Seeing.

Ali,
This was the first time I've looked at your blog and came across this post.
My sister has 4 boys, the oldest is autistic, and the second youngest has asbergers syndrome. Eating out was very difficult when they were little. The oldest is now 11 and does quite well. When we would all go out, it was usually a family friendly resturant. Adults took turns walking with the oldest when he got into the mood to walk around. He also needed to be depressurized - tight hugs, close quarters. Those are things you will have to learn about your son from therapy. It varies by child. Both boys had dietary issues as well and she would just pack food for them. That also got better by the way. They eat what everyone else eats now.
I do think that by taking them all out to eat actually prepared them for the expectations of what it means to go to a restuarant. I know how hard it is. One time I didn't hug him hard enough and he bit the snot outta my arm! It happens. I cried for 20 minutes because it hurt and also I felt I had let him down. It is so frustrating! But they do hear you and understand. You just get to repeat yourself more than most and one day the light bulb goes off. They get it. Just know you are preparing him for the future with every outing.
The world isn't so big and scary the more they get out there and learn how similar things are. Routines are good too. I think if you frequented the same resturant, he would learn what to expect. It might be a really good idea to let him roam early on and evaluate the place. Like where the bathrooms are, the exits, the cash register. The kitchen - we don't go in there - that kind of stuff. He might settle down faster having already explored his surroundings. Just some suggestions. I hope they help.
Other ideas, my 4yr old loves Thomas trains and we would let him pack a few into the resturant to play with. Magna doodles worked good too. They have a smaller version that is easier to pack. Good luck!

My younger brother (27) has autism. He wasn't diagnosed until 12. My parents rarely took him to a restaurant. Plus he has so many food allergies as it is. My brother just couldn't handle large crowds. My parents often did not attend church, and generally staying clear of places with crowds. When he was older he was able to occasionally go to restaurants.
I suspect my 3 year old nephew has a form of autism. How do I bring it up to my sister in law and brother in law?
Thank you for your inspiring articles, and scrapbook pages.
Kendra

i see you got a lot of response. can you not bring him to the table until the food is being served. Then you can give him his special snacks and save the toys and other treats for when people are finishing up.

Ali:
I think you are amazing. Any restaurant experience with children is challenging, but for a young boy with autism it is especially challenging. The overstimulation was probably it for him, so there really isn't much you can do except to help him find ways to deal with it and bring down his anxiety. He had his food and the things he likes. . . it's like with any child in some ways. We find ways to deal with new situations and help them learn how to cope. Again, you do all the right things. I'd love for your Simon to be in my school.
Adele

Hi Ali. We have a 4yo son with PDD/NOS/ASD (alphabet soup!) and I hope it helps to know that you are definitely not alone. I probably can't add anything terribly different than what's been written here already (but maybe it helps just to be another voice that "gets it!"). I think it's better in the long run (especially if Simon is high-functioning) to try to incorporate "real events" into his life as much as possible, using all the guidelines and tips you can get from his special ed teachers.
We opt to take Sam to family-friendly restaurants, being careful to avoid places that are really loud/busy due to sensory overload. Diners work well, too, because you can pack up your food to go and leave if necessary. We use transitional language and set expectations: "we're going to eat and you have to stay in the booth while mom & dad are still eating and then you can have ice cream and THEN you can get up." Dessert is the reward which is often served while we're still eating. Like some of the other moms who wrote here, I take a small backpack everywhere we go that is full of coloring books, stickers, crayons, magna-doodle, current obsession of the moment (right now, it's small plastic Narnia characters from McD's), and a few other small, cheap goodies that stay in the backpack for this reason. We also try to eat before the big dinner rush, especially since dinner time is max-out/breakdown time for most toddlers/preschoolers, not just our little guy! And we try to use positive reinforcement but hey, we're human and have been known to roll out the dire threats, too. And sometimes, we just trade off and one of us walks around with him while the other eats. I think the trick is to be flexible and ride the moment (like so much in life!)
Your big question at the end is the one we ask ourselves the most. Are we making too many adjustments because he's "special?" I hate that we don't know and probably won't until he's older and hey, too late, then! But we read alot and we ask for advice from his teachers (phenomenal resource) and use their tricks. So we say things like "that's not a good choice" while really feeling "knock that off or you're in big trouble, kiddo!" and verbally reward him for accomplishments we might otherwise think are pretty ordinary ("GREAT job sitting down!" And we give time outs and reprimands, too. Sam happens to get very upset if he thinks he's disappointed us, so for the moment, we take advantage of that. And we hope for the best. We figure at the end of the day, we know him best and we know what he can handle and we love him and are doing the best we can. And that's what's going to help him do the best HE can.
You and Chris sound like you are doing a great job. One of Sam's teachers told us recently that the parents who ask these questions and question their abilities and "strategies" are the ones who are doing the most good, so take some comfort - OK, take a LOT of comfort - in that.
And hang in there! When we took Sam to a kids' museum for the first time, we had to pull him kicking and screaming from a water feature like one in your photo because he wanted to get in it and swim...

