Tender.
Ever have one of those days where you just feel a little too tender? Overly sensitive? Just waiting for someone to take you over the edge into a wave of tears?
I felt like that this morning.
It started off with six or seven packages that needed to go to the post office. One of the benefits of having Simon in school is that normally I could do it by myself - not put him through the misery of being in a place that is just different. But I needed to go, it needed to be done. And so we went. And the results were not pretty. In fact, it was horrible.
Piercing screams came directly from my child. He did not want to be confined. He did not want to stand next to me while the packages were weighed and paid for - he wanted to run - and then he wanted to lay on the middle of the cold floor where other post office go-ers could walk around him. And so he screamed. Not the kind of loud crying that you sometimes hear, but full on ear piercing screams that jar you into the present moment like nothing else.
And I am calm. And I am cool. I focus on the woman weighing my packages and focus on using a calming voice while holding Simon tight (but not too tight) in my arms. The challenge is that he is getting so big. And so strong. It is much more difficult to hold him now. I know people are staring. I know what they are thinking. And they continue to stare and then to whisper and nod to one another in thanksgiving when we finally exit.
And I feel tender.
We walk out to the car and he hugs me as I carry him. '"Love you" is what he says. I buckle him in and take a deep breath.
We have two more stops on our errand list. I am able to get him into the shopping cart basket at Micheal's - he has an OJ so that helps keep him occupied as I pick up some paint brushes and page protectors. I have a coffee. We exit without any major commotion and walk down to the grocery store.
While removing him from one cart and putting him into to another I spill the rest of my coffee right inside the store. Because I did not get him into the second cart quick enough he is off running towards the watermelons, oblivious to the coffee on the floor and the look in my eyes. I alert one of the checkers to the spilled coffee, gather Simon up into the cart, and continue on - walking by the flower section and wishing for tulips.
And I feel even more tender. And I take another deep breath.
We get what we need: soy pudding, vegan cheese, tostada shells, salsa, chicken nuggets & fish sticks without any allergens = $38. He stays in the cart. I pay the bill. He gets an elephant sticker & a gorilla sticker from the checker. We walk out to the car. I buckle him in. I take a deep breath.
We drive home in silence. It is almost always silent in the car.
And I feel tender.
Your little man Simon said it best he "love you" and you love him and that is why you are the calm woman that you are. Remember almost every single person waiting in that line has been there done that. I tell myself that often when Max has moments like that in public. It is ok Ali. I wish I could have been there to take your packages to the post office for you.But as parents we must always remember that each day is a new adventure and some days will be better than others. Sorry you burned your cookies-eat them anyway! Hugs to you.
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Hey Ali!
I just got in the mail today a button that says "celebrate something everyday". Loved it when I saw it b/c as a mother of two small boys I often have days like you're having today. Somedays I celebrate that tomorrow will be a new day! :) Today I celebrate women who live honestly and admit vulnerability. YOU rock!
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You know, I've had days where I feel like this but didn't quite know how to describe it. And you hit it on the nose. Tender. I could do without those days. I feel so overly sensitive on those days and somehow try to find the strength to get through them.
Amazing how we handle these challenges in life and although you were faced with the feeling of tenderness today, you forged through it and are kind enough to share it with us. It's nice to know we're in good company.
Jeanette
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Ali,
I experienced the same thing today at the post office with my 3 year old (& my 11 mo. old in a stroller). It is sad that our society has to be so proud not to help another in need or at least judge others in situations that are difficult. I also got back to the car and was able to give loves to my son and forget about the glares for that moment in time. You are such an inspiration to us all!
Jenn
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Oh Ali - the "Love you" got me - that's where he knows that you're there for him, ya know? He knows that no matter how he behaves or how badly he's feeling ('cause, bless his heart, he was feeling bad), he knows that you're there for him. That was his "Thank you, Momma, for loving me no matter what." (((((((hugs))))))) and huge kudos to you!!!
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I went through the same thing yesterday at a city and county office. It took 2 hours and I can't blame my child for feeling the way he did. But boy, did I really need to take a break. I admire you for your patience. I had my mom with me yesterday to help. i'm glad I'm not the only one who sometimes feel overwhelmed with being a mom. Hugs to you.
Aloha,
Melody
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(((hugs to you and Simon this day))). i will keep you in my prayers and send hugs to you ongoing. i understand 'tender' as well... remember to carve out moments of rest and refreshing when you can - and breathe. YOU are surrounded by those who care and send their best wishes... :)
simon... you're blessed to have this mommy.
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Wow, (deep breath), I don't know what to say. I am in awe of your strength. You are an inspiration for those of us who strive for that kind of patience. What a great mother you are.
