him than what he is capable of. Good luck, and WOW - Simon is very blessed to have you!
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Hi ali,
I do not have a child with autism, but I have worked with Autistic children and adults for years. I do not have any great answers. Resturants are hard- even if your child does not have autism. Sounds like you and your husband are doing a great job. You know your child the best and you know what he and you can handle. Exposing him to situations is a great experience for both of you. You can't always avoid them- so practicing is good. How would you know what he/you could handle if you were never exposed to public situations. Take Care.
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I have no experience in this area other than being a mother of two. Special needs children are ALL different. You, as his mother, knows him best. You will know from trial and error as well. We do wind up training our children. It may take longer, it may take some time...only you truly know him and what he can handle (again from trial and error I'm afraid.)
Perhaps, however, next time agree to attend this type of occassion but only go for a drink or two and appetizer or coffee & dessert? I'm sure your family is understanding. They can only be grateful that you come in the first place. Think of you often with your quest in raising such a special handsome boy. I think you are doing a rockin' job.
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Hi Ali...
This is my first time posting. :o)
You've gotten so much wonderful support and great ideas here! I don't really have anything new to add, but really wanted to put in my $.02 worth of encouragement. You are doing such a wonderful job! And it really is a little KID thing, and not an autism thing... while I'm sure that the autism does present unique challenges and I honor that. Eating out is really tough with kids. I am going to use some of these ideas myself!
You are a great mother. And Simon sounds like a really neat kid.
Peace and Blessings.
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Hi Ali,
I always enjoy your posts about Simon. He is such a cutie and you have such a wonderful attitude and willingness to help him. There are lots of good ideas in the comments here.
One thing that worked well for us was a trick they used in the ABA based school our son went to. They encouraged us to use a lot of positive reinforcement: when he was sitting appropriately tell him "I like the way you are sitting at the table!" and then give him a little skittle or some sort of reinforcer. This helps when they are young and you are trying to teach an appropriate behavior. Gradually you fade the amount of reinforcers and then eventually the praise alone is enough. When they are out of their seat you can praise someone else like "Dad, I love the way you are sitting in your seat!" and sometimes that will work to get them on track. I know that praise has always worked well for my son Alex.
That said, restaurants are tough environments. There is a lot of noise and it is a difficult situation so I think it is more than ok to make some adjustments for the happiness of your son. We still do. Alex is 12 now and we try to get him to participate with the group for a few minutes and then we let him play with his game boy. When Simon gets a little older you may want to look into a game boy for him. It has been a huge help for us in public situations! We let our son wear a fanny pack and keep his game boy in there and then he knows that if he makes it through what we ask him to do then he will get time to play. :)
I really believe it gets easier as they get older. The age that Simon is now was the most difficult for Alex. So hang in there and keep doing all the great stuff that you do!
Katie
(aka Katie the Scrapbook Lady)
P.S. this is such a great post that I would love to include an entry about it on my autism blog and link to you if that is ok? My autism blog is http://autisminthenews.blogspot.com/ and my scrapbook blog is http://scrapbooklady.blogspot.com/
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What I try to do for our son and for my kids when I was teaching is to try to set them up for success. Sounds like you all did that. I wouldn't suggest going out when he's having a bad time or when he is super tired. Kids just can't be expected to handle busy environments when they're tired. I don't do my best then, why would a 4 year old?
If you already have a laptop, perhaps the dvd option. I like what the lady said about hanging in the foyer. If that wouldn't overstimulate it might be a "special treat" especially if you and Chris were seated near the door. I don't know if that would be a privelege and if he would like the idea of being a big boy on his own for a bit. Or sitting in a corner of the rest. near the back where Simon could carve out his own space away from people. Maybe circled in with the help of a plant or something. That would give him a defined space and let him chill on his own but still out of people's way and with minimal disruption.
Remember though, the folks you are dining with (esp. family) love your Simon. Even if he is a kid with different needs, he's still a kid and you can expect to ask people to make some concession to children.
Might also ask Simon's teachers what they would suggest. They know him well (certainly better than I do) and might be able to help you trouble shoot for the future.
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Ali... you're doing a great job and were as prepared as you probably could have been for the restaurant challenge. I'm with some of the others. It is more a "kid" thing than an "autistic" behavior. We have 5 grandchildren (8,6, two that are 3 and a 16 month old). It is always such a fiasco going to a restaurant with them, even kid-friendly. Someone (nd most of the time two of them)are always having a "meltdown" and demanding our attention. You just have to do the best you can and adapt to the situation or need. Children do need to learn to behave in social situations but at these ages only so much can be expected. Good luck!
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Ali,
If you saw my 4 1/2 year old son, who doesn't have autism, eating at my home or a restaurant, you might think he'd been found in the forest, raised by wolves! I want to yell out, "we're nice people, really we are!"
