Quieting Children's Fears.

I am a school principal of a large Pre-K center and we deal with this each year. I am also a mom of a child who just entered first grade.
From the school-it is so important that you validate their feelings but also be very aware of what you physically do and demonstrate on your face. The children who are most successful have parents who say things like "I believe in you! You can do it! i will see you right after lunch (or nap, something they can grasp other than a time), the parents drop off smoothly (quickly) and don't linger. All children thrive on routine and once we get past that beginning hump, the kids get into routine and feel proud of their new found grown-up ness.
As a parent, getting to bed, as you mentioned is huge. Have you notced that by Thursday and Friday Simon is a bit harder to manage in the pm? That is because school is exhausting mentally and physically. Even if they get to bed on time (7:30-8:00) they will still be pooped as the week progresses. Listening to fears and sharing your memories of school are best done at night just before bed. The morning is all about routine and repeating those can-do-it messages "You are such a big boy!"

Hi Ali-I often tell my girls that I was afraid too when I was a little girl. That I know how they feel, and I understand. I think dismissing their feelings (something most busy parents do but I'm sure you DO NOT do) does not validate them, somehow taking away their trust in us. I ask them how I can help. Would you like me to walk with you? wait for you? Hold your hand? and ususally they work it out after a few times of me honoring their request. I also lay on the bed and tell them made up stories about being afraid and how to work it out...then we can talk about it...and I don't always make the stories about that, I tell them silly ones, and stories about their family members, then slip the others in...and driving in the car is the best time to get things out of them.
Good Luck, and God Bless you.

Lots of prayer. Lots. And making sure Noah knows that God is in control, not me. Not daddy. God is in control of his life and our lives and is always there to listen to your fears, your hopes, your prayers...24/7, no matter where you are or what you are doing. It's comforting to me as a mommy to know that Noah knows God is there for him and is stronger than I can ever be. :)
Jennifer

I have 3 small children (and 2 step-children, ages 15 3/4 and 19). But my biggest challenge is quieting the fears of my friend... a 65 yo blessed soul with a developmental disability. She has lived with us now for more than 9 years (prior to the births of our 3 children). She struggles with change, especially when it significantly impacts her routine. Today it's the job situation... they haven't laid her off, but have had to assign her to per diem duty due to a lack of actual work. (She happens to work for an agency that is very supportive of their disabled employee... so this is truly nothing more than a lack of work, or budget to reassign). Having been there and done that in the past (laid off, permanently released, etc.)... she fears what she believes to be the inevitable. It's a bit more than overwhelming (for her) and requires a huge amount of empathy and compassion from me. Just to listen, to understand... to put myself in her shoes and wonder how it would feel if I really truly believe someone was pulling the rug out from under me. It's then that I would wish for someone to tell me that everything was going to be okay (until I believed it). I just spent some time working through some frustration and a sense of helplessness with my friend. One of the things I reminded her of was my commitment to her... that she could count on me, always. Especially when she is feeling a bit insecure and unstable. I asked her to have faith in me and our friendship, to really believe me when I say her job is still hers. She could give the pain up to me, because she trusts me. And then I put some control back in her lap by talking to her about choices... would she let this situation be the barrier that prevents her from enjoying the many other things she enjoys doing here at home or in the community. She chose happiness :)

All these comments are good. During those times I also try to speak to myself and remind myself that what my child is going through is part of growing and forming his/her character. There can sometimes be "guilt" associated with things our children are afraid of if we think we can prevent it. We always want the best for our kids and don't want them to experience any pain or bad feelings. But everyone does and it's the working through those things that make us who we are. It's having a mom or dad who, during that time, shows them how strong they really can be---often in little steps, just like you've done with Simon. Overcoming fears builds great confidence in a child, and so while I am feeling sad in their sadness (often crying myself), I try to remember that this moment in time is when it's so critical to respond with compassion and just be there. I love that you mentioned just holding Simon. That's so often exactly what they need---that comfort and help every step of the way and letting go in little doses. I try to remember that it's hard being a kid and although my children need my instruction, they perhaps even more need my compassion.
I also like the picture--- I may have hesitated to take one in those sadder times. But it's beautiful and lets you tell your story and his story. It sure would go well on a page RIGHT next to a little boy with a giant smile, getting on the bus and waving with confidence to his Dad. That's a great story. =)