Hi, Ali! By the way, this is my first post, too! I have a son who is 3 now and just recently diagnosed as mildly autistic. Restaurants are a challenge for us lately as well. I think it's the noise & unfamiliar faces that kind of freak him out (sensory integration issues). But, we've found a couple of things that work at keeping him occupied for short periods of time, both of which were mentioned previously. We pack snacks that he really enjoys but that he doesn't get to eat very often; we bring a new toy, or something that he hasn't played with in a while, so it seems like a new toy. We also try not to make going out to a restaurant a long, played-out ordeal, i.e. no dessert. I don't know how long this will work, but it's working for now. I think it's important to continue to do what you normally do, like going out to eat. My feeling is that you are getting your son acclimated to your "normal" routine. It won't always be like this (at least that's what everybody tells me!!!) Good luck w/whatever decision you make!

Aw, you poor thing. Being a parent is such a tough job, isn't it? Don't be too hard on yourself. Not a single one of us does it all right, all the time. You care and you try. And THAT is what makes a great parent!

Ali,
there are so many great ideas here already. I can just add emphasis to the ones that worked for us. My daughter with Autism (HFA) is now 10 and does great. Little ones have busy bodies, there is no getting away from that, you do want to be sure you have a certain amount of structure and rules about what happens in a restaurant but also know that when a kiddo is done, autistic or not, they are just done. What is important here is thinking about "learning how" to eat out - it is a skill like reading, building a block tower or tying shoes. You have to practice. This means going out as a family. Try to think about how you want these to go and work your way to that goal.
My goal was for my daughter to sit at the table, eat her food and we would all enjoy a converstaion over dinner. It took a couple of years to get there, but we made it!! Break it up into the various skills he needs in order to be successful, think about the difference aspects of the evening as a multistep process to get through. This also helps YOU to see his progress.
Yes, you have to make accomodations, but that is true of all children. Play to Simon's strengths - structure and predictability were key for my daughter, maybe these will work well for Simon also. The rules were very similar for meal time whether we were at home, someone else's house or a restaurant.
1. waiting to be seated - good time for walking around, exploring the area, outside, keep him on his feet. Imagine that he only has 15 minutes of "sitting" ability in his body, don't waste it!
2. Getting seated at the table - my daughter has a rough time organizing her body. we have seen this in the classroom when the teacher would say, "everyone come sit on the carpet together" Elizabeth would be the last one to sit down because she did not know the "right" place to go. decide in advance who Simon will sit beside. If you are getting into a booth, talk about who gets in first, second, third, etc.
3. deciding and ordering - this is short period, hopefully!
4. waiting for the food - if possible, chat a little. talk about what you can see and smell. choose an activity for this time that is easy to stop in the middle and is quick and easy to put away. if possible, do not let him eat -- again, he will only eat so much. You want to be careful that he does not get full too soon or he will be done much earlier than everyone else. Also, having him wait until everyone else gets their food teaches good manners. We have this same rule at home -- we eat dinner together. period. (ok - there are exceptions, but who ever is in the house when dinner is ready eats together)
5. Food arrives, time to eat -- now he can eat his food. it does not matter if it is from the restaurant or something you bring. At home, when the kids are done, they have to ask to be excused. In a restuarant, they had to eat until we felt they were done and no toys are allowed. We don't allow toys at the table at home either so this is an easy rule to follow when we are out. Try to follow this one when going to fast food and a toy comes with the kids meal -- here again the rule is they have to finish eating before they can open the toy. Also - practice having conversations during this time. Ask about his food, his school, his friends, anything. This will slow down his eating, too and by you a few minutes to finish yours. Start with 1-2 questions.
6. He is done, you are not -- this is when it gets tricky. My goal for this time was for her to entertain herself until we finished eating. This is the time to bring out special toys. We had a bag that carried these and I tried to keep some fresh new things in there. ideas include magnadoodles -- my kids loved erasing the drawings! -- and paper for drawing. If you can do something different it makes it more interesting. For examples, lots of little ones use crayons at home and school, so bring colored pencils to the restaurant. I had one of those little handheld sharpeners (that captures the shavings) and sometimes that was a big hit -- my daughter would just sharpen the pencils for 10 minutes! (I did not bring markers, I think they are too easy to make messes) I have seen placemats with "road scenes" which could be fun for table play. Another item that I never allowed at home, but was immensely fun on airplanes was "paint with water" book. Have you seen these? They come with a paintbrush and there is color on the page. The child uses a damp brush to release the colors. Use just 1/2 an inch of water in a small glass. This is also another converstaion starter -- LOOK what you did, what color is that, what is in that picture, etc...
7. you are finished and waiting for the bill -- let him know that clean up time is coming (you have 3 minutes left). If he is *done* sitting, he can stand up or go for a walk with someone else who has finished eating.
The sticker idea above is a good one - consistent positive reinforcement is key. when you "catch" him being good give him a word of praise, a smile or a sticker for a reward. For little ones, earning the sticker is sometimes reward enough. If he is acting up, tell him there will be a reward if he earns 5 stickers (or whatever appropriate number).
Personally, I would not have used a DVD player because it would not contribute to my dining out goal. I can see using it at another time, a wedding for example, since the child really is expected to sit quietly and do nothing.
This was really long - sorry. There is a tough road ahead so set goals big and small, celebrate success in every form.
Kind Regards,
Jen

