Tender.
Ever have one of those days where you just feel a little too tender? Overly sensitive? Just waiting for someone to take you over the edge into a wave of tears?
I felt like that this morning.
It started off with six or seven packages that needed to go to the post office. One of the benefits of having Simon in school is that normally I could do it by myself - not put him through the misery of being in a place that is just different. But I needed to go, it needed to be done. And so we went. And the results were not pretty. In fact, it was horrible.
Piercing screams came directly from my child. He did not want to be confined. He did not want to stand next to me while the packages were weighed and paid for - he wanted to run - and then he wanted to lay on the middle of the cold floor where other post office go-ers could walk around him. And so he screamed. Not the kind of loud crying that you sometimes hear, but full on ear piercing screams that jar you into the present moment like nothing else.
And I am calm. And I am cool. I focus on the woman weighing my packages and focus on using a calming voice while holding Simon tight (but not too tight) in my arms. The challenge is that he is getting so big. And so strong. It is much more difficult to hold him now. I know people are staring. I know what they are thinking. And they continue to stare and then to whisper and nod to one another in thanksgiving when we finally exit.
And I feel tender.
We walk out to the car and he hugs me as I carry him. '"Love you" is what he says. I buckle him in and take a deep breath.
We have two more stops on our errand list. I am able to get him into the shopping cart basket at Micheal's - he has an OJ so that helps keep him occupied as I pick up some paint brushes and page protectors. I have a coffee. We exit without any major commotion and walk down to the grocery store.
While removing him from one cart and putting him into to another I spill the rest of my coffee right inside the store. Because I did not get him into the second cart quick enough he is off running towards the watermelons, oblivious to the coffee on the floor and the look in my eyes. I alert one of the checkers to the spilled coffee, gather Simon up into the cart, and continue on - walking by the flower section and wishing for tulips.
And I feel even more tender. And I take another deep breath.
We get what we need: soy pudding, vegan cheese, tostada shells, salsa, chicken nuggets & fish sticks without any allergens = $38. He stays in the cart. I pay the bill. He gets an elephant sticker & a gorilla sticker from the checker. We walk out to the car. I buckle him in. I take a deep breath.
We drive home in silence. It is almost always silent in the car.
And I feel tender.
Thanks for the reminder that things aren't always as they appear.
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Wow! You're such an amazing mom! So strong! Simon is blessed to have you for a mom!
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Oh Ali, my eyes welled up reading your entry. I had that kind of day on Wednesday. That sort of spent feeling were you keep going but you really feel close to either crawling into bed or falling into a puddle on the floor and sobbing. But you keep going. Keeping the faith that things will come back around and you will feel whole again. After Wednesday I realized that I need to bring some more soul into my life. Need to explore and savour simple pleasures. Thanks for sharing - sharing helps remind us all that we are not alone in feeling tender once in a while. Thank you.
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ali, my friend, you make me cry because i've been there too...thanks for sharing your tenderness so we all can feel a little bit more normal & know that is is okay...
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Sending you hugs from Minnesota !!
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wow....how you do it all is such a testament that Simon was given the right mom. And, while not in the same way, there are many days lately when I've felt like each nerve was exposed, just...waiting. tender is just the right word. I know you hear it all the time, but thank you for inspiring and connecting.
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It seems redundant to echo everyone else's feelings about what an amazing woman you are, but it is true, so I'll say it again.
You are amazing.
I don't know you personally but I love to read your blog and it is always interesting to get a glimpse into someone's life. Reading today's post made me feel tender as well and I truly admire your patience and outlook.
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My heart goes out to you. It is such a horrible feeling when you feel like your children are out of control. I'll never forget two years ago when I had to take my then 3 year old out of the rec center pool kicking and screaming...they just happened to be having the health fair there that day so EVERYONE (including our dental hygenists) were there. I was beyond embarrassed...and I was mad.
When I went to get my teeth cleaned a few months later, they brought up having seen us that day, and I told them how embarrassed I was because everyone was staring at us, and they said, "Don't worry. Everyone was staring at you just being glad it wasn't them THAT DAY...because as moms, we've all had those days.
I hope your day gets better. As I paged down to read your entire post, I saw your beautiful new (I think it's new anyway) cafe press shirt so I clicked on the cafe press icon and looked through your store. I saw your shirt that says, "It is ok." So just like that, it is ok today. And tomorrow will be better.
I hope you know how much you inspire us all...your beautiful work and your positive outlook on life. Hopefully those thoughts get you through your "tender" day. Thank you for all you give back to us!
Lisa
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Because of you, your willingness to share, and that nudge to others to share on your blog here in the comments, it has given people like myself more patience and more understanding, tolerance and more of a kind heart towards the crying children and their parents I encounter during my day.
