Tender.
Ever have one of those days where you just feel a little too tender? Overly sensitive? Just waiting for someone to take you over the edge into a wave of tears?
I felt like that this morning.
It started off with six or seven packages that needed to go to the post office. One of the benefits of having Simon in school is that normally I could do it by myself - not put him through the misery of being in a place that is just different. But I needed to go, it needed to be done. And so we went. And the results were not pretty. In fact, it was horrible.
Piercing screams came directly from my child. He did not want to be confined. He did not want to stand next to me while the packages were weighed and paid for - he wanted to run - and then he wanted to lay on the middle of the cold floor where other post office go-ers could walk around him. And so he screamed. Not the kind of loud crying that you sometimes hear, but full on ear piercing screams that jar you into the present moment like nothing else.
And I am calm. And I am cool. I focus on the woman weighing my packages and focus on using a calming voice while holding Simon tight (but not too tight) in my arms. The challenge is that he is getting so big. And so strong. It is much more difficult to hold him now. I know people are staring. I know what they are thinking. And they continue to stare and then to whisper and nod to one another in thanksgiving when we finally exit.
And I feel tender.
We walk out to the car and he hugs me as I carry him. '"Love you" is what he says. I buckle him in and take a deep breath.
We have two more stops on our errand list. I am able to get him into the shopping cart basket at Micheal's - he has an OJ so that helps keep him occupied as I pick up some paint brushes and page protectors. I have a coffee. We exit without any major commotion and walk down to the grocery store.
While removing him from one cart and putting him into to another I spill the rest of my coffee right inside the store. Because I did not get him into the second cart quick enough he is off running towards the watermelons, oblivious to the coffee on the floor and the look in my eyes. I alert one of the checkers to the spilled coffee, gather Simon up into the cart, and continue on - walking by the flower section and wishing for tulips.
And I feel even more tender. And I take another deep breath.
We get what we need: soy pudding, vegan cheese, tostada shells, salsa, chicken nuggets & fish sticks without any allergens = $38. He stays in the cart. I pay the bill. He gets an elephant sticker & a gorilla sticker from the checker. We walk out to the car. I buckle him in. I take a deep breath.
We drive home in silence. It is almost always silent in the car.
And I feel tender.
I think many children have that reaction to the post office. Its a horrible place. Hope the rest of the day is better!
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Ali, you are such a strong woman. I know if my son went on with a tantrum I'd given up and waited to do my errands on my own. Children can be such a blessing, and sometimes they can be a burden. You handled Simon well and it sounds like you know yourself enough that you can handle this. You truly are amazing and I don't even know you personally.
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in the words of one of the most inspiring women i've ever come across..."it is ok".
may you find peace in the rest of your day.
*
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Big hugs to you today, Ali. I know the feeling. I have had many similar post office experiences. Just gets my heart racing and my nerves ratting. Ugh!! Also can relate to the grocery stores. Except Lowell ended up flipping OUT OF the cart. Good for you for remembering to breathe. Hope that you can have a relaxing rest of the day. Thank you for sharing such intimate details about your life. You are so strong, and so real, and we love you for it! Take care.
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Oh, reading that makes me fee tender too.
I hope the rest of the day plays out in less tender emotions.
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Wow! That takes me back in time. I remember those days. Tomorrow I turn 41 and the next day my son, my oldest baby graduates from high school. It doesn't seem possible. I feel calm and at peace knowing that I did the best I could and God is in control and at the same time I just want to ball like a baby. Cherish the moments...each and every moment!
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Cyber hugs to you, Ali, though we don't know each other personally. I can relate, being a mother as well. We do the best we can everyday. You did well today. And it's OK to feel as you do.
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you are an amazing woman...
hoping this afternoon finds you a little less tender.
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Oh, what a day you had! Hope your day improves.
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Ali - Oh I am so sorry you had a day like this and I FEEL your pain, friend! I had a day like that on Tuesday. My 3 girls all wanted something different from me and no one was happy with anything I did - all day long. I just could not win - so I cried. It is moments (or days) like these that I remind myself how lucky I AM to have been blessed to be a mother - I will take it all - the good, the bad, the disobediece and the tantrums just to hear those 3 little words. You are such a good mama to Simon - hang in there! Tracy on Cape Cod
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Thanks for sharing your tenderness.
I have tears in my eyes in appreciation of what strength and resolve you have in being a remarkable parent.
You are thought of and prayed for.
Enjoy the beauty of your son.