Ali, I have been a big fan of yours but was not aware your kids are on a gluten-free diet. I am on one also,and it is tough. If you are ever in the Denver, CO area, let me take you and yours out to dinner at a kid-friendly gluten-free restaurant that just opened here a few months ago!
Michele

Ali - the book Dawn mentioned - "Aspergers, the Universe & Everything" is written by Kenneth Hall. It was written when he was 10 years old & he lives in the UK (so there are some fun Britishism in there). The book is published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers (who publish a lot of books about autism) It is a wonderful book about how a child on the spectrum percieves the world around us. I think that you will find it fascinating!

Ali, those pictures are awesome! I can't wait to see how you scrap them!
And on the eating out thing...that's a toughie, my Draven is only 15mos, so we're still able to keep him somewhat entertained, but I love some of the ideas that the ladies above have come up with. You will definitely have to let us know which ideas work for you! I know I'll be keeping some in the back of my mind for future use! :-)

Ali, Taking a kid like Simon (or Benjamin) out is rough, even when they get older. One of my best pieces of advice is to find a place you typically do well at manipulating, then make it a favorite. This means you know the escapes and bargaining tools. It means that the people who work there begin to know you and can help you. I'm talking long term here. In the end what Simon will learn is proper (well age appropriate) behavior while eating out in a fairly friendly environment.
Wednesday night for us is Skyline chili night. We've had dinner there nearly every Wednesday for 5.5 YEARS. They know so much about us, our drinks are always waiting at "our" table. Benjamin has progressed to sitting at the bar up front alone. When he is done eating he works around the store (sweeping floors) for quarters for the vending machine or mints. The waiters and waitresses are great about helping him learn his boundaries, because it wasn't always as great as it is now.
There are also times when it's not so great. Remember what happens in daily life gets in all our hair... Just make sure the place is fairly low key - no fine dining thank you - kid friendly (Wednesday is Kids Eat Free Night at Skyline here), and most important, that they offer something Simon can eat!
Best of luck!