It is the age. To expect other behavior is setting oneself up for disappointment I think. We take Ethan to restaurants and they aren't Chuck E Cheese, but we go at an ungodly hour, like 5:30 when all of the really elderly people go and it seems more like lunch really:) Reminds me of an old Seinfeld episode. I digress... Anyway, he is much better at that hour and we are gone before the majority of people under 70 get there so he won't bother them if he is bouncing around in the booth or being too loud or whatever.
My daughter, now 18, was the same way. Her dad used to spend most of the meal outside with her while I ate by myself (it was wonderful really)! I think she was 5 or 6 years old before they joined me again. She is a joy to eat with now, even though she has a habit of ordering the most expensive thing on any menu!
Good Luck,
Michelle
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Ali - I think you are doing just fine . . .Simon seems like a great little boy. . .I really enjoy reading about him, as I am the mom of a typically developed 5 YO (I know the lingo, as he attends the GREATEST preschool that mainstreams special needs kids - many of which have autism)who has a lot of the same issues. . .some of it - is just being a little boy. Ryan has a hard time with sitting still - for any period of time. . .restaraunts are really tough - confined space. . .we all just do the best we can, and do what feels right in the moment. . .you and your husband seem to have a wonderfully close relationship with your son - and that's what a little boy needs most in the world. Hugs and warm thoughts -
Hillary
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:) Ali- wow! how lucky you are to get such great advice and comments. Some of it reminded and helped me to think more with my 1 and 2 year old going out to eat, etc... So glad I read this today!
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Ali--here is what works for our 2.5 yo DD (who is not autistic). 1) even though she can sit in a "big girl chair" for fancier restaurants (i.e. a place where you dont carry your food to your table on a tray... LOL!) I always get her a high chair so it is harder for her to escape. 2) I always bring a variety of toys for her to play with including crayons. each differnt thing is brought out one at a time to make it last longer! 3) we always immediately order her food so it comes right away and she doesnt have to wait. 4) when she gets antsy, and can no longer sit, we leave. even if it means packing up half our food. While we try ot set limits and teach her to sit, she is still a toddler so we go with the flow. it seems to work much better than trying to get her to sit still in a place that wants really meant for 2 year olds! 5) we never go anywhere with her when its time for a nap, and 6) I try to avoid any place and time where another couple may have paid a baby sitter to be there to enjoy a quiet meal without their kids.. LOL!
it seems to me like you are doing a great job with Simon and he is just being a toddler. I think sometimes other parents expect to much from their little ones in situations like that.
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Hi Ali,
My 5 year old Vince is on the autism spectrum and me & my husband also had the same issues with eating out. We also have a 2 1/2 year old so eating out is an adventure! Let me tell you, it does get better with time! We only eat at kid friendly places. Or if we do eat at a place that is borderline kid friendly, we eat very early before the lunch or dinner rush hour so that the restaurant is not as crowded. Yes, we've eaten many lunches at 10:30 am and dinners at 4 pm. We almost always request a booth. We also eat often at this one Chinese restuarant. Because we go there so often, Vince knows the menu and loves the familiar surroundings. When Vince was Simon's age, we brought whatever toys he was into at the time with us. We used the reward system to get Vince to sit still. If he stood up in his chair, we were strict with him but also kept in mind Vince's limitations. As a last resort, we did take turns walking around the restaurant with him. I believe only once did we have to just leave the restaurant because it wasn't a good day for Vince. But the more we exposed Vince to restaurants, the better he got. Like I said, it does get better with time. When we go out to eat, we still choose kid friendly places but Vince is so good! He is able to sit throughout the whole meal and we don't have to bring toys to the table anymore. I still keep some toys in my purse at all times in case of emergency.
Hang in there Ali! You are doing a fabulous job!
Jenny
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I just read the best book...Asbergers Syndrome, The Universe, and Everything by Kenneth can't remember his last name, but he is a 10 year old boy. You may be able to find it just by the title. I am a spec ed teacher and just loved this book because it's so simple and such an amazing glimpse into a 'different' perception.
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I can soooooo sympathize with you!!! LOL First off...love that resturant!!! We've been and it is definitely yummy! Second, we celebrated my birthday at Chevys last night..3 small babies...screaming and yelling their cheeks off...LOL drawing crayon on windows..LOL Well thank heavens it is a "LOUD" place, because NO ONE noticed! LOL My kinda dining for now!!! Thus we get to go out once a month! :) Totally normal!!!
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Ali:
I have 2 girls 6 & 8..
