Tender.
Ever have one of those days where you just feel a little too tender? Overly sensitive? Just waiting for someone to take you over the edge into a wave of tears?
I felt like that this morning.
It started off with six or seven packages that needed to go to the post office. One of the benefits of having Simon in school is that normally I could do it by myself - not put him through the misery of being in a place that is just different. But I needed to go, it needed to be done. And so we went. And the results were not pretty. In fact, it was horrible.
Piercing screams came directly from my child. He did not want to be confined. He did not want to stand next to me while the packages were weighed and paid for - he wanted to run - and then he wanted to lay on the middle of the cold floor where other post office go-ers could walk around him. And so he screamed. Not the kind of loud crying that you sometimes hear, but full on ear piercing screams that jar you into the present moment like nothing else.
And I am calm. And I am cool. I focus on the woman weighing my packages and focus on using a calming voice while holding Simon tight (but not too tight) in my arms. The challenge is that he is getting so big. And so strong. It is much more difficult to hold him now. I know people are staring. I know what they are thinking. And they continue to stare and then to whisper and nod to one another in thanksgiving when we finally exit.
And I feel tender.
We walk out to the car and he hugs me as I carry him. '"Love you" is what he says. I buckle him in and take a deep breath.
We have two more stops on our errand list. I am able to get him into the shopping cart basket at Micheal's - he has an OJ so that helps keep him occupied as I pick up some paint brushes and page protectors. I have a coffee. We exit without any major commotion and walk down to the grocery store.
While removing him from one cart and putting him into to another I spill the rest of my coffee right inside the store. Because I did not get him into the second cart quick enough he is off running towards the watermelons, oblivious to the coffee on the floor and the look in my eyes. I alert one of the checkers to the spilled coffee, gather Simon up into the cart, and continue on - walking by the flower section and wishing for tulips.
And I feel even more tender. And I take another deep breath.
We get what we need: soy pudding, vegan cheese, tostada shells, salsa, chicken nuggets & fish sticks without any allergens = $38. He stays in the cart. I pay the bill. He gets an elephant sticker & a gorilla sticker from the checker. We walk out to the car. I buckle him in. I take a deep breath.
We drive home in silence. It is almost always silent in the car.
And I feel tender.
wish i could've been there to help you.
i have a child with similiar problems and situations. overstimulation wham!
you'd think someone in line would say may i help you. or i can take this for you while you get him/her? i think people instead of staring and whispering along with their other kids, could help out by doing something! maybe just taking your money, paying for your boxes so you can console you baby who needs help and some loving.
i dont know how many times this has happened to me and i really dont get the people that stare in an angry way and say they feel sorry for me. dont feel sorry for me, lend me a hand. unload my cart so i can pay quicker i dont know. but for the 100 mean looks, comments and mean children sometimes you find an angel in there to help, i always guess that angel is a scrapper cuz scrappers are all about good.
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Dear Ali,
I know what you mean, I can relate, every single day.
My son is 15 though, I pray for survival for the both of us daily.
You are an amazing woman.
Tender, however frightening, is still beautiful.
Hugs
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yes oh yes how I know those days..all you can do is keep it together until it's safe enough for you to let it out. Good job mom - remember you are the PERFECT mother for Simon! No one else could be his mom the way you are!!!
I have to remember that as I am a mother on many days!
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Thank you for being real about motherhood, Ali. I always congratuate it when I see it because it's so important. Simon has an amazing mom. Everyone else can kiss off.
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Ah, yes Ali...you gotta love those 'tender moments', eh? They make me thankful, because then I really know when to embrace those 'easier moments' in my life. It's that opposition in all things kind of deal. To know the good, you have to know the bad.
Having a sense of humor helps pull me through em...otherwise, I'd be walking around with a constant head tick, mumbling to myself, and drooling. (not a pretty sight).
Here's to realizing when you are in the 'moments'...and accepting them.
miles of smiles~
Peg
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Take care, Ali.
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you said it so well, thanks this is how I feel many times!hugs!
corinnexxx
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Been there, for sure.
Why doesn't the post office have a damn drive-thru?!
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Ali, if I could send you a hundred dozen tulips I would...ofcourse then your home would be overrun.
But I'm thinking of you, and praying for your family daily. Just remember...the tender parts are what makes you, you.
And there are so many people who love you just the way you are!
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Ali I'm sitting here in tears after reading your story... I know that heartache... not just for you, but for your baby. I'm sending you the biggest hugs I can muster and I hope you can feel them, even now... even though i missed reading this the day you posted it... Just know you're not alone. *hugs*
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Just know, you are not alone. My boys are 2 years apart and when they're together with me shopping or running errands -- they can be the sweetest angels on the planet and the other times (which is many).... well you know. Just hang in there...
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Ali, I certainly can relate. And tears welled up in my eyes as I lived my experiences through your post. My son has those same breakdowns and as a mother of 3 boys (18, 15 & 4) my youngest is the only one with autism, it certainly has been an adjustment for me to accept the scorning stares of people who just don't know and don't understand. But I have learned that breathing and staying calm is the best thing for them. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world is thinking. It isn't as easy as saying it, I know. But truly it is ok! You are an inspiration and I love your openness about your experiences, thanks for sharing them.
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Ali, I certainly can relate. And tears welled up in my eyes as I lived my experiences through your post. My son has those same breakdowns and as a mother of 3 boys (18, 15 & 4) my youngest is the only one with autism, it certainly has been an adjustment for me to accept the scorning stares of people who just don't know and don't understand. But I have learned that breathing and staying calm is the best thing for them. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world is thinking. It isn't as easy as saying it, I know. But truly it is ok! You are an inspiration and I love your openness about your experiences, thanks for sharing them.
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Sorry Ali, not sure why my post showed up under someone elses name but I reposted and it came up correctly, feel free to delete this one and the one under Ruth. Im sorry Ruth not sure what happened, I think the website had a hiccup, LOL!! or I did something wrong.
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Sorry Ali, not sure why my post showed up under someone elses name but I reposted and it came up correctly, feel free to delete this one and the one under Ruth. Im sorry Ruth not sure what happened, I think the website had a hiccup, LOL!! or I did something wrong.
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Hi Ali,
I don't have any kids so I don't speak from personal experience but I am certain that it is moments like these that show Simon you love him unconditionally. And his comment in the car tells you he knows.
I think you handled it very well, I don't know what I would have done...
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Ali--
Just catching up on my blog reading and I have to say that I'm crying. Thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. It's nice to know their are other moms out there going through the same thing on a daily basis.
My thoughts are with you, stay strong. He Loves You.
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I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know I have sooo been there. One of my twins is Aspergers. One of the best things I did for myself was join some support groups. And one very cool mom shared something she had done to help her feel better in these situations. I did it too. We had business sized cards typed up that we could just hand to those whispering strangers as they stared (since we are too busy trying to help our autistic child cope to deal with their attitudes) It states simply "This is not the tmeper tantrum of a poorly behaved child. This is my autistic son who is simply not able to cope with all of the stimuli in his environment right now" On the reverse side it describes what autism is.
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I came and read this post after seeing the reference to it on the autism yahoo group...somehow I missed it the first time although I usually read your blog.
I had that exact same experience yesterday. Only it was in Home Depot. I would have cried at the nasty stares I was getting from clerks and other shoppers if I hadn't been so busy trying to handle Bridget. I simply didn't have anything left to have my own reaction.
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