Quieting Children's Fears.

It was most recently described to me this way: It is a lot like horse jumping ... you prepare yourself for the first jump and when it is over you have some time for calming/settling and then preparation for the next jump. At times there is a series of jumps that need to be crossed but between each hurdle you need to take a second to relax, settle yourself, and prepare for the next.
Great way of approaching it ... I think.

And quieting their fears doesn't end....even as freshmen in college! I quieted my college freshman's fears the same way...by telling her to take a deep breath and know that it'll all get better once she's adjusted to her new "routine". I say the same thing to myself each night...to quiet my own fears about my "baby" being so far away at school!

There is a gentle push or a giant shove - both mean the same thing to my daughter.
The best way to allay her fears is for me to tell her Im scared too and that we can be scared together and at the end of every scare or fright is a little giggle just bursting to get out.
So she thinks that being this way means that there is a giggle trying to wiggle its way out and that why sometimes it feels funny in our heart and chest.
It always makes her smile and sometime we both free that giggle with a fit of laughter.

I usually tell them it's going to be alright whatever it is that they are fearing. That no matter what it is, that it will be ok soon than they think. But mostly we are learing how to "accept" the things we are afraid of as part of life, that it's alright to be "uncertain" that we can welcome it actually and trust that with every little step the way will be come a little clearer, a little more comfortable.
We all do love our comfort zones now don't we?

Wow - Brody is so there. I just find with his autism, the change will take him a few weeks to get excited about. We have had many heart wrenching struggles with the onset of grade 2 this year and it kills me slowly inside. His bus ride is longer this year and he has to sit beside someone now, so that is just part of all the changes. We do lots of picture prep, now that Brody is talking more we talk about the fears, but sometimes it is very difficult to find out the real reasons behind the fear. Lots of hugs, kisses and excitement about things he will do at schoold and when he gets home. I worry myself about it all day and then when he comes home and has a good day!!! we make a huge deal about it. When he has a bad day (the 1st week has been tough) - we talk about what he didn't like. Yesterday he went to school in his pajama's (interesting for him - but he was very happy - changed part way thru the day - and his teacher said it was the best day yet!!! Silly little man - lots and lots of hugs & kisses.
Nicky

Hi Ali,
What a timely post. I spoke with the principal of our son's small school about an 8th grade math class that isn't as challenging as he expected. The principal was great and the teacher will talk with our son.
For us, especially at our son's age, it's deciding on the best plan of action and carrying it out, regardless of how uncomfortable/awkward it may be.
However, the realization that quieting our children's fears is a life long pursuit is something both fulfilling and daunting.
Wendy

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His biggest fear is sleeping alone (afraid of the dark)--Do you have any good tips on overcoming that fear?
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Just a thought on this - we use "Monster Spray" - fill a plain spray bottle with water and decorate the outside with a label and stickers. Each night before bed, we let her spray the bottle wherever she wishes. That way she feels in control of what's in her room.
She told me a week before school started that she was scared. It was all unknown to her. So we talked about how being afraid is OK and how mommy was too when I first started school. I then went on to explain all the good things about school - a nice teacher, seeing her friends and learning new things. We've also used the Kissing Hand book - love it!
As a parent, I try my best to hide my fears from her. I grew up in a household where my mom made me very nervous and scared about alot of things because *she* was. I think half the battle is fighting those demons within us.
Love your blog Ali! Thanks for sharing your life.

i like to talk to the littles while we do something they enjoy. if we are playing catch, for example, and not in the moment of fear it is easier to build them up so they are prepared when it hits. and my kids' anxiety can always be quelled with a good book :)

My son is 17 now, and he has always been an anxious person. The best thing you can do is be there for him, encourage him to verbalize, draw his fears and then listen. Some times talking too much about a certain fear increases their anxiety toward it. You have to get a feel for what he is needing from you. Mostly they just need you to be there. Heidi

my son is older (18), but he still has his moments when he calls me up all in a panic and talks so fast I can't understand him. mostly I ask him questions and try to get to the real issue and then ask him what some options would be for rectifying it. he was really scared after graduation. not sure what to do now that this big old world is all open up and ready for him. ready for him to do what? he said. I love being witness to all their fears, challenges and growing pains. it makes life SO interesting! lol!

