Quieting Children's Fears.

I ask "what's the worst thing that can happen?" and usually they discover that it's not that bad. We also pray together and spend quiet moments talking through their frear.

I think just like you-- talking quietly with him and holding him as we are having our conversation.
His biggest fear is sleeping alone (afraid of the dark)--Do you have any good tips on overcoming that fear?
{vicki}

I'm similar... lots of hugs, smiles, and promises that we've all been there and it will be OK. On the especially hard days (or not), I'll leave an encouraging note in his box in the hopes it helps make a great afternoon. Good luck, Ali!

Our 7th grader has had a hard time sleeping as school begins. He called me in recently and told me he was worried. I asked about what and he said "My worry is broad." Of course it is! My approach is to truly hear the fear and acknowledge its validity. Just talk, encourage my boys to get through things one day at a time. In these situations, I'm not a big fan of offering solutions and trying to fix things. Though my kids do know that if there were something that required it, I'm glad to step in.

Hug him, tell him how special he is and mum is here to look after him. My daughter always kisses her pink blanket (maybe I should say brown) good bye each morning and tells it she will see it this afternoon.

When I saw your post I realized I was not alone. Just about a half hour before you I posted about my 4.5 year old crying on the toilet about not wanting to go to school today because she'll miss her grammie. When I sat with her and we talked, she indicated to me that she was worried about having to write and that she can only scribble. She also told me that she couldn't go because she was still little. It so touched me because it was exactly how I was in school. Here I thought I had this really strong go with the flow kid and it turns out, she's just like mom.

I pretty much do all the things you mentioned, talking, listening, reasoning, reassuring as well as praying with my kids about their fears/anxieties. And plenty of big hugs, smiles & more hugs. :) My kids are old enough now though (13 & 16) so the anxieties aren't many and/or are different. But, all the same methods still work. Hope Simon continues having more & more good days. Sounds like he's a pro at it now though. :) Tell him we're all thinking of him & wishing him good luck at school!

I really appreciated your post and all the comments. I have a very nervous kindergartner who still wants to be walked to his class everyday, who seems to expect of himself that he will do everything just right, so frets over every new activity. We are just trying to love him through it, build his confidence in all he can do, reinforce that there are lots of great people to help him, and most of all, to not make him feel like he is on some kind of timeline to adjust. This experience really makes me realize how much a a "fix it society we are, when so often what may be needed is time, time to see by slowly, steadily moving on to each next moment, that good is coming.

Listen and promise to be there, and am.

My beautiful daughter is 10 and on the cusp of some big changes. At some level she realizes that and is holding fast to her childhood -- needing extra hugs and reassurance. I agree with the person above who said she reminded her child to take one day at a time: that is huge around here. It is so easy to get overwhelmed by the big picture. And each success is such a blessing -- here's to the little things!

I also have a child that is very reluctant to new situations, he is very much a mommas boy (which I love!). I recently found a book called "The Kissing Hand" about a raccoon that doesn't want to go to school and his mother leaves him a kiss on his hand that won't wash away each morning. I know that Simon loves books and I thought I would mention this one to you. I am a working single mother and I struggle daily with the question "Am I a good mom?", and I don't think that ever goes away for mothers.

We pray together.

Think outside the box, roll with the punches and never loose sight of the fact that your little guy is his own person. Kids need validation. It is about the dialogue and committment and lots of love.

I guess my view is from the other side...I am a teacher. I do have a child, but she isn't even 4 months old yet...
I have to be there for a classroom full of students...to quiet their fears and make them feel comfortable with starting school again. So many come from so many different walks of life...we really have no idea what they are going through or have been through. I try to comfort the fears in my classroom by easing them into a routine. Talking with them about their lives at home...their likes/dislikes. I like to read books about the first day of school...some that make them laugh, some more serious. I like to get kids involved. And mostly for the 7 hours I have them, I try to think as a parent would. I want to make them feel comfortable in class and with the other students no matter what their history and no matter what they are living through currently. I want them to be successful and that means they MUST feel like they have a place to belong in our classroom family.

We do pretty much the same things as you. We pray...A LOT!!!! And when appropriate we ask the girls for what they think will help. Like our oldest was having a tough time getting up in the morning and it was just setting up the entire day for failure. So we asked her for her ideas. And she came up with the idea for an alarm clock...all on her own...and she was 6 at the time. I think if you can get their thoughts/opinions/ideas and they are something you can reasonably implement (I'm not talking about kids "running the show"...) in a situation then the kids feel empowered about their situation and not so helpless...like life is just being thrown at them and they can't do a thing about it...after all...isn't that how WE feel????

