Tender.
Ever have one of those days where you just feel a little too tender? Overly sensitive? Just waiting for someone to take you over the edge into a wave of tears?
I felt like that this morning.
It started off with six or seven packages that needed to go to the post office. One of the benefits of having Simon in school is that normally I could do it by myself - not put him through the misery of being in a place that is just different. But I needed to go, it needed to be done. And so we went. And the results were not pretty. In fact, it was horrible.
Piercing screams came directly from my child. He did not want to be confined. He did not want to stand next to me while the packages were weighed and paid for - he wanted to run - and then he wanted to lay on the middle of the cold floor where other post office go-ers could walk around him. And so he screamed. Not the kind of loud crying that you sometimes hear, but full on ear piercing screams that jar you into the present moment like nothing else.
And I am calm. And I am cool. I focus on the woman weighing my packages and focus on using a calming voice while holding Simon tight (but not too tight) in my arms. The challenge is that he is getting so big. And so strong. It is much more difficult to hold him now. I know people are staring. I know what they are thinking. And they continue to stare and then to whisper and nod to one another in thanksgiving when we finally exit.
And I feel tender.
We walk out to the car and he hugs me as I carry him. '"Love you" is what he says. I buckle him in and take a deep breath.
We have two more stops on our errand list. I am able to get him into the shopping cart basket at Micheal's - he has an OJ so that helps keep him occupied as I pick up some paint brushes and page protectors. I have a coffee. We exit without any major commotion and walk down to the grocery store.
While removing him from one cart and putting him into to another I spill the rest of my coffee right inside the store. Because I did not get him into the second cart quick enough he is off running towards the watermelons, oblivious to the coffee on the floor and the look in my eyes. I alert one of the checkers to the spilled coffee, gather Simon up into the cart, and continue on - walking by the flower section and wishing for tulips.
And I feel even more tender. And I take another deep breath.
We get what we need: soy pudding, vegan cheese, tostada shells, salsa, chicken nuggets & fish sticks without any allergens = $38. He stays in the cart. I pay the bill. He gets an elephant sticker & a gorilla sticker from the checker. We walk out to the car. I buckle him in. I take a deep breath.
We drive home in silence. It is almost always silent in the car.
And I feel tender.
Hugs, Ali! Hope tomorrow is better for you and Simon.
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I had that tender moment today--only I couldn't fight the tears. And once they started...well...you know they won't stop!
Hugs, friend--hope tomorrow is better!
xoxo.
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i want to hug you and your boy. love you.
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Ali,
I too have had a fair share of these tender days.(I love how you put that by the way) and have felt what your feeling. I hope tommorrow is better.
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Ali
I know how you feel. My cousin is now in his 20's and man is he tall and strong. Needless to say he gets very curious digging into and walking onto my scrapbooking supplies. He is over a foot tall and I need to just breathe and be calm with him. Let him run his course and just happy when he smiles when he holds onto me. For me dealing with autism for just one or two hours some days just gives me such an appreciation for what families living with it must deal with. Ali, you are awesome to be able to do your scrapbooking and Chris for pursuing his passion. I can only imagine how much more difficult yet special things must be for the two of you. See you soon and big hugs until I see you in the fall.
Nancy
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More hugs to you sister!!!! All of us mothers can relate in many ways to your day. I wish you were my neighbor and I would have helped in any way. You are a great mom and don't worry a bit about those people at the post office. Instead of staring they could offer a hand. God bless you for your patience. It may not seem like a big accomplishment but getting three errands done with a 4 year old AND keeping your self calm is an accomplishment. It is ok!
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As you may remember, my circumstances are different, I care for an adult loved-one with schizophrenia but I do know the frustration of a bad day or week or months. All of us in challenging situations where some days are filled with fire need to hear from each other. The grace you showed encourages us all and plants seeds for developing our own coping skills or shoring them up.
This week is National Schizophrenia Awareness week. I haven't seen anyone mention it any place except on support sites. Your writings about autism and your part in increasing public awareness is inspiring me to make some efforts to see this change next year.
Thanks!
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Oh My Ali,
I really feel for you. I watched the video about autism you posted a few days ago. I can't even imagine what it is like, but I can tell by your posts and photos how much you love that little boy of yours. I'll say a prayer for you. My husband's brother is autistic and he has been institutionalized for probably 35 years. Things are so different now. Be grateful that there is more awareness and support now.
all my love to you and your family
Laurie
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Ali, Simon is so lucky to have you as his Mama.