My husband and I from the time they were two yrs old until just about now got to the point where we REFUSED to spend $$ at restaurant only to leave tortured, stressed and broke. We had long talks about restaurant manners, the privelage of eating out, and the requirements involved - - and then we juggle the category of restaurant i.e - if kid friendly or not. They do much better now - there is hope! I don't think it's just an autistic thing - it is just being a kid. They love certain places and atmospheres and like potty training those are the places we endure in order to TRAIN them in the right behavior mode - - painful, not fun but necessary. They love the Japenese grill places - the compromise - we get to order sushi and they eat fried rice and enjoy the show at the table..which they love but they now understand in order to get to go there they have to be in that restaurant mode. Just know that you are going through what EVERY family goes through and are doing all the right things. Books, crayons, stickers - getting up to walk a bit while food is being cooked - it's all good. and then one day - BAM! he'll get it - you and Chris will smile at each other and then you'll know that all those tiring outings were well worth it! Kids are like puppies - they can chew, tear up and destroy many things - with a bit of love and compromise eventually they'll get it! (did I just compare my girls to dogs?? - -- lol!!! wonder why!! ) have a great day - I think you are an awesome person.
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Reading your blog today was like reading the thoughts in my mind - Ryan and I have been struggling with these exact same thoughts lately! Does Madi do that because of her Autism, or cause we let her, or cause of her little attitude right now? It's so hard to find that 'line' to distinguish which it is. We used to not be able to take Madi anywhere - she was out of control. But after her schooling she has really gotten better with it. We still don't really take her out to dinner though - just plan to leave her back - which is hard sometimes. We need to go try though!
No real advice, but just wanted you to know your not alone in your thoughts. Each kid with autism is so different cause so many different elements affect them - I just wish sometimes there was a solid handbook that I could refer too! Oh to dream! (: Hugs girl!
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You know, I've NEVER been to the museum! I always did OMSI growing up. I didn't even know it exsisted (pretty sad, as I have been a native PDX girl all my life).
Love the pics. TFS your blog w/ us.
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oh, Ali, if you didn't question then we'd worry about you!! Good parents always worry!! Simon has parents who care and that is the most important thing. Just keep caring and keep worrying and you will all be okay!
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My son has Aspergers and is 11 now. I remember those days... seems like yesterday. Here is what helped us:
- I had a bag (small messenger bag) that I carried with us like a diaper bag. It had a notepad, color pencils, small cars that only stayed in the bag (so they were special), other small figures and some color books. This bag also had dry snack (gold fish, cherios). My osn looked forward to getting to play with the special cars when we were out.
- We picked restaraunts that "worked" for us. Trial and error, and in hindsight I now know why the ones worked and didn't work. My son does not like loud noisey places, so places like Red Robin had just too much sensory overload for him. We had a fish and chips place in town that was mellow, but not fancy and they gave the kids a color sheet to color and a small cup of fish crackers - we ate at this place a lot.
- Meltdowns - no matter what they happen. And our kids don't have them to make their parents mad - they have them because their brains are overloaded and they are trying to cope. The only thing we could do is leave - AND this was a good lesson for my son. He knew if he got to the meltdown phase we would leave and I really felt that he tried hard to calm himself so he wouldn't have to leave.
There were certain times when we got invited out with friends and when we got to the restaurant I KNEW it wasn't going to happen. At times I would just order a salad because I knew I would need to go take a walk with my son.
And, the good news is that things get better, they learn to cope more, it is wonderful!
Good Luck
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I just wanted to add that I think it is important for all kids to "learn" how to eat in a restaraunt. So you definately don't want to cut out all eating out.
Also the one thing I've learned with my son is that negative consequences have little affect - but positive ones work wonders. I am trying to convince his 6th grade teacher of this and she is having a hard time understanding that all kids are not wired the same way.
Susan
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I just wanted to add that I think it is important for all kids to "learn" how to eat in a restaraunt. So you definately don't want to cut out all eating out.
Also the one thing I've learned with my son is that negative consequences have little affect - but positive ones work wonders. I am trying to convince his 6th grade teacher of this and she is having a hard time understanding that all kids are not wired the same way.
Susan
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I think you really have to pick your battles. Other parents may think you're nuts- but you know what works for your child and ultimately- what's the most important. Of course you have to work in some areas- but with a special needs child you can really make every moment of every day miserable if you try to enforce ALL of the typical rules. It's not fair to youor them. I can remember a few days where i have cried simply because the entire day was SO NEGATIVE! I had to remind myself that my first and most important job is to just love my children. If the love isn't being felt then it's time to re-evaluate the priorities and renegotiate your boundaries.
I know that if I want to have a good time at a restauraunt I need to find a sitter. It bites- but if not I usually don't enjoy things. I know almost every 2-3 year old boy is going to want to get up and run around when he loses intrest in dinner. It's the age :-)
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I distinctly remember this one time Joe and I took the boys out to eat. They must have been 2 and 4. We looked at each other and said, "why are we doing this to ourselves." Taking anyone under the age of 5 out to eat is hard.
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