Hold on, Ali. And to all of you parents out there. Hold on. Even on those tender days, we understand. I may be on line at the post office or the grocery store with you and I may nod, but it is not in judgment. It is with understanding and patience.
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Big hugs and kisses for your patience and remembering to breath. I am all too familiar with trips to the post office and grocery store with my two-year old. I would have, and, in fact have, given up and ran errands on a Saturday when my husband could watch our son. A wise woman recently told me "It is OK." and....it is!
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'Smell the soup' (Breathe in)
'Cool the soup' (Breathe out)
You are strong. Simon is blessed to have you for his mom.
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Thank you for sharing this. I hope you felt better after writing it. Get the sleep you need so that you can have a better day tomorrow.
You are a great mom!
Big Hug!
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Thanks for sharing your honest feelings. There were times when my baby (who had reflux) would just be so miserable and I would just hold her and say "it's all right, it's ok, mommy loves you, you are safe and sound" OVER and OVER - probably more for me than her. I just love you - your family deserves the best!!!
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I admire you so much. I would have cracked at the post office and just called it a day. I would have gone home and cried. Your strength and patience is something that I truly admire and envy.
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Oh Ali - I wish I could give you a big hug right now, cause you need it!! I have been there and done that, many times more than I care to remember...
I don't want people to stare. Once Hayden said to me, as Madison was having a fit at Walmart - screaming and hitting herself, "why are they starring at her"? "they are looking at her funny mom". I said son, look at the way she is acting...they are probably scared.
We don't bring Madison to Walmart anymore - she hates that store.
I know you feel tender, but tomorrow is another day and it will be OKAY!!
xoxo
Mary
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Just remember: THEY aren't the ones in YOUR shoes. THEY don't have to live the life that you and Chris and Simon are living. We're all different, uniquely made and what a huge blessing you are to Simon that you didn't explode or crack under the pressure of the stares of THEM. That is what he is going to remember. That, my friend, is what LOVE is...
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gentleness, to your tenderness, dearheart.
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you are not alone....feeling much the same thing today and it will get better...big hugs to you and simon......and remember IT IS OK.
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oh man Ali...My heart went out to you as I read your post. SO hard.
Isn't it amazing though, that no matter how tough it is, to be a parent...one little "I Love You" instantly takes away all that hard stuff and makes it all right in the world again?
R
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Oh, Ali! HUGS! I think as mothers we have all been there. I remember last Fall when I was at the Gateway here in Salt Lake. Not sure if you've ever been there before, but it is an outdoor mall. I mean outdoor in that all of the shops face outdoors instead of in. We had gone with some friends of mine and their kids to get ice cream at Ben & Jerry's, then decided to walk to the other end of the mall to a small chocolate shop. On the way back to the parking lot, Liam bolted. Now keep in mind that I have a baby in a stroller to think about. I quickly asked my friend to watch the baby and SPRINTED after Liam. He had a good head start but after running nearly a full block to get to him, I intercepted him just before he got to the street. He thought I was chasing him for fun so he was laughing and I was yelling for him to stop. Everyone was staring because I was yelling and sprinting (what a sight!). And there were disapproving eyes and a few whispers. I can relate to that tender feeling you have. But just remember that there are people like me who see that and remember that it often is a part of motherhood. If they were judgemental then they must not remember what its like - and that's too bad because I'm sure if they did remember they'd realize that a little compassion goes a long way. Keep your chin up, sweetie. You're doing the best you can and from where I stand, that's pretty darn good!
Brek
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Ali, I am not a mother and have been a "spectator" when others have struggled with their children as you did today. The looks you feel you were receiving are not that of judgement or condemnation but that of sympathy and compassion. I would imagine those moments are those of feeling like you are in a fish bowl with all eyes upon you. I would feel very sensitive in those moments. I do not care to be the center of attention. How you handled the situation should be applauded! While you are faced with challenges, God certainly chose a person capable of succeeding in the face of them. Continue to inspire. KL
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{{{{HUGS to you, Ali}}}}
Having a similar day like this with my 3 1/2 yr old - a split-second-moving-son who ignores my requests not to roll on dirty, public floors and doesn't use his 'inside voice'....... thank you so much for sharing as it has helped me realize that I'm not alone on days like these, and please know that you are not alone either...
One day they will be older and we'll look back forgetting most about these types of days, I hope, and remember the more fond times...
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Many virtual hugs to you!!!
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Dear, sweet Ali...your post made me feel tender and made me cry...having one of those days myself.
You are an awesome momma and an awesome woman and it is O.K.
(((HUGS)))
Christyne
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good days, bad days, that's what makes life
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