I am sooooooo unbelievably happy that you posted about this today. My 6 yr old daughter, Gabriella, is having a VERY rough time getting on the bus each morning. Like Simon, she's in 1st grade, and its a full day of school now (Kindergarten was 1/2 day), so that's very different for her. Her BF that was in her class & on her drop off bus is not at her school this year. And she's SUPER shy! She'll be having tonsils out on Sept 29th & we really think that she's not getting on the bus b/c she's not rested. And that she's not rested b/c her tonsils are too big & she is possibly having sleep apnea b/c she'll sleep between 11-12 hours & not be rested in the morning. This is her 2nd week of school & only today has it gotten better. I am just praying that the surgery helps her breathe better so her sleep is better so she gets on the bus better. I've tried so many things. I've gone over each morning in my head to try to find the 'real' reason she doesn't want to get on the bus. Both my DH & I have talked with her to try to get her to tell us what she's thinking/feeling. We've done the feelings, reasoning, praying, etc And now I've pretty much stopped talking about it with her. Not given up by any means but just not discussing the whole thing unless she brings it up to see if that helps or not. I guess it can't get worse so we'll see. But it is so nice to hear that I am not the only parent scratching my head about this whole thing. The crazy thing is she has done this for the last 3 years on & off throughout the school year. Through 2 years of preschool & then Kindergarten & I KNOW she likes school. She comes home talking of all the cool things she's learned & done & she tells us she likes it but there is just something about leaving home in the morning that she has trouble with. We even made a new picture book for her to take with her the 1st day (she's got at least 2 now) & some days it helps, others it doesn't.
What do I do to quiet my fears? I pray for peace & comfort from God. And then I do the self talk thing. I've tried to teach these things to Gabby & they sometimes work but other times not. I guess I'm still sleuthing this one out. Is there a Watson to help me on this one???

We had MAJOR issues with our youngest last year in first grade. Getting him out the door to school was a nightmare each morning and he overall was just so anxious about school.
Since you mentioned the "waking up" issue, I wanted to share that we began waking him up a half hour earlier than we had been - and it made a huge difference in how the morning went. He had a lot more time to just "be" in the mornings - and more time to really wake up! Just a thought.

I have personal fears to deal with... They concern the chronic illness of my oldest child (he suffers from Epidermolysis Bullosa). I'm afraid he'll die and since he's not doing well right now I just can't stop thinking about that. It keeps me occupied the WHOLE day (and night, I might add). What works for me is sitting on a comfortable chair, w/some coffee, a nice pillow etc. I make myself comfortable. And then I allow myself to worry for 30 minutes. I go over every fear that concerns me, I pay attention to everything that's in my head and the things that prevent me from going forward. Believe me, 30 minutes is a LOT. And after that half hour, I close the worrying-book and go on. It really helps. And when I notice during the day, that I start worrying again I say firmly to myself: "No, not right now. Tomorrow there is a new page in the worrying-book".
Hope this helps a bit for you. I find lots of inspiration here.
Hugs - Liesbeth