The portable dvd player someone above mentioned is a great idea if there is a particular video that seems to mesmerize them and keep them quiet. I also think that it is important to work on dinner behavior at home. It builds a consistency of expectation. If kids are trained to remain seated and quiet at home during dinner then they aren't caught offguard when out of the home. It also prepares small children for when they go to school and eat lunch in that environment.

Hi Ali,
We "play" restraunt at home once a week to give our children an idea of what to expect. We get out the napkins and the appropriate dinnerware eg chopsticks for chineses food etc. My children are 10, 7 and 4, no autism just active kids. They love this game, they talk about what they should do when eating out, the older two are great when we eat out now, but the 4 year old still does some of the things you described Simon doing. I am sure they will outgrow some of these behaviours given the right examples to follow, and for any of Simons special needs, just use strategies that you are comfortable with. We all have to learn how to eat out. It sounds to me like you are doing a great job parenting, just trust your instincts.
Cheers
Joc

Als,
first of all you are a rockin parent! Your love for Simon is so apparent, in your work and on your blog. I am lucky, I know you personally and know this to be true.
You are not alone! I have 4 teenagers none with disabilities (that have been diagnosed) LOL they have been going out to eat their whole lives and still can missbehave! So be gentle on yourself! You are doing a GREAT job! You are new at this! Simon is new at it too! Every time you go out try something new...don't give up!
Love you girl!
Love
kiss kiss
m

wow you have probably had heaps of good ideas by now but here is what we do..
We eat early
We take Alec's food with us or see if they have anything suitable before we go
We take some train track from his take along thomas and a few trains
Right now he loves our local chinese restaurant, after he has eaten he will get down and put his track on the floor and play or he wanders around and talks to people, we go to smaller palces to eat as large spaces over stimulate him and he ends up shrieking.
We also tell Alec when he gets up in the morning and prepare him, he doesn't do well when you spring things on him and if he knows he will talk about it during the day and get excited about going.
In the next few weeks we will try an Indian restraurant, while Alec wont eat he does love to take part in the ritual.
I am all for giving latittude, I know with Alec he just doesn't understand the social requirements for going out, I will direct him away from doing things that would ever damage him or property, I always have to remind myself that I just can't say "Alec get down" it has to be "Alec get down from the chair you might fall and hurt yourself and it isn't our chair and you may damage it" I will say it 10 times but it is an action and as everything for him is a learned behaviour unlike Riley who you can say "Sit down!" to he does it because mum says don't. Since we now know why he does things I have actually become more relaxed, he will do strange things, he stares at walls and always has a Thomas the tank engine tucked under his arm but he is teaching me so much.

I have three young kids including 3 year old twins so we came up with an idea that works for us a few years ago (when the now 6 year old was young). I bought little backpacks at Walmart (think maybe 8x10 in size) and filled them with fun stuff - mini notebooks, crayons, stickers, matchbox cars, necklaces (for my daughter), plastic animals, just fun little stuff, etc. These backpacks are kept in the car and NEVER are allowed in our house - they are ONLY to use when we go out to eat (so they are always like new toys to them). Not sure if that would help you but I thought I'd pass it on. We have similar bags for church since....we have the same problems there!! LOL :) Oh my - some day I'll miss this stuff, right???!!! :)
We also do TONS of take out - MUCH less stressful on everyone!! LOL :)
Good luck.

My friend, Barb, has an autistic brother. I remember his parents bringing him to EVERYTHING when she was younger, though he made noises throughout. She loves him incredibly (he's her BROTHER), but there were a few times I think she'd have preferred he stay with a sitter for the EVENT, and then just join the family at home for the AFTERPARTY (her graduation day comes to mind...she truly wanted a day where all the focus was on her). Often, we took him with us on our high school jaunts, if we were just going to fast food or something...or we let him wander the mall with us. Those seemed to be easier times to hang out with Johnny.
Incidentally, he was specifically invited to my wedding, and everytime I heard him during the reception I SMILED to know that I was surrounded with ALL of the people I care about.
I agree with the person who responded, above. It depends on the event. If it was GRANDMA's birthday, why not ask her what she prefers; dinner out while Simon stays with a sitter, then a return home to cake and ice cream with Simon and the WHOLE family, or just picking up Olive Garden or Applebee's to go and doing the whole celebration at home?
And keep this in mind...most people with four year olds who don't have any special needs, STILL have trouble with kids sitting still in restaurants. Maybe it's not the autism...maybe it's just his age?