I usually try to put the power back into their hands. If they are worried about an ache or pain that I know will get better, I say, "it's a good thing you are a fast healer!" If they are facing a big test, I review test-taking strategies with them and then end with, "if you do these things, and then just relax, you'll probably do great on the test." You know it works when you hear them repeating it to themselves next time an ouchie or a test comes up.
When I'm worried or scared, I totally catastrophize things, though, and I really depend on my husband to play mother and help me take my own power back!

First, let me just say that you're an awesome parent, and I can't wait to have kids and put to practice some of the things you and Chris do for Simon.
So, since I don't have kids, I quiet my own fears by taking a deep breath, praying and mustering up enough courage so that I don't turn around and run. ;o). But mostly I just remind myself that I'm even more scared of missing the good that can be found in whatever it is I'm about to face.

I am struggling with this too, although it isn't about school. My daughter has had a hard time getting over her fears after we were in a car accident in June. We let her know that we understand that she is afraid and it's okay to be afraid. We try to help her think of "baby steps" that she can take to get closer to doing the things she is afraid of. We tell her how brave she is and how proud we are of her when she does something she has expressed fear of doing. She has conquered many of her car-related fears and a few others over the summer.
It has been a challenge for me, too, not to project my fears on my kids. A big challenge. But in being brave for them, I have gotten over a few of my own fears.

I came back to 'second' the comments about the book, 'The Kissing Hand'. The book became a favorite of mine & my daughter's. Up until 6th grade, she'd ask for a kissing hand (and I'd receive one in return) before she left for school each morning. An excellent book...so sweet...and one I'll cherish forever. :)

When I counseled elementary age children (especially grades k-3) on their fears, we would often draw or color their fear on paper. And then we would talk about being a superhero to conquer that fear and what that might take. Then the child would draw them or describe them conquering the fear as the superhero (I also had a cape in my office for the young ones to really visualize this portion of "play therapy"). It is good for children to externalize the fear and talk about it and then also talk about conquering it....
Hope this helps! that picture of simon is so dang cute!

This year my 6yo was excited to go back to school... until it was TIME to go back to school.
When she'd get off of the bus she'd say that she had a great day but then she didn't want to go the next day even though we were making sure that she was getting a good 10hrs in bed each night.
The teacher was not thrilled with her behavior in class, although it wasn't bad.
My DD was complaining that there is a lot more writing this year than last year & "no center time" (computers, kitchen, Legos, etc.).
What did I do? Besides a lot of gentle talking and reassuring and encouraging?
I pulled out her calendar. I marked every little thing that's coming up during the month of September. Soccer practice, the nights that daddy works (so that she will know; his schedule fluctuates), the days that she goes to a different school for a special class she's enrolled in, our 4 days at Disney (!!)... everything. This seemed to help her feel a bit more in control and to realize that time is going to pass, things are going to happen, life is going to go on/move/change and that there are things to look forward to beyond the day-to-day grind.
Even adults need that reassurance, right?
(((HUGS))) to you just like the ones you're giving to Simon.
The only thing that stays the same.... is change.
:-)

Our Sam just started Kindergarten this year. He is a very literal kid and wants to discuss every detail of what's coming up..that seems to help him with the fears of the unkown...question after question type of kid. So we always go over things thoroughly w/him...what's going to happen, what to expect, etc. But the most important thing we do w/ him is to remind him that God does not give us a spirit of fear, but of courage and joy/peace/calm. That God is his superhero and will be with him where ever he is during his day, even when mom and dad aren't there! There are a ton of great scriptures on courage and bravery. Another Biblical comparison worked for a friend when her son was so scared about school, that he cried to the point of making himself sick. That what ever fear you're facing, call it "Goliath", and you need to be "David" and conquer that fear...one step (or stone) at a time! All these things we plug into our little ones now will make an easier way for them in the future...just think what confident adults we're raising! That's so encouraging to remember when your heart is breaking for them in these phases of life. :-) T in Missouri

by trying to prep them as much as i can ahead of time. i work with students with disabilities and i have to say, a lot of the techniques i use at school have been very helpful with my own children. i have a kiddo that is very anxious about LOTS of things so i revert to making up little "social stories" about situations that i think my daughter may encounter- using words like "usually" and "most of the time" so my daughter doesnt think something will happen a certain way all of the time. i also try to remove myself from the emotional aspect so my daughter doesn't pick up on my fears by using a calm voice and masking my facial expressions. that's always a giveaway for me! you, ali, are such a good mom!

