Tender.
Ever have one of those days where you just feel a little too tender? Overly sensitive? Just waiting for someone to take you over the edge into a wave of tears?
I felt like that this morning.
It started off with six or seven packages that needed to go to the post office. One of the benefits of having Simon in school is that normally I could do it by myself - not put him through the misery of being in a place that is just different. But I needed to go, it needed to be done. And so we went. And the results were not pretty. In fact, it was horrible.
Piercing screams came directly from my child. He did not want to be confined. He did not want to stand next to me while the packages were weighed and paid for - he wanted to run - and then he wanted to lay on the middle of the cold floor where other post office go-ers could walk around him. And so he screamed. Not the kind of loud crying that you sometimes hear, but full on ear piercing screams that jar you into the present moment like nothing else.
And I am calm. And I am cool. I focus on the woman weighing my packages and focus on using a calming voice while holding Simon tight (but not too tight) in my arms. The challenge is that he is getting so big. And so strong. It is much more difficult to hold him now. I know people are staring. I know what they are thinking. And they continue to stare and then to whisper and nod to one another in thanksgiving when we finally exit.
And I feel tender.
We walk out to the car and he hugs me as I carry him. '"Love you" is what he says. I buckle him in and take a deep breath.
We have two more stops on our errand list. I am able to get him into the shopping cart basket at Micheal's - he has an OJ so that helps keep him occupied as I pick up some paint brushes and page protectors. I have a coffee. We exit without any major commotion and walk down to the grocery store.
While removing him from one cart and putting him into to another I spill the rest of my coffee right inside the store. Because I did not get him into the second cart quick enough he is off running towards the watermelons, oblivious to the coffee on the floor and the look in my eyes. I alert one of the checkers to the spilled coffee, gather Simon up into the cart, and continue on - walking by the flower section and wishing for tulips.
And I feel even more tender. And I take another deep breath.
We get what we need: soy pudding, vegan cheese, tostada shells, salsa, chicken nuggets & fish sticks without any allergens = $38. He stays in the cart. I pay the bill. He gets an elephant sticker & a gorilla sticker from the checker. We walk out to the car. I buckle him in. I take a deep breath.
We drive home in silence. It is almost always silent in the car.
And I feel tender.
I just want to hug you and buy you another coffee!
I admit I know nothing about autism, nothing of the challenges that come with having a child with autism. I do know that a normal day with a child who doesn't have autism can be completely overwhelming and leave one "tender". Hang in there. You know that it will get better. As a matter of fact, it will get WONDERFUL again.
Tina J.
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Ali...your post today was an encouragment to me. You being patient...being kind...
The post office is near the bottom on my list of favorite places to go ever since my second was born. A friend of mine told me of a post office where she lives that has a DRIVE THRU window. Brilliant. Can't wait until I find that one day!
One of the blessings of tender moments is that they are so teachable...they teach us...they teach those around us. Praying that tomorrow is better for you.
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{{HUGS}}
Ali, I can feel your emotions through your writing. Hang in there. You are a strong woman. And a wonderful mama.
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(((((ALI))))))
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okay....this time I'm totally and completely bawling. Do I ever feel tender? Oh lordy...more than most people ever even realize. hugs to you!
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Ali - It is OK. You are a strong and awesome woman and a wonderful mom. I hope your day went better. Hang in there. kim
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yes, donna said it... ebb and flow baby. next week the same outing could be totally different. know u aren't alone. hope tomorrow is a great day!
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not like you will read all 82 of your comments so far BUT.....totally feel you on the day today...had one myself....telling myself to BREATHE and it is all OK.....wishing you a better evening Ali! T
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aren't those "love you's" just awesome though? almost like he knew after what he went through - that you needed to hear that from him. they are so precious - which sometimes is really a good thing for them. lol. and you know what else . . .let them stare and whisper . . . they have no clue and if they would they probably would not have the courage and strength to continue on with the day . . . people should comfort each other more instead of pass judgement.
hope tomorrow is a better day!
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ali, what i enjoy about you is how you share this stuff with all of us.
you have lots of cyber support.
what i especially love is that you remembered to detail what items you bought at the grocery store. i think that is really cool. and special. simon couldn't have picked a better mommy.
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Oh Ali...
sometimes the post office makes me want to lay on the cool floor and scream too!! Too long of lines, not enough windows open..seemingly not enough air...walmart does that too me too.
When our Levi was newly bald from chemo, he had high enough white counts to be in public without a huge risk of catching a bug, I had just enough cash to buy diapers and milk..nothing more and Levi wanted a toy, REALLY REALLY bad and was refusing to leave the toys UNLESS I BOUGHT IT!.NOW! oy! My bald headed strong as steel delicate as a daisy boy, and me with my mom-emotions all over the place, from sorrow to rage..plus his picture was on jars in the checkout stands that a friend had placed to help with expenses...not a good scene being crabby to jar boy with all the walmart witnesses......its a memory that still makes me want to laugh and sob..
tender is the perfect word..