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I've been in that same exact spot as you (post office) and you almost feel as if the starers and gaspers are piercing holes through you with their eyes. You just know their expressions on their face without even looking at them and you just know what they are saying to themselves and to each other. It's hard to deal with that and deal with your child but we have strength we sometimes don't realize we have to deal with situations like that and we get through them. And the ones who stare and shake their heads, we have to have the strength inside to deal with them too. But in the grand scheme of things they don't matter in our lives, only our kids do. Hugs.
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hugs. I am right there with you ever single day. You described that feeling perfectly. TENDER. I have days like this often. now I sit wondering how to do my errands. How to not put my son in the situations that drive him crazy. Take care.
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Your words describe it so perfectly. Just tender. You did great, you were a wonderful momma in a stressful situation. Not many mothers can do that.
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Deja vu! - although my episode played out with a woman turning and yelling at me "Would you shut that kid up". My screaming, crying 3 year old daughter was the catalyst of her remark and my boys 8 & 5 were just along for the ride. I'll never forget how all in the same moment I was completely mortified and yet felt completely supported when the entire rest of the people in line gasped in unison! It was an amazing sound, I'll never forget! Even though I knew I had the suport of the others in line - I was shaking like a leaf, trying to be gracious and hold it all together. The term "going postal" took on a whole new meaning that day!
I was so hurt by a woman I didn't even know, who was admittedly not even a mother herself - why should I care what she thought? - but I did. And I didn't want to retaliate, I wanted to be the bigger person - she just had no idea. So I know that tender feeling you speak of - I'm glad you were able to go home and rejuvinate - nothing like the comfort of those four wall we call home, eh? Love ya darlin' - it's going to be ok - sweet dreams to you and yours!
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remember when you made me cry at the zone.. when I told you how every now & then you meet someone... with a special set of circumstances.. and they have that special grace under pressure... a way about them.. that it warms your heart.. THIS is what I was talking about.. you are awesome.. my love to you & simon... and now I'm crying again.. :)
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Hugs Ali! Serious hugs!
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Ali, just read your posts from the last 2 days...shed a couple of tears for you and sending hugs your way. Never easy being a Mom but how wonderful are the words "love you". You are a special person who has been blessed with a very special Simon. You'll be in my thoughts.
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this is why you were chosen to be simon's mama. you did good, girl.
ps...did you at least eat one of the burnt cookies?
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What a blessing you are? Thank you
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Ali, My son has a genetic condition, because of it he exhibits many behaviours similar to Autism. At Simons age he had many, many sensory issues and it was never easy taking him anywhere, always a crap shoot. He is 7 now and almost completing 1st grade. Frankly, as a family we work a lot harder to acheive successes, and we measure them differently from others...But thismuch is true, each year it amazes me how much easier it gets, how much more mature and better able to cope he is. Keep the faith! On the tough days try to remember that the quirks have a deeply wonderful, unique side too. And make time to cry a little every one in a while. Then take a deep breath and begin again...
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oh Ali, sending you lots of cyber hugs your way girl. totally understand your tenderness. patience is probably one of the best things i have learned being a mother! & btw, i'm FAMOUS for burning cookies...hehehe!
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Ali, Simon is blessed to have you as his Mother.
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What is there to say except I hope tomorrow is a much less tender day.
I think everyone needs to sit right on the edge of their emotions sometimes. To feel the depth of them.
You are such a brave soul. To have a day like this takes enough bravery for any person. Then you are free enough to share you hardships with all of us. So very brave.
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This is what makes you Ali. Honest. Real. Raw. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Your art is amazing but your spirit is truely remarkable.
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love you tender
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Ali, dont' have much to say, and I see that this has all gone on the mellow side now by your updated post, but I just want to send a Mommy Hug your way and tell you how amazing you are and how much I know you are doing the right things for your Boy! My sister has been doing this with not one, but two sons for almost 16 years now...each day, each moment and experience makes her stronger and a better person. You are right up there with her and I love you for that. Your amazing.
Darla
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You need to know that it is ok. My brother had times like these with my mother. She was always so exasperated. He was always big for his size and as he grew older it didn't help, because it just got harder. He doesn't have autism, but has a condition known as delayed mentality. His physical age at the time was 8, but his mental age was 4. As each year passed, he would physically grow and gain an age, but his mind stayed at a delayed age much longer. He is now 32 (240 lbs), still lives with my parents, his mental age is probably now at around 13, but without knowing how to read, or write passed that of a 5 year old. It's gotten easier, in short, just remember, the good times will FAR OUTLAST all the tender times and will leave you with a tender heart full of love and compassion for your child. That's the kind of tender that's born from this. So don't sweat it... it's all good!
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