Just reading about this brought tears to my eyes...I'm such a sap, I Know...I cry very easily...any-how, this just time-warped me back to when my boys both started kindergarten which was really hard. Hard for me because I had to watch their "fears" on their faces, and I know they wanted to cry but they held it back, that was really hard for me. All I could do was....BREATHE....IN....and....OUT.....I kept chanting to myself (in my head), "They'll be okay, they'll be okay, while I'm holding onto their tiny hands, while putting on a brave, SMILING face for them.
With a lot of changes...that I can prepare for...I just give my boys lots of reminders about what's going to happen...where are they going...etc...so they KNOW, and hopefully when it actually comes down to it, in the back of their minds, they can hear my voice telling them that everything will be okay. Keeping consistent and calm helps me a lot...my boys both love routines, and it certainly makes life easier. Out of consistency and routines, I found they end up feeling more secure and confident about everyday life...and hopefully empowering them!

I've noticed that if I show any sign of concern (maybe second guessing a decision we've made) my kids totally pick up on it and it adds to their anxiety. If I put on a positive face and talk about all the excitement that surrounds it, it gives them confidence. They know that their Mommy and Daddy are always here and we talk a lot about what their thoughts are. When you know you're not going through something alone it makes it that much easier. Good luck! Simon has a couple of really great parents!

As a mom and a child psychologist, I echo many of the thoughts shared above. Here are some ideas:
--Help kids to understand how their thoughts can impact their emotions/behaviors. Help them to start to identify thoughts that magnify fears (i.e., I know that I'm going to fail, no matter what I do) and replace those destructive thoughts with more adaptive ones (My best is good enough!). If they are catastrophizing a situation (blowing it out of proportion), gently help them to identify a more realistic perception of the issue. Lots of affirmation!
--Provide lots of encouragement, but don't give empty praise. Focus on encouraging effort (i.e., Give it your best try, I know you are brave and I believe in you.) versus outcome (I know you will get an A on the test).
--Take Jesus with you....Pray together. Remind the child that they can talk to Jesus and give their fears to Him, no matter the time or place, and no matter whether you are around or not. That's powerful! And I don't know what I would do if I didn't have the power of prayer myself as a mother, as I watch them go to school....I am constantly praying for my kids throughout the day, and that alleviates a lot of my own fears and worries for them....casting my cares on Him!
--Create a worry box or worry journal. When something is worrying, they can draw it or write it out, and put it into the box or journal. That way, it minimizes the effect of the worry in your brain and makes room for more productive "stuff."
--Physical touch (hugs, squeezes) is so affirming and critical.
--Normalize the experience. Reassure them that fears are normal, everyone has them, and they are a part of life. Help them see that you, as an adult, have fears, too, and that you are in this thing of life together.
--Remind kids of past successes, to take away the anxiety of the unknown. Remind kids that they are unique, talented, capable and brave. Don't just use those words emptily....give specific instances when they have shown those traits.
--Remember that some kids are just more anxious, by virtue of personality and temperament. Allow the child to be anxious, and allow them to verbalize/express those fears. Avoid discounting, downplaying, or negating their feelings.
--Make sure they have a "touch point person" at school. If the worries/fears get overwhelming, give them permission to seek that person out, whether it is a teacher or counselor or other adult. Discuss this with their teacher in advance to make sure the classroom schedule remains respected.
Thanks, Ali, for a great topic and for an amazing set of comments....I took notes on a few myself! I'm rooting for Simon for a great first grade year, with lots of successes celebrated!

i think in my mind that it would help me deal with it if i didn't think of "shipping" him off to school -- but instead focused on my own amazing school experiences and somehow transfer that positive energy to the child.
i also think for kids going to school is a lot like going to the gym is for adults. sometimes it's hard to get yourself to go -- but once you're there, you love it!

I do lots of what you do ~ talking, hugs, constant reassurance. I also let my kids know that I'm always there for them. That no matter what the issue they can always come to me and I'll listen (and mama bear will come out fighting for them if necessary!) They always know that home and family is "safe", where you can talk about anything.

i don't have kids of my own but i do work with kids and play with kids, sometimes for work and often for fun...i'd say, quiet their fears by listening to their fears, acknowledging and perhaps even voicing out their fears for them or giving a voice for their fears to be expressed, and so helping them to take that fear out from within to without and then work together to find ways to make that fear either smaller or ways to deal with those fears...

hi Ali,
you sound like you are already doing the same kinds of things i did/do with my kids. sometimes it seems like simply naming "it", ie: scared, sad, takes away some of "it's" power. i think you are on the right track!