Sweet Ali~
I read your posts often and I am in awe of the strength you have as a parent. I love the way you reflect on your ever-changing role as a parent.
I am a retired 30 year teacher- most of my years were in Kindergarten. The thing I loved the most about your post was the way you are so very consistent with Simon each day. You are giving him a strong message of "You can do this!" You never give in and let him stay home, within reason, of course. This builds such security in children!It is true that all children will try us on and off (they are supposed to! I always say, "That's their job!" :))and just as one routine works, we need to come up with another. You are doing a great job in moving your son forward each day. What a message of FAITH you are giving him!
The Kissing Hand was one of my favorites and I always read it on the first day of school. My 3 daughters (2 now in college!) still speak of it! Any of these little family "cues" are so good and keep that thread of family going, even as the children move away.
Your tone of voice is wonderful with Simon, too. I can tell by your writing that you are confident and you keep reassuring him that all will be ok. Whenever I felt like a challenge with my children was too hard for me on a particular day I would ask my dear husband to do it. I called it "strength-based parenting" and it kept us on level ground. We tried-hopefully-to keep any issues I was having away from our girls! They do pick up on our tone of voice or any anxieties we may be feeling on that day.
This Too Shall Pass always keeps me grounded! And it will, dear...stay the course!
Love to you and Chris and Simon and Bless You for the good work that you do for ALL of us!xxx, S

I also have a high functioning autistic boy (he’s now 14) who is very similar to Simon. He went through a similar school thing in the beginning. Kindergarten is a lot of “sit on your square”, ”now stand in line”, “eyes on me” – loss of freedom, control. I have found the best way to deal with him when he’s starting to have a meltdown is just to articulate and acknowledge what is bothering him: “you’re not liking sitting still all day?” “you miss doing your own thing?” Then remind him that he can do those things after school when he’s home.
Another thing is that there are a lot of verbal and visual stimuli in school. My son would need time to process this. By the time he would get home he wouldn’t want anything structured or restrictive. He found vestibular (spinning) motion soothing so after school he would swing around and around on his Little Tykes Disc swing to decompress.
The last issue I can think is conceptualization of time. We adults can anticipate the arc of the day, week, year. For kids school is this new restrictive thing that just goes on and on and on. I would show and talk to him about his calendar.
Break his week down for him day by day. It gives them something to look forward to.
Hope this helps!
Liz

You are a fantastic scrapbooker. Do you have any pictures of yourself at that age? Back to School stories of your own you could share? What were your fears? Share some of those pictures and stories with your child. Let him know you were a little scared of certain things too and how you resolved them. Make a list of the fun AND scary things in his day. Take pictures of those things or have him draw pictures. Make an interactive scrapbook where he is able to make check marks or put on stars every day he is able to ride a bus with no tears, or wake up on time. Both of you can feel proud of his daily successes.

I have found that since she was a newborn, singing "Jesus Loves Me" calms her immediately. Recently, Addie (now six months) was taken to the hospital (she had screamed, gone limp and clammy, and lost all of her color), and during all of the blood drawing (Addie is very "meaty" so they couldn't find a vein) I began singing "Jesus Loves Me" and she calmed down- with a little whimpering. The nurses and doctors were amazed at her sudden calmness, and one of them said, "Wouldn't it be funny if that was the first thing she said?"

i read your blog - and mostly lurk. but i wanted to come out and comment today.
i haven't read all of the comments - so forgive me if this is a duplicate thought.
my son suffers from what i believe to be social anxiety. he doesn't like large crowds, stores, restaurants, Wal-Mart on a busy day... public restrooms.
one of the first things i was told to do was ACKNOWLEDGE the fear and treat it as if it were legit... justified. because to your child... the fear is very real.
I've also picked up a copy of "The Highly Sensitive Child" i'm hoping this is all just a phase for my 3yr old, and that i won't have to start considering specialists.

We always talk through their fears. We make sure they understand that their fear is normal and conquering their fear is what growing up is all about. And we learn from that process. Reassuring them that no matter what, they have our support and love.