My Best
Becky Olsen
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Hugs, Mama. Sometimes the weight of the world and everyday life just gets to be too much. Take a deep breath (or 10)... and remember that tomorrow is a new day, with a fresh new outlook, and a whole new bunch of possibilites.
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Good for you for going on with your day and doing what you needed to do. That's what moms do even when what we really want to do is lay down right next to that screaming child and scream a little ourselves! Tomorrow your Simon will do something amazing and you will forget today's horror and focus on a whole different kind of tender!
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Ah, the joys of running errands.
When you remember to breathe, also remember that it does get better with age, even for kiddos on the spectrum; they develop more coping mechanisms and I think that their senses are not quite so raw. Of course, you trade one set of problems for another as friendships and puberty become issues, but such is the adventure of parenting.
What breaks my heart the most is that it isn't any fun for them, either. My stepson is on the spectrum and when he was Simon's age there was a Target incident that would better be forgotten, and a year after it we were driving into the parking lot and he said, "This is the Target where I screamed a lot." He didn't say it in a proud voice, but more in a voice of recalling something that wasn't so fun. Sometimes it is hard to believe that they are recording much when they are in the midst of a tantrum, but the little mental "Simon camera" is on all the time.
Keep breathing, Ali. And thanks for sharing your story.
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That's one of the best things about you though Ali Edwards.
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I'm right there with ya, Ali. Love my kids more than anything but some days it's exactly as you described. Especially my Chloe, who is 3 years old. It's not pretty. This morning when we dropped her brother off at his kindergarten class, she ran in and started pulling all the crayons and stuff off the shelves and cried when she couldn't take home the stuffed animals. Then she ran from me and it proceeded to look like something out of a cartoon or a movie. She was on one side of the table and I was on the other. I would go one way and she would go the opposite. Back and forth we went until I finally told her I was leaving without her. That got her!
Hang in there. Tomorrow is another day. :)
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A, my heart feels tender for you too. Hugs to you, my friend! May I suggest something, you can check if the USPS has a system similiar to Canada Post, where you can sign up as a small business, and you can weigh and pay for everything at home, print all the labels, and just bring it to the post office and drop it off. No waiting, no stress. Even better, if you have packages each day, you can arrange for them to pick it up from your place. As a mom with kids who has waited in lines with up to 75 packages at 1 time, I hear and feel your pain. Hope you find something that takes the strain of post office waits off! Let me know if I can help in any way.
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You know what the best thing is... you kept your calm for Simon. He needed you, and you were there. You didn't lose it, you just took that breath and let it be.
Tulips coming your way. Wish I lived down the street because I would seriously drop some off.
xoxox
Lain
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Thanks so much for sharing this entry. We all have our tender moments/days---but the real beauty is your being aware of it.
So easy to be tender and unaware and just snap at whomever asks us for one more thing.
And amazing Simon. Maybe he can't control his reaction, but I love how he seemed aware of the beauty of yours.
My 4 yrs is almost always silent in the car too---no matter how taxing he has just been. So we take the looonnngg way home.
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Ali - I read your blog daily and I am so inspired by you and thank you for sharing something so personal. I just wanted to share with you as well that I have had those days and more than anything...you are not alone. The feeling of loneliness and sadness can be overwhelming. Good for you for handling it so well, that is the key. Next time when you walk by those flowers, buy them for yourself. A little pick-me up goes a long way :) Hope you have a GREAT evening!
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Ali-
The picture of your morning is a vivid interpretation of life with my energetic little one. There are some moments that are so ugly, and they make you feel ugly inside...and then there are the moments that you wouldn't trade for anything, and one whispered "love you" makes it all okay...makes it all worth doing over again somehow. Crazy as it may seem.
Just focus on those good moments. Even in the hard times, there is always a lesson to be learned. Usually by Mama. (Doesn't it always turn out that way?) :) Have a relaxing night...maybe some ice cream and beer again!
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yeah, i hear you, sister. and just for the record, no child alive is able to behave in the post office. i totally dread going with my two girls (five and almost three). we don't have the additional challenge of autism, but something about having to stand in line makes them unable to stand in line!!
congratulations on keeping your cool. it's not something i can always keep a handle on.
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Ali, such strength you display, and such peace you give Simon. I wish peace for you for the balance of your week.
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It doesn't make it easier, but it's nice know that you aren't the only one. As the banner on your blog says, "It's okay." Hugs to you and Simon. ;)
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Imagine all your internet friends surrounding you in a bubble- soothing you, mumuring "It is okay". Be at peace, friend.
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