Ali, you are such an awesome mama! I love your post about Simon, you can really feel how much you love him! Wonderful. Up until about two years ago, my son is now 8, we really couldn't take him to restaurants. We knew learning how to behave in a situation, like a restuarant, would come in time. We choose to just take baby steps with him, we just would try every once in a while, enjoying every moment! Praying for you and your family, God Bless!

We try to eat at 'kid friendly' places mostly. Loud and busy places seem to work best. I always have a purse full of little toys for him to play with. Saving some for later in the meal for when he's done eating and we aren't. We also seem to make several trips to the bathroom to break it up. I Spy is a fun and quiet game, too. Sometimes he does really well, and sometimes he doesn't. It's hard to go to fancier places now though. There's always more pressure when you are with people who aren't used to kids, but luckily we're mostly with my parents who are used to his antics.
Does he like to watch TV? We have one of those Video Now Jr's and Maddox loves it. We used it a lot last year. They use special discs of all the fav cartoons. Are built a little tougher that dvd players. Only like $40 now. Perfect for those emergencies!

Oh...and we usually let him get up and walk around us if we're in an area that allows it. I remember loving to stand next to my parents.

I just stumbled apon your blog and this entry was there. Having Sean, my autistic son, the best thing you can do it treat them exactly like you would treat other kids. Not exposing them to those kinds of situations can make it harder in the long run. But having fun stuff for them to have is definately a plus! With Sean, we do everything with him that a typical child would do and some of it is really really hard for him, but I have noticed that the more we bring him out, the easier it gets for him. hope this helps!

Ali,
I think this is one of the biggest struggles I have as a parent. Half the time I am sad inside and wish the world would adjust to Ryan (my guy) and the other days I wish and hope and dream that setting "normal" expectations for him socially will somehow help him adjust better. I think it depends on a balance. We are fortunate that Ryan actually likes restaurants (he is not on Gf/cf diet) . Things that helped Ryan adjust to restaurants originally were the 7 million pictures I cart around everywhere and my "bag of tricks" as I call it. Whenever Ryan has a schedule he is calmer (not calm) just calmer. I think the biggest thing with these guys is to respect their sensory needs while engaging them in "normal" activities.
ie small walks, picture schedule (maybe a time timer?)
tons of fidget toys (Target has a great selection in their toy aisle (light up, squishy, etc) and then sometimes we have a move and sit cushion (you can get these at a exercise store or a weighted blanket or animal for him (to ground him))
The most important thing Jon and I believe is that as a family we made a commitment to not stop living as we did because of the Autism HOWEVER we recognize that he has needs and try to adjust accordingly within those situations. If it is too much in one particular situation (and that happens alot) then thats when we change our plans (or practice):
a.take him there during lunch (if open) when it's less busy
b.go again and you might be surprised
c.before going to a rest. for the first time sometimes I've been known to go early and let him explore alittle
d. write up a social story about what we are doing, where we are going, why, who, when, etc.that you can refer to discreetly in the restaurant
Hope this helps some, Know that you are NOT alone....
PS. Wish I could download a pic to comments..he he
I have the EXACT some pic of Ryan at the childrens museum (in the water of course) in Providence!
What is it about them and water????

We struggle with this too, and alex does not have special needs. He's just 3 1/2 and i think they are all like that. It's been hard during the holidays with lots of guests and people wanting to go out to eat. We will decline any slow restaurants...and for buffets and faster serving places... we'll pack his little backpack full of activities and try to keep him occupied.. but it only lasts so long ya know? And it's just never relaxing or very fun for anyone i think. Simon is normal! Let's just hope they all grow out of it soon! :)

just in any situation there isn't a right and wrong, not trying is limiting your childs possiblity for growth and what our world forces on them as "normalcy" Forcing something when its not working leads to angry frustration. You must walk a tight rope line of adventure and familurity. Just like in adulthood, their might be something we should go to but we aren't feeling well so we have to weigh the importance.
Best of Luck