Tender.
Ever have one of those days where you just feel a little too tender? Overly sensitive? Just waiting for someone to take you over the edge into a wave of tears?
I felt like that this morning.
It started off with six or seven packages that needed to go to the post office. One of the benefits of having Simon in school is that normally I could do it by myself - not put him through the misery of being in a place that is just different. But I needed to go, it needed to be done. And so we went. And the results were not pretty. In fact, it was horrible.
Piercing screams came directly from my child. He did not want to be confined. He did not want to stand next to me while the packages were weighed and paid for - he wanted to run - and then he wanted to lay on the middle of the cold floor where other post office go-ers could walk around him. And so he screamed. Not the kind of loud crying that you sometimes hear, but full on ear piercing screams that jar you into the present moment like nothing else.
And I am calm. And I am cool. I focus on the woman weighing my packages and focus on using a calming voice while holding Simon tight (but not too tight) in my arms. The challenge is that he is getting so big. And so strong. It is much more difficult to hold him now. I know people are staring. I know what they are thinking. And they continue to stare and then to whisper and nod to one another in thanksgiving when we finally exit.
And I feel tender.
We walk out to the car and he hugs me as I carry him. '"Love you" is what he says. I buckle him in and take a deep breath.
We have two more stops on our errand list. I am able to get him into the shopping cart basket at Micheal's - he has an OJ so that helps keep him occupied as I pick up some paint brushes and page protectors. I have a coffee. We exit without any major commotion and walk down to the grocery store.
While removing him from one cart and putting him into to another I spill the rest of my coffee right inside the store. Because I did not get him into the second cart quick enough he is off running towards the watermelons, oblivious to the coffee on the floor and the look in my eyes. I alert one of the checkers to the spilled coffee, gather Simon up into the cart, and continue on - walking by the flower section and wishing for tulips.
And I feel even more tender. And I take another deep breath.
We get what we need: soy pudding, vegan cheese, tostada shells, salsa, chicken nuggets & fish sticks without any allergens = $38. He stays in the cart. I pay the bill. He gets an elephant sticker & a gorilla sticker from the checker. We walk out to the car. I buckle him in. I take a deep breath.
We drive home in silence. It is almost always silent in the car.
And I feel tender.
Just a big hug for you!
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My friend has had similar experiences. Here is what she brings with her whenever she goes out:
http://paains.org.uk/autism/cards.htm
I'm sorry your morning was so rough! I hope the rest of the day was so much better!
Cheers,
Steph
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i love ya girlfriend...
ebb and flow.
sucks!
hope you have a better afternoon!
d
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i have healthy young children and many moments like this -- those times validate me as a mother, reminding me not to take it all too seriously and that [it's okay and that it'll be all right] -- my mantra.
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Consider this a giant blog-hug. I can't fully sympathize with you, but I do understand. Two boys, very different from each other, 7 years apart in age. One always silent in the car, no stories to tell or things to share. But loves being places and around people. The other, talks non-stop in the car, thousands of stories to tell, but very uncomfortable in unfamiliar places - especially if those places contain people.
I really think most people understand. If they don't, then I guess they were just dealt a different hand, different times. But I do know how you feel & I wish I could make it better for you. And I can tell you're making a difference for Simon! He is with you and Chris for a reason. Just like Joe and Sam are with Dave and me for a reason. We all needed each other.
Prayers are coming your way right now.
Jane
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He felt your patience at the post office when he couldn't handle it and was screaming and you were calm. He knows, you know. That patience speaks louder than any yelling or reprimanding you might to do satisfy those peircing stares and talking behind the hands could.
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Oh... hugs. Some days are like that. There is some bad juju at the post office, I don't know what it is but both of mine are insufferable there too. And there is never a line until I'm there with kids who can't handle it. And it never happens on a day when I'm in my "good chearleader mom" mood, only when I am feeling... tender. And then I spill my coffee...
It is ok. You did a great job.
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It is truly amazing and enlightening to hear you put what you experience with Simon in words. I often wonder the true deep down feelings of my sister and you have been able to give me an insight into her world. Thanks for continuing to make me aware of how tender you feel as well as my sis. Give Simon a big hug and remember you are a remarkable woman!
