Tender.
Ever have one of those days where you just feel a little too tender? Overly sensitive? Just waiting for someone to take you over the edge into a wave of tears?
I felt like that this morning.
It started off with six or seven packages that needed to go to the post office. One of the benefits of having Simon in school is that normally I could do it by myself - not put him through the misery of being in a place that is just different. But I needed to go, it needed to be done. And so we went. And the results were not pretty. In fact, it was horrible.
Piercing screams came directly from my child. He did not want to be confined. He did not want to stand next to me while the packages were weighed and paid for - he wanted to run - and then he wanted to lay on the middle of the cold floor where other post office go-ers could walk around him. And so he screamed. Not the kind of loud crying that you sometimes hear, but full on ear piercing screams that jar you into the present moment like nothing else.
And I am calm. And I am cool. I focus on the woman weighing my packages and focus on using a calming voice while holding Simon tight (but not too tight) in my arms. The challenge is that he is getting so big. And so strong. It is much more difficult to hold him now. I know people are staring. I know what they are thinking. And they continue to stare and then to whisper and nod to one another in thanksgiving when we finally exit.
And I feel tender.
We walk out to the car and he hugs me as I carry him. '"Love you" is what he says. I buckle him in and take a deep breath.
We have two more stops on our errand list. I am able to get him into the shopping cart basket at Micheal's - he has an OJ so that helps keep him occupied as I pick up some paint brushes and page protectors. I have a coffee. We exit without any major commotion and walk down to the grocery store.
While removing him from one cart and putting him into to another I spill the rest of my coffee right inside the store. Because I did not get him into the second cart quick enough he is off running towards the watermelons, oblivious to the coffee on the floor and the look in my eyes. I alert one of the checkers to the spilled coffee, gather Simon up into the cart, and continue on - walking by the flower section and wishing for tulips.
And I feel even more tender. And I take another deep breath.
We get what we need: soy pudding, vegan cheese, tostada shells, salsa, chicken nuggets & fish sticks without any allergens = $38. He stays in the cart. I pay the bill. He gets an elephant sticker & a gorilla sticker from the checker. We walk out to the car. I buckle him in. I take a deep breath.
We drive home in silence. It is almost always silent in the car.
And I feel tender.
Ali,
As you know, this is my life too. I could have written this. We have had many days like this. But there are good days too. (hugs) to you. (hugs) to Simon. One step at a time. It is okay. :)
-Monica
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been there, done that.
After 15 YEARS of raising a child who is MR and Autistic, I have seen so much...I have learned a great deal. I have developed TEFLON skin. People can stare all they want. No amount of begging from me will cause people NOT to stare...People are most entertained/afraid/interested in what they don't understand....Oh how I hated the staring. It took me about 2 years not to burst into tears when someone would stare or make some comment under their breath...
My son is 18 now and it's still tough. It's easier in ways because he's older and I can reason with him (sometimes). He's bigger than me, and he he is much stronger than me.
There will be days that will make you cry and days that you will rejoice.
It all evens out, Ali.
And in the end, Simon will thrive. With you as his mom and stauchest advocate, he's destined for great things....
You're always in my prayers.
Suz
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I know those screams, those looks, and those tender moments all too well. May tomorrow bring and brighter day. You are such a great mama, Simon dude is SO very lucky to have you, SO very lucky.
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I know those screams, those looks, and those tender moments all too well. May tomorrow bring a brighter day. You are such a great mama, Simon dude is SO very lucky to have you, SO very lucky.
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Wow.
You took me back.
I will never forget two instances with my Jillian.
One was a parade (big mistake, big) she was fine for a little while and then...it was an explosion. She was hysterical and so over stimulated that touching her was impossible. I will never forget how people looked at her. How they looked at us. How I was struggling to stay composed when I really felt like screaming at everyone to just stop looking.
Second was a trip to the mall. Everything was fine. She was handling the new place well. She was handling the people well. Without warning she was finished. She screamed and she started panicking. She kicked off her shoes. She laid on the floor, in the middle of the mall, and cried. I couldn't touch her, she wouldn't let me. People stopped and they stared. One person stopped to help me..and I heard others muttering how I need to control my child.
Tender is the right word..you feel so exposed....
Jaime
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As a mom, when I'm somewhere and I hear/see a child screaming or throwing a tantrum, I always focus more on the mom. Because that has been me- tender is the right feeling for times like that. And I can say that my eyes are sometimes filled with tears, remembering the embarassment and frustration, coupled with heartbreaking love for the child responsible.
I know that my USPS has a kiosk in the lobby that is open 24/7, where you can weigh, purchase postage, and send packages and letters. And I think Kah-mei has the right idea- it may be worth the time and money to look into getting pickup for pkg at your house. Although for Simon, it may be better in the long run to take him to the post office when it isn't busy and he can look and absorb what he's able to. So the next time you have to be there it isn't as strange. I know a lot of the screaming stems from sensory overload, because it isn't a familiar place. LOL, and that's probably too long a post for you.