I too am "sappy" and share similar experiences with you all! My daughter turned 11 today, and woke up crying because she doesn't want to be 11, she wants to stay a little girl. I giggled about "The Kissing Hand" because when I tried that years ago, she cried and said it made her miss me more. She is so tender-hearted that in 2nd grade she'd cry late in the day -- the teacher finally figured out it was always when rehearsing for the Christmas play. Turned out the song Frosty the Snowman was too sad for her too. She has a few friends but loves to play alone with her wonderful imagination. We had bus issues too. I guess we all picture some type of perfect balance that trully doesn't exist, even though we strive to create it. But we all accept our kids as they are - and when they know that, our kids have what they need in their hearts. God will help each of them find their way - it is not always the road we picture them on though. Sometimes I look at kids my daughter's age who are way more outgoing and social and think that means they are happier. Yet for my child, she's happy the way things are. Or sometimes I have to remind myself that being shy isn't the same as a total lack of confidence. So many of our kids aren't completely confident, but they do have some confidence! I worry with the rest of you and am thankful we can share our experiences together, the bond helps!

This was a very interesting post for me to read as my son has been having EXACTLY the same reactions (almost to the letter). Its good to know that kids have similarities the world over (we are on the other side of the Atlantic in Ireland!). With my almost 4 year old son the reason is simple insecurity (if such things can ever be simple!) - I am his touchstone and he feels a bit 'at sea' when I'm not around. He knows that I am the one who "gets him" most and he feels that I always know the right thing to do - especially when he doesn't. What has worked for us is talking him through his day in as much detail as possible, so that there are fewer surprises, trying to show him that he is capable and can cope by giving him examples of when he has in the past, letting him know his teacher has my cell phone number and he can call me any time he wants and (of course) setting up treats and fun stuff to celebrate a great week of school!

Ali- I am had to put my crying son on the bus yesterday. It was tough. He likes the Kissing Hand book, I need to check it out.
I like music as well. Justin Roberts has a great song about starting school on his CD Pop Fly. We listened to this song a lot this summer. I also listened to this song on the first day of school to quiet my fears.
I find talking, hugging and music to help. It helps if I can share that I felt the same way. I think it is a neat idea to do a page about your fears as a child.
Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your posts. Simon is blessed to have you and Chris. Take Care, Jessica S

Ali- I am had to put my crying son on the bus yesterday. It was tough. He likes the Kissing Hand book, I need to check it out.
I like music as well. Justin Roberts has a great song about starting school on his CD Pop Fly. We listened to this song a lot this summer. I also listened to this song on the first day of school to quiet my fears.
I find talking, hugging and music to help. It helps if I can share that I felt the same way. I think it is a neat idea to do a page about your fears as a child.
Thanks for sharing. I can relate to your posts. Simon is blessed to have you and Chris. Take Care, Jessica S

Talking about it...trying to get to the heart of the matter so that you know as much as you can. Then talk logically with them...sometimes they are worried about something that is never going to happen...or is extremely unlikely.
I teach my children to pray and ask for God's peace about their fears. Letting them know that God is always right there with them....I can't be with them every step, all the time...but God can and will.
Asking God to help me find peace...and asking Him to nudge me in the right direction when I need to make a change.
As a child, I worried over this..couldn't sleep because of that...finally when I was a teenager, my mom taught me that I should pray over it and leave it alone. I don't think we can teach our children that lesson too early.

Our son, now 14, is fantastic proof that things do eventually get easier! He is dyslexic (which was not diagnosed until quite late in the day) and he has always had a difficult time taking on board everything that COULD happen in a day, and worries about EVERYTHING..."What happens if I'm late to school?" (He's never been late.) "What if I get something on my test wrong?" ("It's not a big deal, we know you always try your best!") "What if my pen runs out of ink?" ("That's okay, you have two others in your bag!") And on it goes. He used to get so caught up in what could go wrong, he was just paralyzed with angst and uncertainty.
We just say to take ONE DAY AT A TIME....that's all any of us can do, isn't it? Just get through THIS day, don't worry about what might happen tomorrow. The beauty of it is, now that he is older, HE IS THE ONE TELLING HIMSELF how to get through the day. He can deal with things. He still worries about running out of ink, but now can say to himself, "I've got two more pens in my bag". He knows that things will be okay. Life is okay. In fact, life can be great.
And that little boy, who was so completely lacking in confidence, was last year's proud winner of his school history prize AND short story competition. Despite his dyslexia. It just goes to show what constant love and encouragement can do.