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Oh Ali, I'm so sorry. I could have written that same post verbatim on several recent days. I am a single mom to two boys. They are 2 and 4. I am all too familiar with public breakdowns and tantrums and startes and snickers from stragers who I'm sure had kids do the same things as well. You are such an amazing mother and althought I don't know Simon he seems like an amazing child (from what I see in your layouts in your book and CK). I hope today is a better day for you both. You are such an inspiration Ali.
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What a day you had. Some days just suck the life right out of you. Kudos for keeping calm and slogging through. As for what people are saying amongst themselve or what they are thinking to themselves, you'll never win that one, so what does it really matter. When DD#1 used to puke everywhere (due to overactive gag from tube feeding) people would ask what I fed that child. When DD#3 was unreponsive to anyone and everyone, some people would ask what's wrong with that kid. Do I really take the time to explain to each person that she's got selective mutism? No its not their concern. When DD #2 fell down the stairs (as I was holding her hand) do I explain that I didn't beat my child and the knot on her head looks worse than it is? Nope just plug along and git 'er done. You're doing such an awesome job with your little guy. You are such an advocate for him and all children. I thank you for that. Hoping for a much better day, today.
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I can't tell you how many of those days I have had. Sending you big hugs! Remember, you are a strong woman and this to shall pass.
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Hi Ali, I felt tender and weepy reading this. And your little guy was saying "sorry Mummy" when he said he loved you. Cyber {{hugs}} going your and Simon's way!
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Ali - You are such a special lady..and so gifted and strong. God knew when he picked you to be Simon's Mom that he would be loved and treasured no matter what and that even on those tender days like today that you would stay calm for him. Remember being tender is ok - we all have those days. Ali you are loved by all of us.
Laurel
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Ali, I read this post and was brought to tears. That is so tough. I give you so much credit and applaude you for letting everyone know about autism. People need to know. You are a strong person and I know that you'll always put Simon first. Things like this happen to all kids. I know my daughter hates standing in line at the post office. It's just not a fun place. Take care and keep up the good work!
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Feel for you Ali....so been there! Those looks...I'd love to say to the stare bears walk a few steps in my shoes and I bet you'd never stare again. I love you says it all. Our special children are given to us for a reason. Stay strong
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These are the days when I love my son the most. Although, they are also the days where like you I need use more deep breathing than usual. How lucky Simon is to have you?
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Sorry - that shouldn't have been a question mark at the end of that statement. How lucky Simon is to have you (period!) :)
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I think you are an amazing woman. Tender is such a great word to describe your day. Sending special thoughts and tulips your way. You are an inspiration to me.
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Wow, what a day. Deep breaths! Prayers for a better day today. I can't imagine the stress you go through to meet all your deadlines. Deep Breaths.
The good news...kids start each day fresh.
Hope you have a fresh day today.
Jennifer
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Hugs and kisses to you Ali. I might have been one of those others wondering why his mother couldn't keep better control over her child. I will stop, I will pause, I will take the time to think and not judge, or jump to narrow minded conclusions. I'm sorry for your day, for Simon's confusion and unease, but I thank you for the wake-up call and the reality check and for the inspiration you give us - not as a life artist but as a GOOD MOTHER.
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You've got an amazing outlook on life, and you are an amazing woman! Sending a virtual hug your way {to ali}
And THANKS for sharing the link to that autism movie a while ago. I've watched it many times, and shared the link and information with friends, and am so appreciative to have just a tiny insight into the struggles that parents of autistic children go through, every day. I might previously have been one of those people who wondered why a mom couldn't control their child - and now I'll think twice. You are educating so many people in a positive way - thank you!
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((HUGS)) to you and to Simon. I love sharing your life and reading your blog and getting details of your life. Thanks so much for sharing.
Love ya!
Karmen
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Ali,
Thank you for sharing your life as a parent of a child with Autism. I am a Special Education Teacher in Arizona and have a much better view of what life is like at home with children with Autism. Autism is an epidemic and not enough people understand it, understand what triggers the children, nor do they understand how much energy, over and above parenting a normally functioning child, goes into parenting a child with this disability. Simon having his reaction to the post office isn't a tantrum like a reg. child throwing a fit...that's what people don't realize, especially since he's a beautiful little boy that looks normal. Thank you for sharing all that you do and thank you for helping to educate people about the little known world of autistic children. Thank you for helping me to be a better special educator.
Hugs,
Kristin
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Oh Ali, poor you! It helps, though, doesn't it, to know you're not alone, that all of us have days like that? Funny, I just posted a few days ago about a not-so-long-ago time in my life when I was having many days like that. Anyway, soo glad you're feeling better!!
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