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YOU ARE SO STRONG! I would have burst out in tears when the coffee spilled. That would have done it for me at that point- although- I may have just gone home after the post office. :O) You are a great mom! I wish I had your kind of patience!
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When I feel like that I use the word "fragile", but I like "tender" much better. You showed true strength and tenderness toward Simon today.
Treat yourself well today - you did good.
(And I melt when they say "I love you" during the hard times.)
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Here is to a better Friday!!!
Thanks for being an inspiration to all us Moms!!!
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Dear Ali,
We all feel tender when we have moments like that. You have the right to feel tender. The best advice I ever got after learing our son had autism was this: there will be very good days when you feel you can conquer autism and then there will be very bad days when the very word autism just makes you cry. You can not have one without the other. The ups and downs of life. I thought that after the diagnosis, I had cried all the tears that was humanly possible. And then some. So I was shocked when a year later, I had the same exhausting cry all over again when I was simply talking to his special ed teacher. It is the roller coaster of autism. As long as you expect the "down days" every once in a while, it is not so bad. For every "tender day" I have, I have lots more awesome days. I know it's the same for you.
And the comment you made about it always being silent in the car....you were having a very tender moment. I bet on any other day you would be telling us how cool it is that Simon enjoys the car ride so much and observing all the cool things around him.
Be tender as long as you feel like it. Tomorrow is fresh start. God Bless.
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Tears well in my eyes as I read this.
And spill onto my cheek.
Your heart, Your pain. Your truth.
You not screaming at your dear child (I am sad to say I occasionally... in moments like these... do that)
You did good girl.
Good for you for honouring the myriad of emotions and experiences that make us who we are... even the tender and fragile days are special.
As are you.
Thank you for sharing.
You go and get yourself a massage sista.
*big big hug*
Bek x
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Ali, I just read this and now I am glad that you are feeling better.
BIg hugs...
I can totally relate to you. And I think it is okay to feel tender.
You are storong. We are all strong.
I think you should be proud of yourself for how you handled everything.
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(((hugs))) and I am glad you are feeling better. You are a strong person and Simon is blessed to have an incredible mommy like you. Even during the rough times, you are still amazing.
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just one more hug being sent your way. it's tough to have "one of those days," but you handled it marvelously, taking deep breaths, staying calm, accepting the fact that you're feeling tender, and most importantly, not taking your frustrations out on simon. he was just feeling a bit tender at the post office, too. and, like everyone said, it's okay.
glad to see that you're taking care of yourself this afternoon and not feeling as tender as you were this morning.
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And in your tenderness lies the secret to the amazing being that is you.
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hugs (and a small bundle of tulips)...
rutger felt like that today.
glad things turned around.
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Ali, I am sending you a dozen hugs and 2 dozen tulips!
Hope today is better!
XOXO
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I so enjoy reading your blog and savoring the lovely pages you create. You are a remarkable woman and I think all of us as moms have been at the place you were today. It just never feels good, but I want to offer you this little story in hopes that it will encourage you.
My son is now 13, but at 2-3 he was so defiant. We had just moved into a new town and I met a neat woman. She had kids exactly my kids age...great I thought. Only my son was really out of control, didn't adapt to new situations and was not great playdate material. We became friends and my sons behavior got a little better with them because they were more familiar. She later told me that when we first met, she really liked me and my daughter but wasn't sure she wanted to be friends because of my son.
It hurt, but now, 10 years later, my son is a delight, very well-adapted and is liked by all his friends (and his friends parents)! When he was 3 my husband and I took him to a great therapist and worked diligently; diet, behavior modification, etc and really stuck to all her suggestions. Oftentimes, it meant we had to sacrifice an activity to follow through on what we would had told him would be a consequence for poor behavior.
He started acting up in the grocery store one day and it was actually a place he liked. So, I told him if he did such and such, we would have to leave.
Well, he did it, so I casually outwardly (not so casual feeling inside) pushed the cart to the front. I told the checker (while ripping my screaming son out of his seat) that I was going to have to "abandon cart". I was using the therapist's words, but that poor checker, she looked at me like I was an alien. I am guessing she was thinking I was one brick short of a load.
Fast forward 10 years later, and I have of course told my son this story many times over (he loves hearing his "baby stories). "Abandon cart" draws chuckles around here. If you had told me when he was 3 that we would be laughing over the incident, I would have said NO WAY.
I hope you can sense the hugs we are all sending your way. God has made you the perfect parent for Simon and he is fortunate to have you for his mommy!
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Oh, tender is such a good word for it. I was so sad for you, and yet I could completely empathize with every word you wrote. Simon is blessed to have YOU as you are to have HIM. Yeah, it's all good.Thank you for sharing the up good times as well as the down ones. Glad the evening has gotten better for you. (((((HUGS)))))
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Oh, I have been there. I have been the person in line with a child that is being stared at and whispered about. When reading your day my heart ached with remembering those times. For us, they lasted until he was about 12...he is now 25 and still finding himself. I will NEVER judge or second guess a parent and a child having a tough time. No one knows what is going on...they do not live in your shoes.Remember, Ali, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING...love Simon and hold on. It will be ok. It will be OK !
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