When I don't know how to help my child, or don't really understand? I pray- ask, layout my concerns- it seems those prayers are always answered quickly; thankfully our children are very important to more than just us mothers.

I have found this year that conversation really helps as well as doing school related things together. Talking every night about homework and being in touch with what she does every day and talking to/getting to know all of her new teachers (for my daughter the fears came this year from going into Middle school and having all the friends that she grew up with go to another school.) For middle schoolers, schoolloop, is a great resource because we can "connect" on line daily with what's going on in our kid's world. We can contact any of her teachers -at any time. Parent involvement in so important in any transition. And of course, prayer always helps...for me, I felt like I needed to not only quiet her fears, but also mine! I was terrified as well! Thankfully every day, things just get better for the two of us.

i think kids work it out on their own time/terms.....but they really need our presence and support. sounds pretty basic but thats really what we all do in some form...through kisses or prayer or talking; be well.

My son is 8, 3rd grade. We try to get it out in the open, whatever is bringing on the worry...because we have noticed once it is "released" from his thoughts- it becomes less frightening in his mind.. Now sometimes (like the first day of school,etc) there are sooo many things causing the worry...so we just try and tackle the list of "what ifs and buts". Another thing we started in K5- we put a little FUN family picture in his pencilcase in his book bag as a reminder that even when we are not standing right beside him, that we are thinking about him, loving him, believing in him, and praying for him and that Jesus is right there with him all the time.. Karen L.

We used the "kissing hand" from the Children's book titled the same, when Evan was in preschool. Now that he's in first grade we haven't used that but he goes in no problem. No bus ride though. Mommy and baby sis either walk or drive him to school.
His fears still mostly come at night. And a big anxiety right now for some reason is not being able to fall asleep right away. He hates tossing and turning. I just find I am always trying to come up with new and more inventive ideas to help him calm his fears himself. Lately, I tell him I will be back to check on him in 30 minutes. He just needs to give his body 30 minutes to do it's job (fall asleep) and then I'll come back. That has really seemed to help :0) I think he just likes the reassurance that someone is there to help him and check on him "just in case."
Being a parent is a tough job sometimes. :0)

Even at 65, my kids still need me to quiet their fears at times. Stay calm, listen, hold.

Yes, all the things you do, I do too. Talking, listening, asking questions like what will you do if this happens, etc. Helping them figure out how to comfort themselves with thoughts, memories, etc. I think all of these things help them process, develop coping mechanisms, and communicate back. Sounds like the new routines are falling into place and it will turn into the usual stuff with the occasional bad day thrown in.

I loved reading that you are doing your own self talk too... I do that at times... sometimes out loud and you know what... ryan (now that he is more verbal) is able to mimic me... so great to finally hear those thoughts...
and then Its always the balance of just being a mom.. allowing them to worry and be anxious is hard despite diagnosis or not...
so sweet... you guys are great with him... he is beautiful!
kim
ps... lol about the whole draggin/encouraging/escorting comment... been there do that often! my husband also got a kick out that!
;)
Kim

Wow. Great topic.
My oldest was very nervous at the thought of starting kindergarten with all new people and teachers. She did a lot of bouncing/humming at the beginning of summer when we mentioned kindergarten. Her anxiety has always been worse in the anticipation stage of things, so I made a point NOT to talk about school AT ALL for almost the entire summer. By the time open house, teacher meetings, etc. had started, it was tangible to her and much less scary.
But overall, for all 3 kids (and my husband!) I've slowly realized that I set the tone for the energy in the house. I mostly try to focus on how I'm handling my own fears or stress, because good or bad, it is generally contagious.

Listen, Talk, Hug. My 9 year old is quite a bit smaller (medical condition) than his classmates and periodically he acts out. Somedays are harder than others. Routine is another thing I think makes a difference. If things change from day to day my boys act out more than we are settled into a routine.
Every parent deals with children's fears and their own. I wish I could say there is a way to know everything we do is the right thing to do, but really all we can do is the best we can with what we know and hope we don't screw up. The Serenity prayer comes in handy too.
Have a beautiful day.