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Ali- IT IS OK, remember? We all have our days like that, especially we moms of special kids. Keep yer chin up, and remember that IT IS OK. And.... we all love you!:)
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Wow, what a story! Thank you so much for sharing!! I can only tell you what you say to me (us) all the time: it's ok!!
Every time when I have a bad day with my son, I try to remember those comforting words: "it's ok!" "You did your best, you try to be the best mum, and you love your son deeply!" And that's what's really matters...
So, peace to you and a few big hugs for Simon!!
Now, I've got to figure out how to get a big bunch of 'our' Dutch tulips into your email box!
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Blessings for your patience little mother (I'm in the middle of reading Thr Red Tent....:)! Your day sounds really rough! I would have cried or lost it screaming like a banshee! You strength is to be commended.....and go get another coffee.....sounds like you deserve it!
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bless your heart! i have been in those "tender moments" myself and i am always having to remind myself to breathe. but i think that God puts us thru these situations to only make us stronger... take care of yourself! and huge kudos for staying calm during the whole thing! that, my friend, is an amazing display of strength.
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Ali,
Your strength and your love for Simon are so inspiring. Hope your day gets a little better.
psst... Chris if you're reading this too please pick her up those tulips :)
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I wish I had an ounce of your patience. In those moments when my 2 year old is starting to misbehave or strech my patience, I feel the warmth rise in me and I have to just go. I do not want to lose my cool, yet I also cannot stand the stares and looks I get from strangers. Makes me feel like a failing mother and then I realize that anyone who has ever been a parent has been in my shoes and if they cannot remember those moments then the good ones must alway shine brighter. I love that Simon told you he loved you....makes it all better doesn't it? Here is a tissue, sometimes a good cry is very therapeutic! I'll have one too....
Thinking of you!
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IT IS OK.....I was the same with my almost 4yrs and 6yrs girls. Hang in there u did a good job! Keep deep breathing. Lots of love Hugs, Angie
(From Erie,Pa deaf)
Oxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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consider yourself(and Simon) hugged!
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Ali-I really commend you and you are a strong woman. I to have a son who has a receptive/expressive lang. delay...not officially diagnosed with Autism...but Ive been through the screaming child...reacting to loud noises...and child being a crowed place... he's going on 6 now and has come along way!!! I know how tender you feel and the up and downs your going through...I remember sitting on my stairs looking at him square in the eye at age 2 1/2 and wondering if I would ever his his sweet voice say anything the resembled English! I'll say a pray for you and my god give you peace:-)
K@Va
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Okay, I am literally crying after the first 2 sentences because I am having a very very tender week and to be honest, a tender year. :-) Hugs to you Ali. Tomorrow is another day. Peace and blessings, Cindy
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Ali, my heart is with you today. I have a son with sensory processing issues and I am all too familiar with these types of meltdowns. My son is very sensitive to loud noises, and I've left many a birthday party or other event due to popping balloons and overstimulating noises. You are such a wonderful Mom, so please try to carry this knowledge with you when you feel Tender.
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i admire your strength.
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I am touched by your story of your day, your vulnerability and your strength to keep calm in the moment. As a mother, I've been there too and I understand how frustrating these times can be. I admire your patience and ability to just take a breath. Thank you for sharing!
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OH, heck yes! Sometimes when my kids are having SCREAMING TANTRUMS as I try to buckle them into the car, and I can't get it buckled because they're bucking their hips... I just want to lay in the driveway and cry... wonder what my life has come to... wonder how I do this every day... And, if I was standing in line at the post office I would just be SO glad I wasn't you. I'm sure that's what 99% of them are thinking.
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Ali sweet Ali - It's OK. Sending you positive energy and hopes for a better feeling day.
I wish I could go to Hermiston. I actually tended bar in Hepner for a summer job once while I was in college. How that was an experience.
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HUGS. Reminds me of my efforts to grocery shop with 3 children 3 and under. What fun! Chin up!
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Sorry you had a not so great day. Know the tender feeling well. But you made it home safe home. FYI, watching the autism video you put up the other day makes me understand the incident you had in the post office better. And I'd like to think I would be a bit more tolerant if I had encountered you in that situation after having seen the video. So much of life would be made so much easier if people just stopped and tried to understand a situation rather than judge it. Anyway, wishing you a better day.
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