Thanks for your blog. It brightens my day.
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It appears I am having one of those days myself (although it's early, and there's still hope...). Thanks for giving me words to describe it when I have none.
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I read your posts all the time and that one just made me totally teary-eyed. I think we've all been there and at least I always remember being the girl who saw parent's in those situations before I had children and thought "My children will never do that". Now I just look at those simple unknowing people who are giving me the look I used to give and think "uh, yes you will". Hang in there! Melinda
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The daily experiences that bring each of us to that point may be different, but feeling tender... we ALL relate with you on this one, babe. BIG HUGS. Hope today is a better day!
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Hey Ali-I have read this post over and over. I am so inspired by how calm you remained in the situation. My children do not have special needs (other than the constant desire for my undivided attention)and yet there are times when I feel I have handled myself in a less than exemplary manner with them. You were magnificent. And Simon new it. He knew you understood him, and you got the both of you through it in the best way possible. I know you feel tender. You should also feel so proud.
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Ali, you inspire me to gain the strength to handle similar situations that I encounter with my son. I sometimes (usually) feel so whipped and beaten down when this happens. Having the courage to stay calm, and to proceed with your day was just awesome. When he said "Love you", all of the stress and humiliation just melted away. Thank you so, so much for sharing, Ali :).
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Ali, thanks for sharing - anyone with children has been there, and I could feel your pain - you handled it with grace - I love where Simon says "Love You", as if to say, I know I wasn't so great in there - too cute -
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Wow, what a day. But the hug, the 'love you'...the fabulous photos Simon took. I know I'm guilty of being a 'looker.' Your experiences have helped me get over that. I really don't know what's going on when a kid is having trouble in a public place - but I know now that I need to love his parents who are just doing the best they can. Rock on...keep the faith.
k8
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Oh Ali! You are doing such a wonderful job with Simon! You are a terrific mother, wife and person. We all have trying days like you had today. We just keep on keepin on! Hugs to you! I know it is hard today but tomorrow will be better!
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I am crying as I read this. You are such a wonderful person and an awesome mom. You put some of us to shame. God Bless You Ali. And thank you for sharing your life with us.
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Ali... it is OK... Thanks so much for sharing your little "everyday's"...You are a very strong woman and great mother. People just don't understand because they aren't educated on what is going on with a child that is having a bad day. I definitely felt very tender after reading your post. Hoping you are having a better day and remember to just breathe. Sending hugs your way.
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i just want to say ali .... i have been there. email me if you ever need to talk, 'k? big hugs to you.
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I know I'm late reading this, but to quote you: "It is OK." Rarely does the random stranger understand the challenges of doing something as "simple" as taking a child out on errands. I commend you for your patience with Simon, it's a true testament to just how much you love him!
Tomorrow and the next will be better... promise! I'll say a prayer for you tonight.
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Ali - you are a women of great strength, praise God. a true inspiration.
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Have you seen the web video "Autism Every Day"? I think it speaks to how TIRED parents of autistic children are on a regular basis (my friend's boy is autistic, and my best friend since age 8 has a severely autistic brother). At least you know you're not alone. Plan a weekend alone with your husband now and then, if possible. And don't forget to sleep in addition to sightseeing! Here's the video link: http://www.autismspeaks.org/sponsoredevents/autism_every_day.php
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There is a new world dawning, where a woman can share her heart over the wires, and 170 (171) people can comfort her, show her love, tell her they understand. All within 24 hours. I like this new world. So funny that the last comment above mine is someone directing you to the video that you directed us to a few days ago. So wonderful to "know" you and know that I am not alone in those hard days. God bless!
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I just had to share my story - I had to take my then 4 year old son on the ferry to NYC and he totally freaked. I mean lost it. And we were trapped on a boat. And I had luggage, because we were meeting my husband in the city. There was nothing I could do but hold him tight while he screamed and the whole boat stared at us without turning their heads in our direction. It was a 10 minute ride that felt like 10 hours.
But we made it to the other side. And I will NEVER forget the old woman who came up to me and told me that I did a wonderful job with my son. Thinking back to that moment brings tears to my eyes.
I wish I could have been there with you to tell you that you did a good job, too. Because you did.
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Wow (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) I was right there with you hunny.
I am a happy go lucky mum of three children with Special needs but boy i know THAT feeling sometimes :)
Take care
xxx
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Target could of been worse, he could of decided to potty in the cart. Been there done that with a newborn and 3 year old. It was the worse shopping day of my life. I couldn't even find someone to clean it up! It too will pass! Our post office will give stickers out. They just say Priority Mail on them! But, they are a treat at the post office!
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*heavy sigh* You amaze me. Even while you have your worst day... you inspire me. I think I'll go hug one of my three boys right now.
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