Hi Ali!
I read daily, but don't comment often. As a parent and an autism consultant...predictability and extra sleep will go a long way. School is just plain hard for our kiddos, but Simon has done an awesome job in the past and will again. Maybe he had too much fun this summer :) He also has a lot going on in his life right now: school, new baby, etc. Also, to get to the root of his fears I would try drawing. Comic strip conversations are great. You draw Simon and you or Chris and him getting on the bus and then in your bubble you put what you are thinking, "Simon is such a big boy and he's going to school to have fun..." Then you draw a bubble above Simon and say, "What are you thinking when you get on the bus?" or "What does Simon say?" It really works well with perspective taking and may calm his fears or be able to identify them more freely. Good Luck and I hope Simon has a wonderful school year!
Lisa

I have just started to read a book called "Sleep Talk" by Joane Goulding. It is about giving children positive affirmations while they sleep so they can be accepted by the sub-conscious which influences their thinking and behaviour during the day. It is very thought provoking and the affirmations are beautiful. Will be giving it a go!

I smiled about the white cat on the step.
Alec would want to take the white cat with him and at times we have let him (not the white cat, that would be Simon's). Usually he just needs to take his objects in the car so when school is over it is there for him to pick up and hold. Sometimes he needs to take it in with him and it goes in the guise of 'news', it sits on the news table but he can go and touch it if he needs to.

My son is typical and is an only. He's always been independent, so when he went to preschool, he didn't even want me to come to his room. I had to explain it was for me, not him. But as he got older, I found he did have fears, and his biggest school fear was fear of risk and/or failure. He is a perfectionist. For that reason, sometimes he wouldn't even try. Luckily we've had a couple of teachers who have been able to help him, and his dad and I try to show him that if he tries, he might get things right. He might not, but he learns something to help him the next time. And we've always reinforced that if he's really challenged with something, we'll always be happy with a try, whether or not he succeeds. As he's gotten older (now 14), it's gotten easier, but I have to say, that fear of failure haunted us from Kindergarden until 8th grade (at times). Just remind yourself that whatever that fear is, it WILL pass in time. Help your child and comfort them as best you can, and they will eventually figure it out or work through it.
Today's post was great - thank you for writing it. Although scrapbooking brought me to your blog, it's the perspective you provide on so many things that keeps me coming back again and again.

over the years my five children have come to trust that i would never take them somewhere and leave them for any length of time: school, camp, grandma's, sports, dance, etc unless i had faith that they wouyld be safe. given that today is 9/11 i am reminded of how i promised my young children that as i dropped them off to school. while they were shielded from what was on tv they knew something bad had happened because their high school aged sister was upset, i was upset and their car-pool buddy DID watch tv that morning. i told them that i would not bring them to school if i didn't believ that they would be just as safe there as they were at home. honestly, i thought the worlkd was coming to an end but i wanted to have my children distracted rather than cower in fear...i know, i am probably the only mom in amaerica who thought like that.
oh well.
today i deal with my youngest child's developmental disabilities and sensory processing dysfunctions which means his fears sometimes. the biggest way to handle them with him is offer consistency as much as i can in a household of 8 people. every night before he goes to bed he asks me what kind of day is tomorrow (school day, church day, play day) and i tell him. when he gets up in the morning he confirms with me what kind of day it is because it "could" change. knowing what kind of day it is seems to set the tone for him as he knows at least what kind of clothes he will wear and how fast or slow we must move in the morning. he craves predictability which is virtually impossible when he is one of 8 people in our family. i think to some degree he knows that so he expects me to share at least this predictability with him everyday.